mind - the author's thoughts

Disappointment (think)

Why am I so disappointed over this? I'm crying as I write this, and I can barely think about what to say. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see my friends. But I can't, and he's leaving before I even get to say goodbye in person.

I'm disappointed in myself, too. Why do I care so much? I never thought I'd be this attached to them when I first saw them, goofing around or teasing each other, like a family. Now, I'm a part of that family, and I care too much.

After a trip away from home, all I wanted was to see their faces, and hug her, and tease him, and relax, letting my stress melt away and the laughter overtake me. Instead, I'm met with a blank wall, and a sign that says "Closed."

From the outside, when you look at us together, I might not seem very close to them. But I know them well, and they know me. We've been on the same team for years, some newer than others, but we've seen each other sob, and fume, and just sit there, quietly, because we're on the brink of exhaustion. We've shared celebrations from our accomplishments, and terror at the sight of a broken limb. I'm as close to them as my family.

But there are still boundaries that don't exist with my blood relatives. I've never called them, only texted. We talk mainly in person, and that's good enough. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice, but I'm crying, and maybe he doesn't think we're close enough to just call out of the blue. Sometimes I just want to squeeze the life out of her and rest my head on her shoulder, but I can only do that in person.

Our parents don't know each other, they've only exchanged polite greetings, and only once or twice, never all together in a group like us.

I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that I can't break those boundaries out of fear. I'm disappointed that I'll have to wait at least a month to see him again—and it breaks my heart, because I looked forward to it during the trip, thinking "this is the last time I'll see him before text is the only thing connecting us for a month"—and I'm disappointed that this is all I can write about my emotions.

There's so much more that I'm feeling but I know I can never put it entirely in words. I love him. I love her. But I wouldn't date them, I really think that's not what I feel. Maybe we're soulmates. Maybe it's just one way—but deep inside I don't really think this. Maybe... we just have to around each other to be happy, and that's all we need.

I just want to be next to them. In their arms, listening to their words, talking, playing, teasing, laughing, and living.

Maybe this just turned out to be a love letter.