What is it?

How did it start...

I find myself constantly asking...

How did it start?

But I don't even know... It just did.

What is it?

A feeling. A feeling that consumes me from the inside out.

But I don't know what the feeling is.

I thought I was dying, I'm not. 

I thought maybe it was love. Does love hurt the way this does? 

Is it hate? Am I so consumed by hatred to the point where I rot?

You tell me.

Can you tell?

Do you feel it, too?

I feel like a zombie, droning through these halls. 

I hope for something, anything.

A bell, alarm, voices... something.

But there's nothing. Nothing but silence, the sound of my own footsteps, and my shaky breaths.

I run my hands along the lockers as I walk through the halls. I peek inside the classrooms, hoping to see someone but, of course, empty.

Maybe I'm dead.

A sigh escapes my lips, and I lean against the lockers. 

I poke at the flesh on my thigh, feeling the warmth beneath my cold hands. I dig into my pocket and pull out a small razor. 

I can't do it..

I have to.

I press the razor against my thigh, watching it cut through the delicate skin. I wince and let out a soft whine.

It hurts, but it helps...

As the blood bubbles up, I bite my lip. It hurts so much that I start to sob. I should be used to it by now. My breathing quickens, and I can't help myself. Pressing the razor into another area of my thigh, whimpering from both pain and satisfaction.

Greedy..

I sigh, placing the razor back in my pocket. 

Now there's blood everywhere. 

Using part of my shirt,  I wipe whatever blood I can off my leg—though I'm still bleeding profusely. I take a deep breath, conjuring enough willpower to stand up and limp into one of the empty classrooms.

I sit on a desk and gaze out the dirty windows. Outside is nothing but fog. I'm not sure if there is much out there.. 

Or if there is anything.

I sit there, staring out into the nothingness till I drift off to sleep.

What time is it?

I check the clock on the wall, but the clock hands are permanently pointing to 8:30 AM. Most clocks in the school are busted—they were even before the war.

So, what was I really hoping for?

I sit up and drag myself across the classroom and out the doors.

Another day of silence.

Of nothing.

I'm so alone..

I can't... it's too much.

Staring down the empty hallway, I start to sob. My cries bounce off the walls, echoing my loser-ness.

I'm such a bitch.

After what felt like hours of crying I get up, stumbling to the nearest bathroom. I grip the sink, staring at my reflection.

Disgusting.

Just the sight makes me sick.

sick..

My eyes narrow, and I sigh. I can't look at myself. I rush to one of the stalls, kneel in front of the toilet, and gag until I throw up.

After throwing up, I lay on the floor, curled up into a ball. Sobs tear through me, rendering me useless. I stay there till I pass out.

Hours later, I shift awake. 

I'm lying on the floor still, drooling on myself like a petulent child.

I need to pull my shit together.

What is the point, though?

I get up to rinse my face with cold water. 

After cleaning myself up, I leave the bathroom to continue my walk through the halls. 

You wonder why I don't just leave, but how do I leave if I'm not sure where I am.

Besides, there's nothing out there for me.

I walk into the cafeteria and sit at one of the tables.

I don't remember how this started. Why I'm here? Why I'm alone?

Every time I try to think of a time before all this, my mind comes up blank. It's like I'm a baby and I was born yesterday.

Remembering turns into daydreaming.

Maybe I had friends, a good family. Maybe someone loved me.

Maybe they held me against their chest, ran their fingers through my hair, and gave me sweet pet nanes.

The thought is gone as quickly as it came. Why would anyone love me?

I lay my head on the table and sigh.

I think I'll lay here...

Maybe sleep here.

My eyelids start to feel heavy, and my vision blurs.

Before I take yet another nap I notice something moving outside the window.

A figure, human like mine.

But I'm too tired to be shocked, and right after seeing it, I drift into a dreamless sleep.