Fix my problems with a blade

Pairing: Jake x johnnie
Summary: johnnie is going through it and jake doesn't really realize how bad it is until he sees johnnie doing something jake thought he stopped long ago.
Genre: angst/fluff
TW: self harm, eating disorder kinda, depression, disasosiating
Word count: 1386

No ones pov
Johnnie was having a shitty day, no a shitty week or maybe two. He couldn't remember how long it had been, he hasn't really left his bed, only to eat or use the bathroom. Not to mention when he ate he didn't eat much, it didn't matter though he couldn't keep it down anyway. Why was he feeling this way? Well there's a few reasons, one being his so called "fans” being assholes. They body shame him, tell him he's immature, make fun of every little thing he does, it's like people don't realize that he's a person too, and it shouldn't bother him, he knows that, but it hurts. No matter how hard he trys to ignore the hate it fucking hurts. 

Another reason he's been feeling this way is because Jake has been filming with Tara or Carrington or anyone other than him a lot lately. Jake is basically Johnnie's only true friend, so it's sad to see him with other people. Johnnie knows Jake has his own life though so he doesn't mention it to him. 

Johnnie has also just been really depressed in general for no particular reason, he simply just is. Johnnie is a mess right now, laying on his bed in his dark room, wearing the same clothes he's had on for days, hair messed up and makeup smeared on his face. The worst part is Jake hasn't even checked on him, hasn't asked him what's wrong or why he's been in his room all this time. He probably doesn't care, Johnnie thinks.

 
Johnnie's pov
I'm just laying here my mind going a mile a minute, I overthink one thing then immediately another thing. I wish my brain would just stop sometimes. It's so fucking loud.

 I don't think Jake likes me, he probably just has pity for me, he doesn't wanna be my friend, why would he? I mean look at me, fucking look at me. I wish I could be better. For him. Wait. My mind wanders somewhere else then I come to a realization. I like Jake. No, I love Jake. I would do anything for Jake. Fuck there goes my mind again, Jesus I wish my thoughts would shut up. I'm not fucking gay what am I thinking? But maybe I am...

I think a little more then I start crying. Why am I crying? I'm in love with my best friend who probably hates me that's why. I'm such an idiot. He would never like me back. Even if he wasn't straight he wouldn't like me. 

Jake's pov
I'm filming with Tara right now, but I can't help but think about Johnnie. He hasn't been doing good recently. I'm worried about him. I haven't asked him what's wrong because I don't wanna push him to talk about anything. But It's been too long. I'm gonna try and talk to him today, I miss my best friend. When I finish filming with Tara I make my way back home to mine and Johnnie's shared house. I stopped on the way home to get Wingstop for him and I.

 I unlock the door and yell out "honey I'm home" in my mama bear accent. No response. I lay the food in the kitchen "Johnnie? I got food for us" I yell out, still no response. I walk over to his door and as I'm about to knock I hear sobs. I decide to knock anyway "Johnnie? You ok?"

"Uh, yeah I'm fine go away, I'm busy" he says and I can hear the tremble in his voice. "Johnnie, are you sure you're ok?" I ask genuinely worried 

"Yes I'm fine Jake now go" he snaps at me, I walk away from his door and go eat my food, I wait for Johnnie to come out of his room but he doesn't.

Johnnie's pov
I get up from my bed to do the only thing I have the energy left to do. I know it's not a good idea but I need it. I go to my dresser and take out my razor blade. I look at it in my hand for a moment. Should I do it? No I shouldn't. But I need to. But I shouldn't. 

Fuck it.

I start dragging the blade along the skin of  my wrists and thighs, I leave more cuts then I plan to. Before i know it I'm bleeding all over my floor. I finally zone back into reality and realize what I did. Fuck. I start to panic a little but then I just stay sitting on the floor. I'll clean it up later. I'm too tired right now. As I'm about to fall asleep (or pass out from the blood loss) I hear a knock on my bedroom door it's Jake. I tell him to go away, he eventually does. I stay sitting on my floor in my blood thinking about everything and nothing, I don't know how much time has passed when I hear the door open. I've been in and out of consciousness the whole time. I didn't even realize he knocked. I look up at Jake and he looks mortified

"Fuck" he says before kneeling down next to me. I'm dissociating. I can't move.  He wasn't supposed to see me like this. 

Jake's pov
I walk into Johnnie's room after a little while, I'm not expecting what I see. My heart drops, and my eyes widen and I start to panic. Johnnie is sitting on his floor in a puddle of blood, he looks up at me and I drop to my knees beside him. 

"Johnnie I'm so sorry I should have talked to you sooner" I apologize as I hold his hand. He looks like he's frozen in time. He's not moving, If it wasn't for his rapid breathing I'd think he was dead. He's still actively bleeding so I take my shirt off and press it against some of his wounds. I start to cry. 

"I thought you were clean Johnnie, what happened?" He doesn't answer, it's like he's not all there. I clean him up, put him in some of my clothes and lay him in his bed. He looks at me.

Johnnie's pov
I look up at Jake as I come back to reality, I was wearing different clothes and I was in my bed, he must have moved me. How did I not notice? Jake sits next to me on my bed, he's crying. He's fucking crying. My heart breaks at the fact that I made him cry. He's crying because of me. 

"Jake..." I say softly

"Yeah?" He replies numbly. I lean closer to him "I'm really sorry, I feel like such a burden...and I need to tell you something" I talk softly. He lays next to me and looks in my eyes ready to listen, I take a deep breath. "I love you Jake...not just as a friend" I admit. 

He looks confused and shocked. Fuck he doesn't like me back why did I tell him. Fuck he hates me. What do I do? He's gonna kick me ou- 

My thoughts get cut off by Jake saying

"I love you too" 

Wait what? He must notice my confusion because he adds "what? You didn't think I felt the same? Johnnie we've literally kissed so many times and I've initiated all of them, and told you I enjoyed them" he says honestly. I listen to what he says, he has a point. I smile slightly and wrap my arms around him.

 
Jake's pov
I'm surprised as johnnie hugs me, he's not much of a physical touch person. I'm not complaining though, in fact it feels so good to hug johnnie. I wrap my own arms around him as well and I hold him close to my chest, I look down at him and he looks up at me, his eyes filled with love. I place a soft kiss on his lips. It's just a peck but it means so much more than any of our previous kisses. We lay in each other's arms as I pull the blanket over our intertwined bodies. I lean down and kiss johnnie once more before watching him doze off in my arms. I can't help but admire how beautiful he is. If only he could see how perfect he is inside and out.