Lonely - (Lesbian Story)

prologue

trigger warning: depression, self harm, suicide attempt, and death
if any of this is triggering to you, please do not read this book. thank you.

-

dear sienna (angel),

before the making of this, i was going to write something short and quick, getting straight to the point. that plan obviously failed, considering i have six pages of college ruled paper ready to go. it's just there are so so many things i want to tell you need to tell you. there are so many things i am leaving unsaid, so this is my last chance to tell you these things.

let me start by saying that i'm so fucking sorry, angel.

i love you so much, you know? so much it hurts. you're the apple to my pie, the straw to my berry. and yes i just realized that i quoted a song but it's true. you were literally the only light in my dark, cold life. you were the last glimmer of hope, the last rose in my garden, helping me believe i will make it one day. but sometimes, even the most gorgeous roses shrivel and die.

but don't ever doubt my love for you for a second. because i do love you, so much to where it hurts. i love you, and i will continue to love you, from above. maybe i can meet your grandpa. he seemed like a cool dude, yeah?

angel, please don't think that everything you did didn't mean anything to me, because it did. when you helped me flush my blades, when you helped me with my popping pills problem, when you whispered so nice things to me to help me fall asleep every single night, they helped. it helped me stay strong, although I'm giving up now. but in the moment, you helped me stay strong. you are my rock, you are my fucking moon that outshines all the stars in the sky. when you entered a room, my eyes went straight to you. your smile literally brightened my day, it can cure cancer, get rid of global warming. you're my angel.

i want to thank you, for everything, angel. i really do. you're so kind, so gentle with other things. you took such good care of me, you know? such good care. i didn't ask you to do that. at first i hated you for caring so much, because i thought it was pity. and you, out of anyone, should know how much i despise pity. but eventually, i saw you genuinely cared.

this note is all over the place and i apologize, angel. my thoughts are so jumbled and i'm trying to get out as much as possible but my hand can't write fast enough.

okay, i want to say how much i adore you and your family. they actually accepted us! they accepted us, sienna! your family took me in when my family didn't like my decision very much. and i just want to thank them and you for pulling me through a dark time. your little sister, please take good care of her for me. i always had a soft spot for little mikayla, she is so sweet, like you. god, she reminds me so much of you. she has a beautiful soul, and i know she takes up from her angelic sister.

your mother is an amazing women. she's hard on you, but she wants what's best for you. she always does, she always will. she's so pretty and awesome. she also makes the best cookies! i don't want to say that's the top thing that i will miss about your mom, but it'll definitely be in the top five.

your father is a great person. don't be too hard on him. cut him some slack, okay? he's an amazing guy, he'll always have a special place with me. especially his not-so-funny jokes, those were the bomb.

okay, s, please don't take any responsibility for this. i know you're probably going to beat yourself up over this, but don't, okay? you're actually one of the main reasons i stuck around so long. if it wasn't for you, i would have be dead a long time ago, and me and you both know that for a fact.

i love you i love you i love you. i can't believe i'm never going to hear you say those words again. the hardest thing is leaving you. i love you so much, angel.

what i want you to do is find yourself a nice lady, and get married. i don't want you to stay sad for the rest of your life, go be the best lesbian mom the world has ever known! okay that sounded weird but you know what i mean. i want you to marry a nice woman.

i'll always be watching, angel. trust me, i hope that many years from now, you can come see me up here. hopefully not soon, you deserve a long, happy life. but when you come, years from now, i will be here, waiting for my angel.

i've probably said angel about 30 times but you know you are my angel. i know you always secretly loved the nickname, although you swore i was the angel. but for once, i'll truly be the angel, watching over you, protecting you.

the thing i'll miss about you most is your laugh. you hated it, but i absolutely adored it. it's contagious, it's amazing. i always had to laugh along, even if the thing wasn't that funny. your laugh just had that quality.

i'll also miss your hugs and kisses. those were the best. you always held me by the waist and hugged tight, and you always grabbed my face gently by the cheeks and kissed my lips with those soft ones of yours. god, i'm going to miss you so much, my sweet sweet angel.

i know i'm being selfish, but this is what's best for me. i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. i know just a 'sorry' isn't going to cut it, but i really am.

i want you to tell tyler that i love him. he's the only one in my family who's not screwed up. so tell him i love him, okay? and i'm sorry that this was so sudden.

okay, angel, i'm going to wrap this up. but i want you to live a long, happy life. please don't try anything, love.

remember, i love you. so so much. i'm sorry that we couldn't get married like we wanted to. i'm sorry we're not going to be able have our two children in our house in new york.

although, that is where all the doomsday shit happens, i know that's what you wanted. but now, live out that dream with another lady. but make sure she's worthy. i sure as hell wasn't. you better find yourself an amazing women who is just as amazing as you.

okay, i love you so fucking much. i'll miss you, angel.

-madison