Maeve
___________________________
"i wish i could fly away"
Sometimes I wonder where it all went wrong, when throwing my little body in front of a blow stopped being enough.
When I could no longer close my eyes without seeing blood splattered on our rotting walls, Da dancing on our unmarked graves.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for all the times I had to avoid a print by turning the cheek.
Wonder if I can ever look into my Ma's blues and not see teary eyes.
I wonder if I'll ever remember my mother's clear eyes. Knowing they are an ocean blue full of caged feelings doesn't seem to be enough anymore, forgetting how they shine under clear light. They're always glassy and faraway, disassociated from his rusted metal bars.
Joey tells me that I have drawings of her in the ashes of my memories, boarded up and locked behind my tarnished heart.
I refuse to believe that I'd willingly burn her.
Sometimes it's easier to tell myself she never cared, that way I can pretend her blind eye hurts less than the fists sent our way.
Joey and I have always had a duty, a heavy burden. Looking after our siblings, trying to give them a form of parental love that we've lacked. Darren focusing on his studies, so he could escape empty promises and hollow dreams of taking us with him.
Understanding his need to leave is hard to compute with the knowledge that Joey feels like Atlas, yet perseveres. Losing his will to live for anything, even what was once his sole motivation; our survival.
I have never claimed to be God's favourite, but if there is anyone who deserves some grace, it would be Joey.
Joey: our hero, our shield.
I wish I could release him from his burden of duty, but the kids need him. I'm no match for Da, and as sick as it makes me, I can't take the beatings that Joey takes for us.
