TANGLED - TK

Chapter 11('This is disgusting')

CHAPTER ELEVEN

TAE

When it came to life, I had always seen it as black and white: What you can do and what you can't. What you should feel and what you shouldn't. I never saw the gray area. But now, I did. I saw a hell of a lot of gray. Like my feelings, for example. If I had to say if I was happy or sad, I couldn't say either. But I could say I was broken, which I think went into the gray side of life where there was a hole in my heart and every day I was trying to fill it... and some days, well, some days I let it get bigger.

Being with Sunghoon was the thing I did best and now it was gone there was a hole in heart, a hole he created. Some days I could cope. Other days I couldn't get out of bed. Then there was a rare day when I felt like myself again. But most of the time I felt like a different person. I think that's what scared me the most-that I was becoming a new person, someone colder, someone less happy someone who didn't happy, someone who didn't smile and someone who saw the darker side of life and didn't give a fuck.

I was becoming someone I didn't recognize. The hole in my heart was destroying me- well, the old me. The person I was creating now, I didn't want to be him. Every time I looked in the mirror I just longed to see the happiness I used to feel daily.

I knew the coldness was getting worse when my razor broke in the shower and I couldn't think of one reason not to cut my wrists. I didn't. But for a split second I wanted the relief to feel something other than numbness.

Sure, Max brought out a side to me. He made me.... Well, I don't think I can't describe what I felt around him. It Wasn't love,Wasn't friendship, Maybe it was a risker side to me? Maybe he brought out my wild side? I guess there wasn't much left of me to get hurt if things did go bad, so why not risk it? That was what I thought every time he called me late at night. I knew it was a booty call, but I went.

Then there were the rare nights when he just wanted to spend time with me. Didn't fucking know why he would want to spend time with me. It sure as hell wasn't my personality. Wasn't like I made great conversation either. I just couldn't. I literally couldn't do it. It was like I was relearning how to be around people. Like all my experiences with Sunghoon had been wiped. The person I was, wiped. The skills I had, wiped. What was this? Was this the heartbreak that song writers sing about? Was this the type of pain romance novelists attempt to describe?

At the end of the day, I knew one thing for sure: no one could describe this heartbreak unless they had been through it. And if they did experience it, live through it, and survive it, I can guarantee they wouldn't be the same person anymore.

No one could fix this hole in my heart. Hell, it wasn't a hole. There was barely anything left of my heart for it to be considered as an organ.

I think what was worse was Sunghoon always knew the right words to say. He always knew what to do usually he knew me better than I knew myself. I'd grown so tired of putting up a front. I wasn't ok. And I was ok with not being ok. I was just hoping one day, somehow, by some miracle I would recover.

Just because I couldn't see it happening didn't mean it wouldn't, right? Miracles happen. It was possible one would happen to me. In the meantime, I just had to get through day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

I had to admit, right now I was getting through the day thanks to Kook.I looked up just as he scratched the back of his neck, glaring down at his couch. I had to admit his expression had my lips twitching up. Nearly a smile. But it wasn't.

"You know, you can't just keep glaring at it. You are going to have to sort out the mess, right?" I said, sitting on his floor, sorting out the clean washing. His mum had just kept putting basket after basket of clean washing in his room but wouldn't put it away. It was fair to say he had been living out of these baskets.