The small, the sad, and the sadists

1. I wish you were a girl, Sadie.

I've always been sad, I remember, my driest memories have been of me crying or feeling so many things that my chest feels as if it will explode. I cried on my tenth birthday, for no reason, I just was about to blow out the candles and felt the tears slip down my cheeks. My father then told me to grow up and stop acting like a child. But, aren't I a child??

My father is probably the only one who tells me to act my age, but what does that even mean? Anytime I talk to an adult they tell me how mature I am for my age, which tells a whole story in itself. The age old philosophical question, "how do I act my age?", well I'm sixteen now. According to my father I should be learning how to drive, focusing on getting a job, maintaining a healthy and productive routine. To anyone else it's, have fun, enjoy childhood, be with friends, so I have no idea on that. People also say to experience a first love. I think I have, it tore my heart out tho, then stomped on it.

I remember I was eleven, sitting in my basement, me and my best friend were laying in a pile of pillows. Ones my mother told us not to mess with because they were decorative. Which, tell a child not to do something and they will make sure it's the first thing in their list.

It was a typical children's hangout spot, maybe a bit cooler, since we were cool kids. There was glitter stuck in the carpets, pink wallpaper, and a bunch of old scarfs we hung out (the thin ones old hippies wore, my grandmother gave them to me). We were listening to the smiths and singing along to one of their more popular songs. My mom's old record player came equipped with many of records, so that's how I grew to listen to the music I do. It makes me feel closer to her, she died a few weeks before this.

My friends name was Beth, our parents called us "BS", because we would always get into some sort of dumb bullshit. Beth was sat in front of me and I was behind her, braiding her hair. My grip light so I wouldn't hurt her or make the braids too tight. She had a collection of old photos we found in a trunk. I remember her hair smelled like strawberry shampoo, and she had some very light red natural highlights in her blonde hair. We had been hanging out together all summer, and it was starting to get colder, she loved just down the road so we hung out pretty much every day. I showed her music and she showed me movies, cool ones.

she was humming along to the song when she asked me the most strange question.

"Sadie have you ever had a crush?", her voice was almost scared, like if she said it to loud something bad would happen.

"No, I don't believe I have", only if I knew I actually had, on her. I thought of her all the time, ever since the first day I met her.

She moved to school two months before it ended, I know, weird; her parent moved her here because her dad lost his job and they had to move quickly. We immediately became best friends. I love everything about her, from her head to her pink-nail-polish-painted toes. She was so perfect. She got me. I got her. It was something like out of a movie.

"Really? Never?", she asks.

"Nope, maybe I have and just never realized".

"Hm".

"Why.. have you?", now I was whispering.

"Do you think girls can like each other?", that was the most odd question, because girls are friends all the time?

"Yeah, I like you".

"No, not like that Sadie", her voice was so quiet now.

"Hm?".

She looks back at me, her face puffy, her eyes welling with tears. Seeing her began to make me cry, she was so pretty when she cried. This was the first time I ever saw her cry, which is the opposite of me, who is a chronic crier.

"Beth, what's wrong?".

"Sadie", she began to sob, and she looked me in the eyes with this look saying that she knew what she was about to say next is wrong. "I wish you were a boy, Sadie".

Before I could respond she got up and ran out of the attic. I followed right behind her, trying to catch her before she ran out of the door, calling out for her.

I ended up losing her as she ran into the woods behind my house inside of down the street where she knew I would be able to find her. I never saw her again after that, I found out from my parents her parents had moved her away again that night. I didn't know it but she was only staying in our town temporarily, she hadn't finished unpacking her boxes because her parents were moving soon again anyways.

I sometimes lie awake at night thinking about that moment. When I can't sleep I think back to what she said, I wonder where she is now, what she is doing. I wish I could see her, I wish I could know what she is doing. Maybe one day I will see her again.

Maybe one day we can talk about The Smith again, and we can hold hands while walking along the creek again. I can teach her how to play the guitar and she can teach me how to make macaroons. No it's probably dumb, but it find myself doing that a lot. Imagining my life in ways that I know I'll never happen.

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I say things a lot of the time that I don't actually mean to happen, but like getting to see someone again.

Today I was walking down the street when I see a new coffee shop has opened. Obviously u walk in, because it would be stupid not to, and now that I have a job I can spend money on coffee without my dad telling me we have coffee at home.

I walk in and I'm greeted with a familiar face, I can't quite put my finger on who it is tho. I walk up to the register, the cashier being a strawberry blonde with puppy dog brown eyes. Definitely my type. Before I speak I read the name tag.

"Beth", I say under my breath, holy shit.....

"Hi!", she is smiling at me, looking at me as if she has no idea who I am. I wouldn't blame her tho, because I look different. My hair is now to my chin, it's dark blue and I have a piercing going through my right eyebrow.

"Hi.." I say quietly as I look up at the menu, trying to figure out what I want. "Can I get a black coffee with a little bit of sugar?".

"Sure thing!", she tells me the price, I recognize the voice to be a server voice. It isn't real, just a facade to hide the fact she really didn't want to be there. Also, by the way she hasn't said a thing to me besides what's she is supposed to say for her job, she doesn't recognize me. I want to shout that I know her, but I don't, that's weird.

As I wait for my coffee I try to subtly look over at her, but not to much to where she notices. She looks so grown up now, her shoulders have broadened, her lips have filled out, she lost her chubby cheeks, and she has gotten taller. She is still so beautiful.

Once my name is called I get up to get my coffee, then I quickly get out of there. I don't make it ten feet away from the door when I hear someone call out for me.

"Hey!! Wait!", I turn to see strawberry blonde hair runs towards me, she then stops in front of me. She heaves a bit, not to much, just enough to make you know she ran from behind the counter over to me. "Im sorry if this is weird, but I swear I know you".

"Do you?", I say smirking a bit out of the left side of my mouth.

She smiles, her perfect teeth almost blinding to look at.

"Yes, and I swear I'm not a stalker", she laughs and holds her hand out to me. "I'm Beth", she smiles again.

I act like I didn't know that and reach my hand to grab hers, "I'm-".

"Sadie", my stomach drops, but in an excited way, like 'OMG SHE REMEMBERS ME', type of way. "Yeah I know. I don't know if you remember me".

"I do".