There's so much I could say, but I don't know where to start. for as long as I can remember, I've been unaware of how to show emotions nor how others emotions worked. it sounds silly, I know, but I simply can't identify how I feel. that is until the waves of regret in life absorb my mind whole and lock me in a cage under water. and I know I need professional help, but I refuse to let them hurt the people I care about by informing them with the truth. the truth that I'm not at all stable. if people knew how I really felt, if they knew the types of things I did in order to feel any sort of emotion, I know they would blame themselves. they would contemplate whether they are a good friend, whether they raised me right. but I don't want that to happen, so I will always stay quiet about these things when I'm with them. I must keep them safe and tucked away from the overwhelming reality of my suffocated head.
some days I like to stay awake for hours, even if I'm sleep deprived. sometimes I'm awake non stop for 3 days. I do this as I way to punish myself for not being good enough or if I feel as if I have hurt someone whether it's mentally or physically. on other days ill go to bed as soon as possible. I find sleep as a way of escaping reality, its like a break. but it ends up hurting you more than staying up does because of the dreading feeling you have when you realise you're still alive once you wake up. either way I see it as punishment for my inconsiderate actions and mistakes I have made in life.
tbc...
YOU ARE READING
the indecisive mind
Randoma first person story of a 15 year old girl who is struggling with her emotions. read along as she tries to expresses the confusing and incomplete feelings which slowly crack the broken heart of hers which was once whole. this story simply tells you...
