⚠️TW DRUGS
I was in front of my friend's door, paralyzed. I had been invited to spend the evening at my best friend's house, to watch a solar eclipse the day after. Even though I knew it was an excuse my friend had found to invite people over. Damn, why is it so difficult... I decided to do violence to myself, and finally ring the doorbell. It was always difficult to see people, even my friends, because I had to smile all the time, and I was tired of it all.
But I had a very specific idea in mind. The last time I spent the evening at my friend's house, I met a boy who had haunted my thoughts day and night ever since. I left my room for the first time in three days, showered, for the first time in three days, changed, for the first time in three days. It was like every time, I no longer had the strength to do the little everyday things, everything was too heavy to carry to have the strength to get out of bed.
But I was hoping to see him tonight, and I told myself I had to do something, when I started having nightmares. Nightmares are a sign that I need to move, otherwise I'll sink. It's that simple ..
The door opened to reveal the pretty face of my friend, who gave me a sincere smile before taking me in her arms and inviting me inside.
There were already many people in the living room, and music was playing everywhere in the apartment. The walls were illuminated with colorful lights, giving a surreal look to those dancing. I looked for one boy, without finding him, for many minutes. Then, completely discouraged, I collapsed onto the sofa. As soon as I sat, my demons diminished. What exactly was I doing there? I didn't know anyone except my best friend, and she wouldn't come and talk to me. Could I have gone and talked to her ? Yes. Was I tired of always being the one seeking contact? Yes again. So I decided not to get up, to wait.
After an hour I was still alone, of course no one had paid any attention to me. The others had taken out medicines. I didn't know how they got there, but I was angry and I was sad, again. I got up to get some, but instead of swallowing it, I kept it with me, before returning to the couch. I stayed for several long minutes, looking straight ahead at the pill placed on the table. I had never taken the plunge. I didn't know what it would do to me exactly, but when I felt my anxiety coming back with a vengeance, I decided to swallow it in a gulp of water.
I decided to isolate myself in the next room. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to get high alone, I wanted to forget, alone. The expected effects did not take long to arrive. Sitting on the cold bathroom tiles, I began to feel light. I felt the weight on my chest getting lighter and lighter, I smiled stupidly when I started to feel myself floating. For the first time in years, my head was empty, I wasn't afraid.. I observed myself from above, as if floating above my immobile body.
Suddenly I felt hands on my shoulders. I fell asleep, and came down a little, allowing me to become aware of what was happening. I would have recognized its smell among thousands. He was there, in front of me, his arms outstretched on my shoulders.
“You ended up fading away…”
