Please, take my heart💋

i hate you, no you hate that you love me

CHAPTER 24*                                              
I don't know if I am supposed to feel comfortable or peaceful with this position. I have high fever and headaches usually accompany me with it right now I have a specialised pillow which is Ivan's thigh and he is massaging my head because earlier I had almost starting crying because of the pain. I had taken my medicines two hours earlier but nothing has gotten better I feel like I might die with coughing and the banging inside my head. I am cuddling a pillow and Ivan has played very light music which was supposed to give me comfort but with dim lights it's just making me anxious, lying in Ivan's lap is adding up the anxiety. I don't wanna feel that lovey dovey feeling but I am getting it nevertheless. I know it's very late already and I should let him sleep so I get up and start pretending I have gotten better. "I am okay now, thanks, good night". "I am not leaving until you sleep". What the actual fuck now I have to pretend to be asleep. I lay down quickly and close my eyes, he puts a comfittor over me and keeps messaging my head lightly. I don't know why but I suddenly turn my face to his side and look at him with half open eyes. I can figure out he is staring at me and suddenly he keeps his arm over my waist which even after being covered with comfittor feels warmer with Ivan's touch. I might have had a weird expression on my face for a moment because Ivan smiled a bit. "I know what you are trying to do but I won't leave until you actually sleep and you won't be able to fool me baby, get that" "Don't call me baby" "Huh why?" I shrug my one shoulder and his stare turns to an intense one. " You are my baby" I feel that feeling in my stomach again and try to distract myself. After a second I say, "everyone is your baby, you call everyone like that". "I am not telling you the truth" "Why?"  " You won't like it"  "Just say it, you should tell me everything if you expect me to tell you everything" "I call others baby when I am with you so that you think I call everyone like that, deep down I want you to be jealous over me, but it's okay, I love you either way"  This time my whole body gets butterflies and I get a feeling of crying to death but I just transform my lips into a thin line, cuddle my pillow as tight as I can and move a bit closer to Ivan in a way in which he wouldn't notice I did it with the purpose of being closer to him but he understands the assignment and asks, "can I lay down with you?"  I don't know what to say I nod my very lightly and he embraces me at once. My face is now facing his chest and even though we aren't close enough so that I get the opportunity to bury my face in his body this position alone make me so much better. He keeps his arm on the pillow above my head and I don't know what instructs me but I toss my head up and his arm sneaks under my head. He takes away his arm from over my waist and pulls the comfittor over him too then he slips his arm under it and hugs me by my waist again. I don't leave the plushie I was holding and I don't realise when I fall asleep in the warmth like of sun--------- "You are okay baby" I think I am hearing this a hundredth time and his lips are on my head I can feel them moving as I hear his voice which is as low as a whisper. The room is too dark, too dark just like my head, just like Travis, just like my favourite night. Everything has become a nightmare nothing feels right, I don't want to stay close to anyone, I hate people, I hate it here I hate I wanna go I wanna leave please let me die let me die there's nothing to live for there's nothing to live fo--- I am wrapped up against a firm body and he is holding me like I will collapse if he leaves. There's just a faint light from the early sunrise and I just see him wiping his tears before I fallll into the dar----  "Good morning partner, take care, call me pleasee" Ivan kisses the area an inch below my ear and leaves. His face was too pale and his body weary, his eyes having dark circles and his heart beating heavily. At this point I feel a sudden rage I don't know why but I want to punch Travis right now. I know he is still my life and I know how to survive without him and I don't know my heart has a little hope he will come back but I want to punch him or maybe punch myself. I feel a sudden nausea and rush to my bathroom to vomit excess of all the things I have been holding.