The Tortured Poets Department

'tis the damn season

It was the twenty-fourth of June and Alexia and I had arrived in Sweden yesterday. We were here to celebrate Midsommar, a holiday that was so typically Swedish. It was a welcome change from the heat in Barcelona and for the first time in a while, it felt like I could breathe. The temperature was better for me, something I was used to and something my body could handle.

She would get to celebrate with my father's side of the family. I had no contact with my dad, he was dead anyways, but I hadn't talked to him when he was alive. He wasn't a good father, beatings were a regular thing before my mom moved us away from him and that made me scared of seeing him, scared of going home.

I hadn't told Alexia about him yet, which probably wasn't that good. I needed her to know exactly what he had done to me, everyone else there would know. She knew that he was a bad person and that I hated him, that I wasn't speaking to him because he hurt me, not just because he was dead.

"I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me until I am done. Ask me questions when I'm done" I informed her when I drove us towards my grandmother's place. From there a tractor would drive us to the place of celebrations.

Alexia nodded my way, signalling to me that I was fine to continue. "I do not speak much about my father, and that is for a good reason. I told you how he wasn't the best person, but he used to hurt me and my mother" I started before looking at the road ahead of us. The familiar road I had travelled so many times before.

Being in a car made me want to open up about everything, and this was no exception. It didn't help that I wanted Alexia to know about this before one of my nosy aunts told her. I should have done this earlier, but it was always so hard to talk about him.

I took a deep breath before continuing. "It made me feel kind of fucked up and it required so much therapy for me to feel alive again. No one in my family spoke to him after that, and it helped me. He passed away in prison after my mom reported him to the police, but you know that he is dead" I said with an uncertainty in my voice, and uncertainty that almost never was there.

I always took pride in being open to people about things. Alexia knew so much about me, and most people I trusted knew a lot about me. Barely anyone knew about my dad. But they weren't my girlfriend. They weren't Alexia.

"Shit, I'm sorry" Alexia apologized. "It wasn't your fault" I laughed. There were still more to the story, but this was more than enough for now. "It wasn't yours either" Alexia answered. If I wasn't on the road right now I would for sure be crying. I couldn't do that. My makeup was gorgeous and if I cried there would be tears of mascara ruining it.

Her hand found its way to my thigh and there she moved it up and down, reassuring me that she would be here. I needed her here with me and I loved having someone to join me around my family. They all knew she would be here, and that she was a Spanish football player. A star honestly.

I was nervous at the same time. My family was nosy, and they had always been. They had no understanding about what was too much to say and which subjects weren't fine to talk about. At least they were all nice and not even one was homophobic.

Five minutes later we arrived. The lawn was already filled with my family, and Ragnhild was the first person to greet us when we got out of the car. "This is the girlfriend I have been waiting to meet" she said with a big smile on her face. "I'm Ragnhild, this one's grandmother" she continued and stretched her hand out for Alexia to take. "Ta det lugnt med na, (Take it easy with her)" I told Ragnhild, and she nodded, barely reassuring me.

Alexia was pulled away to be introduced to everyone while I made my way to my small cousins. My family was big, and that meant that I had cousins who were tiny. The youngest was two, and she was the first one I talked to. With her on my hip I made my way back to Alexia. Some more of my cousins trailed behind, most certainly only wanting to see the dog we brought with us.