I think I am too nice. Its egocentric to say it, I know. But I had to speak my mind.
Why does humankind must always hurt the nicest? The most vulnerable? Its unnecessary and cruel. I've heard some say that when we go to a garden and the prettiest flower to then rip it from the soil, the same thing happens with people.
My therapist says that I don't get angry enough. That I tolerate too much. "Is that bad?" I ask. "Not necessarily." She answers and turns her head.
Most of my life has been full of manipulations. Me being the puppet with strings attached to limbs and mind. The dog who's neck is wrapped around a collar.
I don't like feeling like that. I know that I'm easy to manipulate.
My worst nightmare is loosing friends. No matter how much or less close to me they are. If they get angry for whatever nonsense I'm the one who pays for it. Being ignored and left behind. But what if I did the same? Bet they wouldn't even bother to ask what's wrong.
I have to care about their stories and dramas. However when I share mine with them I am being too talkative or annoying. When will I recieve the same respect I am willing to give with every breath I take? So many questions and the only answer I get is that my friends are not real ones.
"But I love them!" I cry. "I know... but sometimes there are people that should just be left out of your life." They tell me. But I don't want to listen. My heart is stubborn and blind and it will love until it is directly broken or told out loud that it was all a game to avoid loneliness.
Once a friend told me "You have to be kind. You have to be respectful. You have to be a good friend and be there for others. But you cannot be stupid." I'm not stupid. I just don't like harming others. I don't like defending myself if it means others could be hurt by it. I don't know what to answer if you ask me which is more important, others or myself. I choke a sob insted.
Its not fair that I am too nice. I don't want to be. Its egocentric to say it, I know. But I had to speak my mind.
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A black hole of words
PoetryPoems and short texts that I write when I can not express my feelings and emotions out loud. Some texts are in spanish, others are in english, so if you like them I'll be posting both versions of each written text. I hope you like them :) ...
