Dear Diary

Entry 2

I'm not really sure where to start and I have no idea what I want out of writing all of this either. But I do know that I want to share my thoughts and life with others. Perhaps it is to feel validated in a world that has lost its human touch, and hearing that I'm right will makes me feel better and more accomplished thus increasing my confidence; or perhaps there is a part of me that thinks this is simply worthy of someones time as it might cause someone to look at things in a new light. Not all of us can just listen to podcasts. 

Either way, the beginning of things are one the hardest and I am the type that always wants to give context to things

Right now I'm writing on the 18th of July '24, in my humble and beautiful cottage with jazz music in the background and a cup of tea, with my morning skincare done and my breakfast of two small yummy scones sitting in my tummy, trying to articulate some thoughts of mine, much like a pretentious little shit that I know I can be at times.

I figured that I would like to document a part of my life so I have a recollection of things. 

Right now the thing on my mind is myself and my weight. I'm pretty sure I weight around 80 kgs and I'm only 165cm. I am indeed overweight and I know this. I can see that I'm not treating my body well enough and frankly I can see how I am a complete fool for food. I have no control, well rather very little. I find that with others it's easier to control my food intake etc but on my own, it's a mission. I want to lose weight so I can feel better about myself, feel confident and happy in my clothes. Feel comfortable naked and even just look at myself without feeling ashamed. But I don't want to put in the hard work. 

I'm grateful for my body, I thank her for getting me this far, for giving me a lovely life and being there for me. But I cannot seem to thank her in the right way. Like a child who begs for sweets, I cave in so quickly..ignoring the damages I am creating by not creating any balance. I am lazy which is not inherently a bad thing, but I'm using it for not so great things. Body positivity is fuelling it no doubt - and I'm not talking about the initial premise of BP, I'm referring to how its being misused now. 

I now cannot be bothered to measure my food, nor exercise. I'm not depressed that's for sure. I'm really happy with myself and my life, I've got confidence. But I'm ashamed - kinda. I wish there was a quick and easy way but that's just not part of life. I just want to understand how I can stop this.