Cyclic; What's Eating Me Alive

Chronic

Something is killing me from within. Slowly eating me alive. Ripping me away piece by piece, day by day.

Every day is uncertain. The anxiety consumes my entire body every time I awake. "Everyday is a new day" I remind myself, trying to make the best of it. But how are you supposed to just accept a constant curse from within? How do I not make it become who I am?

Just take a deep breath, in and out, and remind yourself who you are. Maybe then we can live to see the light of another day.

I used to have a normal childhood, just like everyone else. I had a happy family. Unfortunately for me though, I wasn't born into a healthy body. Ever since I could remember i've had health complications throughout my entire life. For most of it I could just go ahead and deal with it day by day, but this, this is something else...

For so long I was blamed. Shamed and belittled because of it. Told that it was somehow 'my fault' and i just need to 'do better.' Told that its normal because 'every kid gets sick' but this wasnt normal... It was far from it.

Nobody could help, doctors all seemed useless and just as confused as me.

I just want answers... I just NEED answers. I can't keep doing this.

Nobody can ever imagine what it's like to be in my shoes, and I hope nobody ever has to endure what my body goes through on a daily basis.

It's my own personal hell. I don't know what I did to deserve this.

"Why Me?!" I ask myself daily, screaming and crying against whatever god has decided to curse me with this. "I don't know what I did to deserve this..."

Reoccurring bouts of pain, doom, and misery. Just some of the things that my life is based around. Anxiety and fear coursing through my bones with no signs of stopping.

How is my life supposed to be this? How am I not supposed to let it consume me and define who I am as a person?

One day I'm here, and the next day I'm gone. Every time taking a piece of me with it.

I almost wish it would just fully take over, consume me one final time so that I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. No longer fighting a daily battle for my pointless life. But I can't just leave my family like that, I can't even imagine what it would do to them. So once again, I just keep fighting and battling my silent killer, taking it day by day. Praying for a better tomorrow. Even though tomorrows always uncertain.

Just remember... Suppress, suppress, suppress... Keep on a happy face and disassociate your way through the day. Maybe then I can keep going.

I hope I can keep going...

Fuck. What has my life come to?

But I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's take it back to 8 years ago when the symptoms first started showing.

I was only 16, just a sophomore in high school. It's funny looking back at it that one of the most stressful parts of my day was just deciding what I was gonna wear to school. Little did I know my whole life was going to change for the worst in an instant.

While everyone's busy doing homework and talking to boys, I was busy spending all my time in and out of the hospital. Getting my classwork delivered to me and sent to me online. Countless tests and medications trying to figure out some sort of answer, but always left with nothing.

I constantly feel like i've just been thrown into and endless ocean of course water, trying to get my head above the water but still drowning. I can see everyone around me with boats and floating devices, keeping them safe and secure while my head just keeps on getting forced below. Fighting for air

All I feel is pain from head to toe. No matter what I do, i feel trapped. Nothing I do is ever enough.

This is what's eating me alive and I don't know if I can just keep on going. It's too much, it's too painful.

Help me... Please just someone, anyone help me. I just need someone to free me. I always think it can't get worse, until it does. Im too young to be this destroyed and broken. Everyone is out living their best lives, while this is the life that was chosen for me, and its just so unfair.