Beneath the Scars

Chapter 3

"Okay listen, I have something to tell you" She suddenly strums in her guitar, and I closed my eyes to feel every word that comes from her mouth.

"𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨
𝘙𝘦𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰
𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧, 𝘯𝘰"

It feels as though I'm dissolving, my essence scattered to the winds, leaving behind only traces of what once was. But for the first time, I don't want to give up on this. I want to live longer. I want to celebrate each passing day for being brave. I want to be free in a peaceful way.

"𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘺
𝘈𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶
𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘐𝘧 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰
𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶"

I can't hold my tears-wanting to escape from my eyes. I am like a painter without eyes, writer without ink, existing without life, but her voice soothed my feelings like I was an art that needs to be handled in a gentle way. It's like a lullaby in my ears. I cried from everything that happened and she patiently hugged me until I calmed down. Too late, I fell asleep again and the last time that I heard from her was, "Let it go, Kai. I may be not here beside you when you wake up but remember that you always have me in your heart. I hope we finally uncage ourselves in a cage that keeping us in the darkness. Fight for yourself, fight for us, Kai."

I believed in her. I take my medicine thrice a day. I explore everything around me even if I'm scared. I surround myself with a healthy and supportive environment. I know that it is too hard for me to keep going but I try every passing day. However, even if I kept fighting, I think I'm still losing. I'm in the present, yet don't know that still existing. I am here, yet I felt like I am being nowhere.

"Code blue! Code blue!"

"Someone called blue in room 8!"

I am exhausted. I'm tired of being diagnosed with schizophrenia. I'm tired of saying that everything is okay even if the scars from my arms to my wrists are still fresh from a dark red liquid from it. After experiencing hell at my auntie's house, she delivered me to the hospital. Her reason? She's scared of me since she caught me talking to myself. I couldn't understand myself. I don't know myself. It's hurting me into pieces when the fact that I tried my best to keep forward, but life gently pulled the dagger from my chest with an invisible hand. I guess, it is the end of my era. I was a flower in a garden that never had a chance to meet the sun.

I wanted to stay and fight for us, Aki, but it's too late. Thank you for having a part of me. Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for being me. Let's meet in other gallaxies where cruelty is just a tale and happy ending is not selfish. I love you. I love us until the end.

"P-please, stay for a w-while, Kai" I heard Aki in my head and my tear slowed down in my cheek. Then a noise from the machine occupied the room.

"Time of death: 2:30 am; Date: June 13, 2000; Name of the patient: Akia Mordova"