Please, take my heart💋

why cant u see? you belong with me

CHAPTER 18*                                                                                                                                   
"What the fuck, why didn't you tell me?" "I  didn't know" He hangs up the phone and I close my eyes to prevent the tears from flooding. I have cried enough already. Suddenly I feel something in my chest and I want to throw up. I run to my washroom and vomit fourth time even though I haven't eaten anything since morning. I am not even able to stand properly I feel like I am gonna trip and fall and then I will die. I was okay last night, I was okay early morning too. I didn't sleep at all and when I was fed up of crying I got up and drank water. It was 4:23 am. After drinking I knew I was gonna vomit, I ran to the washroom and barely reached when I threw up. I even have fever now and I don't know what to do. I am not in the position to go to the doctor,I don't when I will have to vomit. I still dial the number, and he picks up. I tell him that I have been vomiting and I have fever. He says it might be because of exertion. He gives me medicines then, fortunately I have them at home. Travis had told me to always keep a full kit because he won't be present to take care of me. I take my medicines and play music. I start the model then, even though I don't want it to end it has to as soon as it can because I will have to make myself empty, I can't keep getting sick for people. My door bell rings then, I don't want to get up but all in vain ofc theres no choice. I walk towards the door and my legs are shaking with weakness. At some point I feel thankful atleast I am not doing the model I would have ruined it. I open my door and I notice opening it requires a lot of energy. I feel the other person helping me by pushing it open. Then he enters my home and when I finally see who is it, I feel good like my heart just increased four times in area. "What you doing here?" My voice is like I have been crying but yeah that's the truth I have absolutely been crying. He doesn't reply then and keeps standing here examining my face. I don't say anything further and go back to the couch. He follows me and asks, "Have you taken medicines?" I nod and I know I should not start with the model infront of Ivan. "Can you rest for a while or are you sick of sleeping?" I smile a bit and realise my cheekbones hurt. Ivan sits next to me and gestures me to lay down. "I don't want to lay down alone, I feel like I am dying then" "I can lay down with you, if you don't mind" "That's okay we don't have to be sleepyheads". "Don't be awkward, it's okay; how are your cramps?" "Better" He gets up from the couch and make me lie down there. I make sounds in argument but he keeps his finger on his lips and makes a shh sound. He adjusts my legs and I feel something in myself with the firm grip of his hands on my bare legs. I realise just now that I am wearing a tank top with shorts with my scars visible perfectly and my pale body on full display. I try to get up but Ivan keep his hand on my shoulder and I have zero energy to fight back. I tell I haven't bathed and he says you don't stink. I tell him honestly I want to change my clothes. He started at me and asks, "why?" I tell him I don't want to show my arm and moreover whatever I am wearing is revealing. He holds my arm then and brings out close to his mouth and I don't understand what he is doing until his kisses the place with the deepest scars. His eyes are closed and he keeps kissing uptill scarred skin. When he opens his eyes they are red and watery. He shuts them for a second and says, "you are sick and shaking with every word you say and instead of worrying about yourself you are worrying about me being affected by your scars and your revealing outfit. Your scars are mine scars too and you know what even if you lie down naked all I'd do is hug you to sleep. I don't know if it's mental or physical exertion but whatever it is please stop being so hard on yourself, please." His voice breaks a little bit and he goes out of the room. I think about each syllable that he just said while he is gone. After maybe 5 minutes he returns with a bowl. "Do you want me to feed you?" I shake my head immediately and grab the fork from him. He nods and say with a faint smile, "I figured". While I eat apple Ivan stares at me and his hands massage my foot. I don't understand how that gives me peace and adrenaline at the same time. I think then I fall asleep with my legs in Ivan's lap and my feet being massaged by his long hands and by the grace of God the dreams of Travis doesn't torture me like last time.