Beneath the Scars

Chapter 1

"Please stay for a while, Kai!" she said to me while we were celebrating our last day of college life. We have survived after long years of hard work, persistence, and diligence while feeling pain, doubt, and joy. It just seems like a normal happy day for her but not for me.

How can I enjoy the moment if I suddenly feel suffocated? How can I be happy with them if I have a feeling of distancing myself because it's hard for me to voice out my thoughts? I want to go home; I cannot understand myself. I cannot be with her if I'm being like this.

The in-depth of my thoughts suddenly vanished when I heard a scream in front of me.

"What are you doing?! Are you insane?!"

"H-huh?" I looked at his full of confusion. What is he talking about and... since when I come here on the first floor of the bar? Why I'm here? I should be on the second floor, not here.

"Are you gonna stare at me like you did not do that on purpose?! The hell! I was walking in this hallway then you suddenly bumped into me while cursing me. Then what, you're going to throw your liquor to me?!" He's livid.

I slowly turned my gaze from my left hand, which is clenched, to my right hand, which is in a defensive mode and almost like throwing a wine glass that I was holding. I trembled; I could not control myself. "I'm s-sorry, I'm sorry" I bowed my head while saying those words and I ran away, far from that place without thinking that my friend is waiting for me on the second floor. Why cannot I control myself? I felt sorry but my action tells otherwise!

It was supposed to be the best memory of my life as a college student, but it turned out a dreary day for me. I'm scared. Weeks have passed but I can't go outside. I want to explore and do the things that I want but how? I'm afraid that I might hurt the people around me. The last time it happened again was when I just found myself laughing and talking to myself in front of the mirror. I can speak fluently with myself but talking to my friend was like having a puzzled mouth. That night, I cannot sleep peacefully. I woke up with a shivering hand, a building sweat on my forehead, and heavy breathing. I dreamt of my own family. I-I miss them and there's a hollow scape inside me that will never be filled like a smile without happiness, like a human without humanity, and it's like a body without soul. The shade of that afternoon didn't let me go but it strangled me so it will make a mark in me—a scar.

"Love, can you please wear your seatbelt properly? Also, make sure that Kai's seated properly, huh" Daddy said to Mama while he was busy maneuvering.

"Hey love, what's wrong? We don't need to hurry; our flight is 9 pm." Mom began to be restless in her seat.

"Uh, love, I-I love you b-both, please d-don't ever forget that. Kai, you are the greatest gift for us." I can't understand them. Daddy's sweet voice while Mama's crying and shouting at Daddy was the one I heard inside our car.

"Karsen! What is happening? Why are you saying that!"

"Listen, love, I think there's a brake failure in our car." I saw him hold my mama's hand and kiss it tenderly. The last thing that I heard was my daddy's I love you. I saw with my eyes how we bumped into a tree. I am the only survivor.

I thought that day was just the only traumatic day for me, but it wasn't. After a month of grief, my auntie got me to be my guardian. I expected her to be like my daddy, but the reality tells otherwise.