2012

sunflower (real feelings)

this chapter is written completely differently than it was in the first chapter. In this chapter, May and Stella became friends through the internet. It's a real-life story, and I decided to write this because today is my birthday and it's not the same celebrating it without you, Stella. You were my everything, the reason my smile stayed on my face longer than it had with anyone else, so thank you for being in my life. This chapter is also called "sunflower" because that's what represented our friendship.
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I woke up the next morning, the sun not shining anymore, my room not as bright as it used to be, and my face didn't convey the smile it does every day. For the first time in a long time, a fake smile stretches across my face.

Dad calls from downstairs insisting me to get up and get ready for school. I want to tell him no, I've lost everything I had, my moon, my stars, my everything. How do you expect a human to live happily ever after when their smile has faded?

Only in the moment, did I realize that I never appreciated Stella as much as she did me. How positive she was in the letters that we mailed each other, how close I actually felt to her. She was only an hour of drive away, surely that was close enough, but it wasn't. Sending letters and gifts to each other was the closest we could get.

I'll never forget the excitement I felt when I first received your letter, the very first one we mailed each other. And I'll never forget how excited you were in your messages when you received mine, I wish I could give you that excitement once again, but I can't.

The final letter that you promised to mail me no matter what happens, it will be different. When I open the letter, it won't be filled with excitement but tears and sobbing on how I could've appreciated you more. 

There's no way to explain how I feel about losing you. Its almost like when they said flipping the last page of a book and feeling like you lost a friend. That barely describes how I feel about losing you, and I can't find the right words for it. The love you convey for me is infinite. 

You promised to forever remember me, but you said forever doesn't exist between us humans, but you also said forever existed between us. Us. What happened to us?

I wish I could explain to you in words how I will always remember you. How I remember Yigin Chen who used to work at the restaurant and how he promised to forever keep in touch but he stopped returning my calls. 

Luying, Yuchen and Emily, who all promised to keep in touch through Instagram, but they slowly got busy with their own lives, boyfriends, and moving to different cities to experience the world and I was slowly left behind too. 

Terry, who used to work as a delivery driver at the restaurant. I haven't seen him since 2020, but I still remember how nice he was and what he looked like, the same as for Andrew, which I never told you about. 

What Leanne did to the old man who worked as a delivery driver just because he was white and wasn't Chinese. The way she starved him and wouldn't let him have the littlest bit of food just because they were making his delivery order even though she gave Terry food.

In this way, I will never forget you, Stella. Don't ever doubt if I have forgotten about you, because I haven't. You let me see the world in a way that I never have before. When I'm chatting with you, or when we're doing our silly, goofy silent calls because we both can't talk but we're just laughing at the screen by just looking at each other. I'll never forget those memories.

If I could fill a whole memory box with our memories, I'll have a thousand of them, because you mean more than just the world to me. I believe you deserve everything in the world, more than space, the galaxy, or the Milky Way.

All the things I wanted to give you, I can't, because you're gone, aren't you? You're probably dancing happily in the sunshine and shining like you always do. All I hope is that you're happy, even though I'm still grieving 20 days later in the pain that you're gone, it's fine because I know you're dancing out there and writing your beautiful poems and stories that I know one day you will get recognized for. 

You dream to learn Emseralda in ballet and I believe that you will because you're just that amazing. You said you wanted to give me the world, and things that you could never give me and how you didn't want me to wait forever for you to text again, but I would and I will.

Though you're almost completely "gone" now, the air is still warm with the happiness that you've brought me but it's slowly fading away with each passing moment. The only times I can be happy is when I'm in tears reading all the happy letters that you sent me when we were still happy.

I really wish we could have had more time to make more memories that we could never forget, and I'll forever hold your quote, "Meeting you is something that I'll never regret, let's make more memories so we can never forget!" Only it's the other way around now.

Truly, meeting you is something I'll never forget or regret because you're the whole wide world to me. The only thing I regret about you is how I didn't appreciate your worth like you needed to be. Only if I had loved you more, maybe would you have stayed? Would things turn out all the same?

Maybe this was all meant to happen, to meet, hate each other, meet again, love each other, be together forever, then your mom ended everything with your social media and so we never text again? I'm literally desperate to even get a one-word message from you.

Now I will believe everything you said that day, how you know that we will meet again one day. So I'll pray every day for that to happen, and make a wish for it to happen on my birthday and every candle I can blow on.

Meeting you is something that I'll truly never regret. I'll be the villain and kill the whole world if it means that we can be together forever. I'd kill everything and everyone I ever loved before to be with you. Though I know you will be the hero and kill me to save the world, it's fine, as long as I get to spend my last minutes on Earth knowing I met you again.
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Music that I had playing in the background while writing this
1. Spirits - The Strumbellas
2. Night Changes - One Direction
3. Little Bit Better - Caleb Harn, ROSIE
4. Happier - Olivia Rodrigo
5. Die First - Nessa Barrett
Love yours truly, May (Loushi)
May 27th, 2024 - 7:05pm EST