Please, take my heart💋

You are not supposed to lie to me

Prologue*                                                                
_November 26,2019_                            
I wonder why it's like this, why don't I hve any control when that's all which is really required. I don't like it here, I don't want to try anymore but I don't know how to stop either, how do I leave all of this behind, how do I leave his efforts behind, I feel a familiar hold then and my reflex tell me to close my eyes and embrace that temporary warmth. "You okay?", he asks me. "Yup" I reply with hesitation. "Well you know you are not supposed to lie with me. Now I don't know what to say so I simply shrug and say "it's alright". Now his embrace tightens not to hurt me obv but to assure me and he just makes a sound similar to hmmm...I love back hugs I hadn't really admitted it before it maybe because I didn't know I did Ivan made me realise that he loves them equally and I think I love him too but I don't know, I just can't imagine myself in love I don't want to be I am happy like this I don't need anything else... Maybe... He grabs my shoulders then and make me turn so now I am facing him I can feel his breath on my forehead and he holds my one hand and hugs my jaw with the other. "Do you need a distraction right now?",he asks me with his eyes slightly wide and lips parted and I know I am staring up at him which I should not do at any cost because this intense staring always turn to kissing which I am not sure if I am even capable of doing anymore... I avert my gaze to his shoulders instead and nod, he doesn't say anything then maybe he felt that spark in us too but I know he won't acknowledge it not till I am ready. He doesn't leave my hand the entire time and takes me to his bedroom it's honestly my favourite place of his home. It has lavender walls with a big sliding window, books all over his shelf and his table messy and organised at the same time and that small frame of me and Ivan in our college. He sits on bed and turns on the tv I sit too and because no one is speaking now I start to feel a bit awkward I can't help it so I initiate the conversation by saying "what are we gonna watch?" He looks at me for just a second longer and asks, "what do you want to watch?" and I honestly have no idea of the answer to this question I shrug again. We are both quite for maybe another 20 seconds when he says, "I know you are not in your best spirits right now and you don't feel right but just know you have me truly and we will make it right together". I smile so I don't cry