Where should I begin?
Perhaps you want me to spill all the beans?
..............
It was later this noon when I see him walking on the hallway, wearing that red stripe jacket with cap and facemask. i was wondering why he's wearing a facemask when he's already so handsome...??
I just look at him while sitting on my chair. We're inside the classroom right now, and his room is just right besides ours.
I remembered that day when I see him riding a motorcycle on my way home, he has no facemask so I could clearly see his face, he was indeed my first love.
He was riding his motorcycle while I am walking on my way home, our eyes met, as i stare at him, i could clearly imagine why I was staring at him. He might be thinking 'oh, that man was beside our room, I did not know he lives here...' (damn, i wish he cares and know me...)
......
The class ended, my classmates were packing their things for dismissal. I was still siting waiting for them to get out so I could walk away in peace.
Some of our classmates were still writing something on their notes, maybe for the activities they did not tend..... Ohh cramming.
One of my classmate named Beck balderdash some of things I did not know, I just ignored them and walk outside our classroom. but suddenly, that guy.... The guy that causes me to act as a nincompoop. I was hysterical if I should step out or should I just remain inside and wait him to walk away?
Time passes and he was still in-front of me, it must be 1 minute since then and he did not even flinch or anything. My eyes are dwindling around dodging his stares. I made up my mind to ask him what he wants since I feel so awkward right now...!
"hmm, m-may I ask why you're blocking my way?" I harshly said without knowing that I already said it....
I was kind of embarrassed to the sentence i let out with that cringe flinch of voice.. eaauugh!
"Can I have your moment for a while?" He said...... HE SAAIID!!!??
My mind was urging to say 'Why not?' daammnnnn?!! I must be so out of my mind right now!!!
"May I ask your intention first?" I spout with the proper composure and not leaking my nervousness and excitement.
"Maybe you're not available, see you then." He unconsciously said..
I was left astounded.
My superego and id are bickering if I should say that 'I am sooo available if it's you', but my ego said 'maintain you're fuck*n composure'.
I finally experience the real life cliffhanger, I expected more words to come out to his larynx, ohh damn it!
.............................................
I checked my phone for any messages that'll or have arrived, but I guess there is non- except to all the boring-asses group chats made by our president in class.
I lay down to my bed, my bunker bed. I climbed the ladder that was too stiff, I also need to excert my full force in-order to reach my bed.
I usually sit right after I head in my room unto my study chair to review all the lessons i've taken notes with, but I have not put any words inside my notebook, nor any scratches of paper to study on.
I laid my head on my pillow facing the ceiling that is a transparent glass few meters away from my face. I count the stars present in the sky, I see several glowing objects, others was just some satellites and humanities invention, but then-
A falling star appeared to my vision, it was a beautiful color, a vibrant light blue that reminds me of his headset, a velvet core reminding me of the casing of his phone, galaxy- reminding me of his hair-
I clenched my teeth-
WHAT GOTTEN IN YOUR HEAD!!??
I cannot fathom this mind!
Although it is true that I have a crush on him, but why am I comparing his attributes to what I like!?
I like the sky, I admitt! I also like him- A crush I said! I only like him because of his looks! The way he walks! The way he dress, and the way he speaks!! Isn't that how you develop a sense of likeness and admiration?! Yess! That is right! I only admire him, nothing more and nothing less.!
My ears turns bright red, I FEEL SO HOT! The room was cold, but why is my body soo hot.!
I cover my head with the pillow -covering my whole face-, I clenched my jaw same as how I clenched my fist while holding the pillow.
But still-
Such feelings should not be tolerated...
You are a man, and a man is meant for a women, Mac!
This world torment my feelings, but I know that I my-self should not violate what has been set in this world, same as being a human that should act as it's gender. A man- a man should carry the burdens and 'should have' a family to carry, there should be weight on every man's back to be called as a strong, dependable, and a figure of what a man should be...
So- I wish I was a girl, a women. Although it is also hard to be a women, but I prefer being one, if I was a women, then everyone and anyone whould expect me to be weak, everyone will expect me to love a men, maybe that'll work.
But gender might not be the case.
I, myself, me, I am the problem.
One drop of tear scrolled on my cheek.
It was bitter, although I did not taste it. Still, I believe that it is bitter.
