i'll regret this.

heartaches.

Do you know what hurts more than dating a man who doesn't love you?

Engaging all your energy in a friendship that will inevitably fail. Trying to save a friend who wasn't there for you but keeps you there nonetheless.

She kept me although I was empty luggage and she used me. Used me for her own validity. For her friend that she only ever calls whenever her 3 best friend won't pick up. Her own excuses overflow my brain, thinking of it makes me sick. Nauseous. Awful. She acts like she cares but she only ever hurts me. Her excuses burn at my own brain. My health. My everything. Her guilts trip me over. Making me stay. Making me cry.

Children could be so cruel. That's where it all starts. Childhood. I was just a new kid in a classroom, a new soul. A naive, poor, tall child. You were bullied and I thought it was wrong so I saved you. I felt pity. You were grateful and I was so happy I got a friend. Someone near me. Finally, I wasn't alone. Finally, I had someone.

I was so naive. Dumb. Gullible.

You wanted to be the main character all the time. You always had to be the center stage. You still need to be otherwise you cause ruckus. You cause problems. You always had to be liked by everyone, and you were. The moment I caught the attention of bullies, you shined. You peaked. You were acknowledged by classmates, by boys, by everyone. But that wasn't enough for you. You whined and whined every time someone disliked you and I despise you for this. While I was being beaten and I was filled with anger, you smiled and laughed. You joined them sometimes.

And yet you always wanted me by your side. Even against my will. Even when I said I wanted to be alone. Even if I expressed discomfort, you needed me. And I hate you for it. I didn't want to come back to school thanks to you and your "bully" friends. You tore my things, you turned a teacher against me, you used my forgiveness until it ran dry and you made sure I hated myself. You made sure I despised you and you wonder how it happened. You wonder why I cannot forgive you, yet you've done so much to ruin my life.

Do you know what else you did? You used guilt and pity as your strongest weapon. "Spare me, my father has left me. Spare me, I am adopted. Spare me, I have an abusive mother. Spare me, I am bullied. Spare me, I want to perish." Every time. Every time you got called out, you used it against everyone. It's between that and saying you'll change. Yet you never do. I gave you so many chances, I slowly began to count them. 23. 23 chances throughout our whole 8 year friendship. I was dumb enough to believe you changed. I was a fool to think you could. But you never did. Every person I asked told me the same story of you saying you'll change. You never do.

Years go by, I finally healed. I finally did. Depression, anxiety... it was finally gone. But you had to show up to reunite. You just had to show up and ruin everything I had to rebuild for 3 years. I thought you changed. Again. I was fooled. Again. I was lied to. Again. This time, you weren't childish in the way I thought. No, you manipulated others to get what you want. The moment I became friends with one of yours, you accused me of leaving you. And I should've. I should've left you. You insulted my friends, you insulted me and you insulted everything I've ever liked.

You are hateful but you hide behind a sweet facade. Everyone you know? You threaten them with you leaving them. You guilt them into staying. You love-bomb them into being dependent on you. You're a horrible person. Saying "I'm gonna lay under a car" and "I cut myself, I lost my streak", bragging about it and smiling... it won't heal you or help you. It will just make matters worse.

Your apologies are empty and don't mean anything. They never did. You never held them up. I know you. I know your lies. I'm so glad I fucking left you. I've never felt this good in my whole entire life. You say you love Angel Dust but in true, you're just like Valentino.

With you, I can't let myself forget every single horrible thing you've done.

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inspired by letters to the lost.