Dear Diary

Entry 1

Dear Diary

I had thought I knew what I was going to write about...I was sad, I was feeling heart sore really...and just like that,I got a notification from a man on Bumble that has made me mad lol.

Anyways, I would provide background to everything but this is something new I'm going to try...I'm not going to contextualise everything before I start. Instead I'll do it as I go.

I went to my office today and as usual, I did nothing and spent money that I knew I shouldn't be spending. I actually woke up today a lot earlier than normal and it was because of a really spicy dream I had about the friend I was meeting up later today. I've never had this dilemma with a friend before...but then again I don't have many attractive male friends really...well except this one.

I remember meeting him (we'll call him Michael) at college through a friend. He was shy but his the little blonde bits in his hair made his hazel eyes stand out. He was quite tall and had a really great physique - it would look proportionate to my fat ass. 

Anyways, his voice was a little squeaky in the beginning but it's definitely gotten deeper over the years. Anyways, he's always been this person that truly seems mysterious to me, but in the book type of way. I wanted to know more about him, how he thinks, how he feels, how he fuc- 

Yeah but we're of two different (and opposing) religions so frankly there was no point. He once gave me his poetry book to read, ngl some of it was a little sloppy & stupid but ofc I just pretended it was beautiful and inspiring. Can't break the guys' heart like that.But on the real, his poems were lovely and I felt quite touched by some of them - from what I recall.

Yeah anyways, we had lunch together and I even wanted to look super cute today but I ended up wearing just meh clothes, it's better that way. It was weird kinda, normally I wouldn't have cared too much, I mean I always want to look good even with the friends I have no attraction to, like my besties, but this was different...like a going to see your crush...but he's only my crush because of the stupid spicy dream I had of him! And this only freaking happened because once we got drunk together and I randomly zoned in a conversation with him and my head was like...holy smokes, this man is so fucking handsome, I just wanna straddle him and kiss tf outta him. 

Of course nothing remotely close to that happened, the closest we got to that was arguing over who is smarter aka 'more evil'. Lots of people think I'm too kind or nice but they don't understand that that is my way of protecting myself so when my head turns, I can go all guns blazing...it's true, it's always the innocent ones that you gotta be weary off. I don't think it's manipulation because I don't lie or deny anything, people do be making their own assumptions and love imposing their own thinking/ideologies on the next. It's just human nature really. So I can't be the bad guy if I'm just taking advantage of them expressing their free-will. My dad always said give people enough rope and they'll hang themselves with it. 

Yeah so it was a good thing I just looked whatever, it was just easier this way. But despite my physical attraction to him, I would never want to ruin out friendship, I don't think it's worth it and it's pointless because he's admitted for a long time that he just can't do relationships. He has been heartbroken too many times to endure more, yet he's caught in between a rock an hard place...aka loneliness. He's trying to put himself out there but doesn't want a relationship, not a situationship, not FWBs and other 'ships'...but he wants something. It saddens me to say that I understand what he means. 

Yeah he told me some hectic stuff and it triggered me again today - first time I was triggered was in the morning. I was taking care of myself and afterwards started to cry, I could almost tell it would happen because of the intensity...weird how these things work tbh. I wonder if it has anything to do with holding your emotions/trauma in your hips...in a weird way I could see it making sense...but I also don't. I think I need to go back to school because I find myself in a position that could believe lots of things.