Please, take my heart💋

Falling falling falling

CHAPTER 3*                                                 
   I am in my bedroom now, just physically. Mentally I am in my past. I am not shaking anymore, I think it has been 6 hours since I left Ivan's home to come here but all I remember doing is crying. I think I am calm now maybe because now the ache is not only mental. I drop the cutter from my hand it falls on the floor with a satisfying treble sound and I can feel blood sliding down my arm. It's the first time I have done something like this and it's not because I got cheated indirectly it's because I don't want to stay unmarked. If I have scars on my heart I want the satisfaction of seeing them on my body too. It's like I punished myself because it's my fault. I wasn't good enough to convince anyone in my life to stay. I have promised myself I won't do it again. I try to move my legs but they have become sore... I am in this same position since I don't know how much time. I feel so down right now like someone is torturing me by hanging me to weak rope from a cliff and they are threatening to drop me but I m nt even caring about dying because there is nothing in my life worth living for. I come back to my room with the ring of phone. I thought I wasn't getting a call ever. I mean there's no one who would call me. My heart is beating loudly now in hope it's my hoodie. I check the name with red and swollen eyes which are so explicit I can see their condition in the black screen of my phone. I look to id and ofc it's not my hoodie. My heart drops, It's Ivan. I throw my phone to my bed and finally get up. My legs are shaking in a new rythm now. It's raining outside and I get that sudden urge to go out and let the rain wash over my bloody arm. I go out to my porch and let the heavy drops wash over me. The blood has dried and it won't go till I rub it but I have no energy to clean myself up right now. I just stand in the rain and stare at my place for I don't know how much time when a car pulls up in my driveway. I know it's not him but my heartbeat starts skipping anyway. I feel so cold and so tired and so empty. I make way inside my place. The floor getting damp from my soaked body. I open the fridge and take out my strongest drink and drink it in one go. My house bell rings and I know I should stop myself but I don't do it. The bell rings and rings and rings and I drink and drink and drink till the fridge is empty enough to fill me up. I go in the porch again not caring about the someone who was here a minute ago ringing my door bell. I am still drinking now in the rain when I feel a hand on my shoulder with a very hard grip. It turns me over and I see who was that someone so desperate to get into my place. It's Ivan his eyes are red too. I wonder if he has been crying but why would he cry. He has a very supportive family and he doesn't have a girlfriend who can hurt him. "What the fuck have you been doing? I have called you like million times and I have sent ten times  a million texts to you. What the hell are you doing here getting wet in the rain in night with a drink when you are already drunk enough?" I am too shocked to reply anything. What is Ivan doing here? He never comes likes this. Then I notice his eyes getting wider and getting redder and I don't know if it's tears or rain on his face but it feels like tears and I can't seem to figure out what suddenly has gone wrong with him and then I notice where his eyes are stuck. On my arm.