Regret

Chapter 1: Andrew

     Three weeks ago, I moved in with my best friend, Christian. It was going amazing. Living with your best friend of years. Getting to wake up and see him, and hear him talk, and hug him - and his morning voice is so - mmm. I don't think I could ever explain the way I feel for him, I know that I've always had feelings for him, but I always was able to ignore them considering we lived 4 states away, but now, all I gotta do is step out of my room and I can see him.
I was sitting at our now shared kitchen table drinking tea list in my thoughts before I heard him yell. "ANDREW! I'LL BE BACK LATER!" I heard the clang of his knifes and the door shut, well, more like slam. But that's okay, if he's upset he'll go throw knives, then he'll come home and sit next to me on the couch and rant, then we'll put on music and dance, then go to bed. It's a nice routine. I smile as I head into the bathroom. 'Maybe we'll go out today and just enjoy the weather.' I look in the mirror, and I laugh as I bend down to see my hair. Being 6'2 in a house that's made for a 5'9 man is a little silly, but that's okay. I start trying to figure out what to do with my hair. It's not like it's hard to style. It's pretty short, so I just slick it back and call it a day.

I decided that ice cream sounded nice so I started to walk, there's this older lady who makes the best blueberry ice cream about 4 blocks away, so I threw on some music and went on with my walk. The clouds looked a bit grey and not as nice as they were this morning, but that's okay. If it's too grey to go out tonight, we can watch a movie and order in. I walked for about 20 minutes before reaching my destination, Kathrine was there, and she looked overworked. She was 74 and had this ice cream parlor for 50 years. I got my normal blueberry ice cream and paid her extra before heading out. I got about halfway home before the thunder started, then the rain. I laughed, putting up my hood, and pathetically ran home. It was only about 4:30 when I got back, soaked, and laughed to myself. I started taking off my soaking clothes before I got water all over the house.

I sent Christian a selfie telling him that I got caught in the rain, hoping it would cheer him up a bit. He still wasn't home, but he'd be back soon. Maybe he's waiting for the rain to die down. I ran to the bathroom to throw the wet clothes in the wash before walking to my room. I grabbed a plain tee shirt, just a light blue one and a pair of sweats. I heard my phone buzz, and it was a snap from Christian. It was a picture of the floor of a nearby pub. I asked him if he had gotten stuck in with the rain, but he just sent me a thumbs-up emoji. I felt myself frown a bit before I set my phone down and shook off my hair. I'm soooo glad I spent like 20 minutes doing it this morning.

I sigh and throw on some random sitcom on the TV in my room. Flopping on my bed. I don't really really remember falling asleep, but I know I woke up when I heard a crash from the kitchen and someone was going "shhhh" and then laughing. I groaned and looked at the time, 11:23 PM. I stretch before walking out into the kitchen. I saw Christian standing there with a mouth full of something and a bowl shattered on the floor. He looked like a raccoon who had just found the jackpot in our trash bin, and he smelt like it, too. "Chris? Are you okay?" I ask, walking closer to him. He gasps and smiles, his cheeks stuffed with what I now know is dry cereal. "Andrewwww, what are you doin' here???" His voice was all sorts of slurred and muffled. "Chris, I live with you." I smile slightly when his eyes light up. They're bright blue and light up like a child's on Christmas day. He stumbles over and hugs me. I hug him back, smiling at him shoving his face into my chest, and mumbling. Even drenched in rain, sweat, and whatever alcohol he was drinking, his hair still smelt nice. He's got wicked soft dark brown hair. It's just another thing I like about him. He normally doesn't drink himself drunk at bars, though, so I don't know what I should do in this moment, so I just embrace it.

He mumbled something into my chest and then looked up at me. "Pardon?" I smile, looking down at him.
"I love you, Andy." He spits out. He's got such a dorky smile. It's contagious, so I smile too. I flick him in the forehead giggling.
"go to bed, you dork." I let go of him waiting for him to do the same, but he just looks at me. I don't know why, but I was getting wicked butterflies.
"Join me." He smiled, moving his hands from my torso to my waist. I sighed and backed away.
"Love me."
"Don't be a fool." I looked at him, then the mess he had made. He stepped closer to me, placing his hands on my chest.
"Please, Andy.." He said quietly, looking up at me. I don't know what it was, but his eyes looked desperate. He rubbed circles into my chest, waiting for me to respond.

I looked down at him, then groaned, throwing my head back. "Fine. Your bed or mine." I said in defeat. He smiled and stumbled into my room. I looked at the still shattered bowl and cereal on the floor, knowing I should pick it up. I grabbed the broom and cleaned up his spill before grabbing water and walking into my room. "Drink this." I threw the bottle to him. He was taking off his pants, and it caught me off guard. "Oh my god, Chris, what are you doing." I put a hand to cover my eyes and look away.
" 'm changing." He mubles trying to fumble with the buttons on his shirt. He throws his hands down and groans, "Help me!" Chris reminds me of a toddler. It would almost be cute if it wasn't for the fact he was half naked and drunk on my bed. I walk over and start unbuttoning his shirt for him, I take note on the bright pink shirt and red plaid pants from my wardrobe that are now sitting beside him on the bed. He looks at me like I'm the most interesting person in the world, I try to ignore it as I'm unbuttoning his shirt. "Pumpkin chocolate chip cookie." He says, looking into my eyes. I look up and chuckle.
"What-?"
"Your eyes look like chocolate chip." He says, staring into my eyes. I look back down to continue undoing his shirt. He places his hand on my face. I stand up and clear my throat.
"Get dressed I'll be back in a minute." I say walking of my room and into the bathroom.

       'Oh my god' I splash my face with water. I look up into the mirror, noticing how red my face is. I take a deep breath, remind myself he's drunk, and start walking to my room. 'Whatever he's saying, he doesn't mean it.' I tell myself before opening my door. He's lying under my blankets on the outside of my bed.
"Sleep." I didn't even know he was awake, but I was ready for bed considering it was past midnight. I plug in my phone and lay beside him. He rolls over and looks at me, and he smiles. "You smell like you." His words still slurred. I just nod and close my eyes, placing my hands on my stomach to get comfortable. About 5 minutes later I feel him lift up my hands and try to crawl in between them, leaning his head on my chest. I groan and open my eyes.
"Whattttt," He grabs my hand and places it on his shoulder, trying to make me hold him.
"Love me." He mumbles, trying to cuddle up to me. I push him off me, readjust myself, then the blanket, then I look at Christian, who's proping himself up with his hand looking at me.

"Come here." I say, leaving my chest open. He smiles and cuddles up to my chest, placing his hand further down to the hem of my shirt. I can feel my face get warm at that against my better judgment, but it got worse when he placed his hand under my shirt. Drawing hearts on my lower stomach and playing with my happy trail. "Go to sleep." I sigh, wrapping my arms around him. He hums and stops rubbing, instead just placing his hand there instead. We lay there for what seems like forever before he speaks. "Andrew?" He says, rubbing his thumb against my stomach.
"Yes, Christian?" I just want to sleep.
"Do you love me?" He asks, mindlessly messing with my stomach.
"Of course I love you, you're my best friend." I respond smiling at him. He hums and I think that's it. I close my eyes and try to sleep.

"Would you kiss me?" He says, this time looking up at me.
"I-" I fumble on what to say. Do I want to kiss him? Absolutely. Would I kiss him? Maybe one day. Would I kiss him now? I don't know.
"Why, would you kiss me?"
"Yes." He says blankly. I nod and it gets quiet again. "Andrew. Do you love me?" He asks again. It's quiet for a second before he continues. "Not as a friend. Do you love me?" He says, looking back down to his hand. It's quiet. I don't know what to say. Do I love him? Sorta kinda. Do I need him? Sorta kinda. He sighs and stops moving his hand. "I love you." He says before yawning. "Goodnight, Andy." He mumbles before he nuzzles into my chest.
"Goodnigt Chris.." I respond. I love you.