I'm sure we're taller
in another dimension
You say we're small and
not worth the mention
- White Ferrari, Frank Ocean
~
I wonder what it felt like to be truly loved. I've always wondered.
In my head, I always thought Megumi was the one. The man I'd one day marry. Whose children I'd carry. The thought of a future with him swallowed me whole.
I've never been treated well. So when I met Megumi, I was scared. Afraid.
The love he gave me was different. It was genuine. It scared me, cause I thought I've always thought that the only kind of love I deserved was the type that I'd been shown in the past. So when Megumi showed up, I didn't know what to do. I pushed him away. I distanced myself. I refused a friendship with him. I refused to be in the same room as him, afraid that my feelings would grow stronger than my heart could handle after everything I had been through.
We had it good for a while. He'd treat me like I was the only girl in the world. Like I was the only one that understood him even though there was never really anybody that did. He'd hold me in his arms every night and never let go. He'd tie my shoes and open doors. He'd pay for everything. He bought me flowers literally everyday. He made me food. He comforted me. We never argued once. We spent time with each other. Went on dates. He'd kiss me in the rain and spin me around; I loved it, but at the same time I didn't like the feeling.
It was new. Scary. Threatening.
That's why I pushed him away.
That's why, when I realized how good he was actually treating me, that I became terrified. Our relationship was too good to be true; at least in my head. But it wasn't good. It was perfect and it was real. But my heart couldn't handle it, it was so new to me still that I became overwhelmed. We always communicated but at that time, it was impossible to even utter a word. At the start of our relationship, I'd always distance myself when something was wrong but with him I finally found comfort in talking and communicating. But then a year after it got bad again; I didn't just distance myself, I isolated myself from everyone. From him.
I wonder where we would be now, if maybe I had had just a small amount of courage in my body. Because, my heart would always beat a bit faster when I thought of him. My pupils would dilate when I saw him. My cheeks would turn red when I heard him. But now, my heart drops. My eyes turn away. My cheeks grow pale.
I isolated myself to the point where Gojo sat outside my dorm room on a chair and barely slept, making sure that I did. That I ate. Trained. Kept myself well and it seemed impossible but he managed to keep me alive. Not even Megumi could get to me. He'd leave flowers at my door everyday, I saw his shadow under the threshold and when Gojo was there he's ask how I was doing. I heard them talk. I heard them worry. But when Megumi wasn't there and the flowers he'd leave for me in a vase would die, Gojo threw them away. Months passed where we only talked about once a week. I don't know how my body even began the process off pushing him away the way I did. Because it hurt. Like hell. Because, oh, how I loved him. My heart hurt at how much love I had for him. My whole body ached and I was in physical and mental pain everyday because of it, yet my body decided otherwise and pushed him away.
Talking once a day turned into once a week. Then a few times a month. Then once a month. Then once every few months. Then nothing. That was until one day he knocked on my door. I was laid in bed, curled up and just staring into nothing. Like I did most days.
When I didn't answer, he came inside and pulled my chair to the side of my bed. Instead, he placed the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I had ever seen on it, "Y/n. I love you so much. I've really tried to get to you, but it's like you're not even here anymore. I love you more than you know. We have to break up. This state that you're in. Not eating. Barely sleeping. Never seeing sunlight or your friends. All because of me? I love you enough to know that even if my heart breaks at this, I know it's what's going to help you. But I'll never stop loving you. I'll wait for you, forever."
