I wish

Me

I remember it like it was yesterday. It's been a year since my best friend died. She was my everything, and now I've lost her," I said to Sam while looking at a picture of Claudia and me. I felt Sam's arms around me, and I started to cry. I tried taking deep breaths to calm down, but nothing worked. I had flashbacks of the last time I saw Claudia before she killed herself. Suddenly, the room started spinning, I couldn't breathe, and my heart started racing. I felt like I was going to die. Sam pulled away from the hug and looked at me. He held my hand and talked about what he did at work today to distract me. It calmed me down. When I finally caught my breath and my heart rate was back to normal, I looked up at Sam to find him already looking down, staring at me.

 I stared into his dreamy deep brown eyes, then quickly looked away. I couldn't handle the pity in his eyes. I looked around the room to distract myself from having another meltdown, but no matter how hard I tried everything reminded me of Claudia and I couldn't help but think that it was all my fault, I let her leave, I could have stopped her but I didn't, I ignored her, all these thought running through my head are giving me a headache. 

Sam tries to comfort me again but I ask him to leave. The poor guy has already been through too much I thought to myself. With his parents divorced and everything in his life slowly changing, it is hard and he tries to put on his toughest front for his parents. I let out a deep sigh and I said aloud to the pictures on the wall, I was so happy back then, why can't it be like that now? Why can't everything go back to normal? I wish things would go back to the way they were 2 years ago but I know I will never be able to fill up the gaping hole in my heart that Claudia left. Things were so different 2 years ago, I thought as I opened the door and walked down the stairs to walk out Sam. 

Ugh! Sam still has the pitiful look in his eyes, it kills me, and it makes me feel weak. I always found my strength when I was with Claudia, that is why I always carry her picture in my pocket, it makes me feel safe. I know I could have put it up as my lock screen on my phone but Claudia never enjoyed the use of technology, she believed that the real world had more to offer than technology ever will. I miss her, I muttered under my breath as I opened the large wooden door for Sam, he stepped out of the house and gave me a quick kiss before he left. It's funny those always make me feel better but this time it didn't change anything. I am starting to feel completely numb inside, is this how Claudia felt before she overdosed on her medication?