You were curled up in the right corner of the sofa with your face buried inside your knees as you wrapped your arms around your legs, tightening them closely against your chest. You then slowly turned your head around to take a look out the window. Looking upon the tiny citizens wandering the busy streets of London, you realized how much there was going on in this world… and how much you didn’t want to be a part of it. You felt trapped – trapped inside your own body. It felt like everyone was moving on with their own lives while you were stuck in another dimension with no way of getting out and no one seemed to care enough to notice. You had been feeling this way for a long time; it just slowly kept on getting worse. Over the years, you learned to hide your feelings, burry them inside of you, so deep that no one would be able to reach them. You learned to hide behind fake smiles, fake laughs. It all came so naturally to just pretend everything was fine. But no one noticed how you were breaking, slowly dying inside. You’d often thought about getting help, but you didn’t want to bother anyone with your problems. Your mind had a way of minimizing all the issues you had going on, so you thought it wasn’t necessary to worry the people around you. And you kept on hiding. But soon, hiding turned into not caring. One day, you just woke up and stopped caring… about everything. Important things like school and fun things like sports just didn’t matter anymore. You also stopped feeling empathy. Everything around you seemed so pointless and stupid. Big things like death didn’t scare you anymore. When someone would tell you that a loved one had passed away, you had a hard time feeling pain for that person because living wasn’t as important anymore. It came to a point where you envied the Dead… because you wanted to be dead. You didn’t want to be a part of anything. That’s when you started pushing away the few friends that you had. You didn’t want to socialize anymore; all you wanted was to be left alone. You felt like everyone and everything was getting on your nerves, so you thought it was better to not have them around. You were satisfied with your own company, but that satisfaction didn’t last very long. It came to a point where your own company was bothering you and the most frustrating thing in all of this was that you couldn’t escape from yourself, from what was going on inside your own head. You felt hopeless, useless in this world. All you wanted was to die so all of this suffering would go away, although you never really had the courage to actually kill yourself. You were scared. You were scared of what others would think of you after they found out you committed suicide. You were also scared of what they would say if you failed your attempt. No one would ever look at you the same way. And that was something you wouldn’t be able to cope with. You were kind of lost and you didn’t know what to do. You didn’t want to get help because you weren’t sure if you wanted to get better. That’s the thing about depression; it messes up so much the way you think that it actually gets you to believe that everything is fine, even when it’s not. So you just decided to wait – wait for the emptiness to miraculously go away. And just when you were slowly losing hope, Niall entered your life. He was the light to bright up all of the darkness that had taken over your soul. You just loved how happy he was. He didn’t seem to have a single care in the world and that was what made you fall in love with him. He inspired you so much. He made it look so easy. You wanted to be as content as he was. The more time you were spending time with him, the more you felt like you were getting better; he was the miracle you had been praying for. He slowly brought back feelings you had forgotten even existed; you were smiling again, laughing again, loving again, living again. You weren’t as suicidal as you used to be; you actually enjoyed life. You were so thankful for Niall because he was the only thing keeping you alive. But all good things must come to an end. The honeymoon stage of your relationship went away all too soon and you slowly dived back into the emptiness you thought you had left far behind. Of course, you never told Niall about any of this. You didn’t want to scare him away with all of your unresolved issues, so you kept it all in. You were already so good at it anyway. You slowly went back to your old habits of hiding behind fake smiles so no one would suspect anything. But you quickly got tired of it – tired of everything, tired of living. You knew something was seriously wrong with you because even with Niall Horan as your boyfriend, you still wanted to die. You didn’t feel like you deserved him. Every day you wondered what Niall saw in you because you clearly didn’t see it. He could do so much better than you. I mean, even his fans thought so too. They surely didn’t hesitate reminding you every day how much better he could do and how it was only a matter of time before he dumped you. It really was a matter of time before he realized what a screw-up you were.
