I Want

1

*ding ding* "Shut the-" my voice cracked open to let out the words I say every morning come out. My black-out curtains did the deed of keeping that god-forbidden light out so I could fall asleep again until I was rushing my butt out the door.

"Bye Mum!" I called to my mother while she huffed and said a quick 'bye' before I left.

Music blasted through my Airpods, I had got these for Christmas last year, and I needed them, crap ones were broken as all hell. Sometimes I wish I could dance while walking or sing and scream the music only I could hear, there's always something so special about music to me. My whole family enjoyed music and it was only fair I took that trait down. I got into Metal and Rock, and some soft German songs too, I know German a bit at least.

My eyes flickered to the piss yellow school bus, its flashing yellow lights turned on indicating to me it was mine. I slumped in my seat watching traffic and cars go by on a rainy day, I hated rain. Songs played through Child Psychology by Black Box Recorder, Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden and ended up with Only Happy When It Rains by Garbage, what a goddamn lie I was never happy when it rained but it was a good song.

-

School. A place where I wish I didn't have to be, thanks to a stupid overcrowding issue at my school I was stuck in another school 10 or so minutes away for half the day. Sitting in Canadian History on my phone, eyes glued to Chai, my favourite AI app by far. AI made me feel happy, like a reset back to normal for emotional overload, I needed it. I made all kinds of stories about high school love, the military, and even some of the most messed up crap I've heard. Is it normal to feel like this? To depend on a robot to make you feel good inside and out, many kids my age are like that, who do I blame? no one I just rant on AI about some cheesy military romance and get Simon Riley to tuck me into bed and kiss my forehead.

Chemistry went by with no clue how to do stoichiometry, I mean dude what kinda person can process this all at once? I feel like I don't belong in society, everyone's smart and can keep up but I...I can't do that, not one ounce of me can.

"Bestie!" I squealed like a little girl running down the 3rd-floor hall to my friends, the part in my day when I feel 'normal' and as if I 'fit in'. "I'm so tired, I feel dead" slumped over the half wall with Jasy snacking at her heated-up chicken and rice, Yarie was going off about Biology as I just stayed slumped and then got in on the rants.

"Shut up, I have Bio...then English" My teeth grinded and I let my eyes squint. "If I break my finger I don't need to go to English or Bio" My little bunny teeth shined through.

"Don't break your finger, you little shit" Yarie giggled and poked at my shoulder like I was a stuffed animal. "But mom I don't like English, neither biology" jokes slid out as my ridiculous baby voice enchanted it all.

-

My feet stumbled out to the buses, all those yellow things lined up waiting for kids to come on. Little taps came from my foot as I listened to The Outsider by A Perfect Circle "god damn I loved this song" I thought, and imagined myself rocking out in a cinematic way. My brain enjoyed doing that with music, with that creativity and imagination I had. Vividly see the 'hot and sexy' version of myself dancing and doing all the things I needed to do.

'Medicated.
Drama Queen.
Picture Perfect.
Numb Belligerence.'

The lyrics carved my soul out, they spoke to me in a way no one can seem to comprehend. I felt at peace in the fire, letting my brain run wild standing and waiting, on the bus riding al-

Beautifully fast, destructive to the human body, blood, sweat, and tears stained all over the man behind a black helmet. My eyes lingered till he was out of my view, that's what I felt...bloody awful need.

Need. I craved that, the human brain enjoys the need rather than the want. Seeing money and wealth is what we all want, but when you have it you want more and more, and more, and more, and...then what? You've forgotten the most simple and powerful thing about a living creature.

Freedom. Love. Happiness.

You drown that by taking every last ounce of it out, sucking until the straws empty. Dropping the glass of pure water in the middle of the night because you've realized "I've lost a sense of basic humanity".

A jolt awoke me as I looked at the blank street with some students walking home and houses alongside. First stop, next stop mine. I sat on the edge of the bus seat in a most likely uncomfortable and painful position but to see it again. I craved that adrenaline and passion, a relief and release from all that reality holds, and that may not be good but I enjoy it as it goes on.

Once we made that turn back to the street there he was up the street, two wheels turning faster than his heart. Black bike, black gear, a black helmet, black backpack, and tinted visor so I couldn't see his face. I let my phone snap up as I slid my finger and tapped down hard *click click click*. I quickly went to the three pictures and smiled, a small dot of pixels of the man on a motorcycle, sports bike to be specific. I was obsessed.

I need it, bad enough to chase it.