the diaries of ulian aleksandrovich

i heard your voice again

i heard your voice again for the first time in a long time.

and for the brief moment that i did, i flashbacked to all those late nights we spent talking to each other, me soothing you, you telling me about your day.

i remember the little song projects i surprised you with and every time i sent you a vm of my own, you'd always be happy abt it and say how grateful you are to hear my voice again. because the sound of my voice calms you down---even if it's a recording from a long time ago.

i remember how much you trusted me back then and i remember how much i wanted to protect you from all the dangers of the world.

i found myself starting to miss you more than i was ever going to allow myself. and then i even started daydreaming that maybe, maybe i can finally get things back to the way they were before. maybe it is, once and for all, the right time. ohhhhh the things i would do for you, the feeling of truly being home, and the silent sorrow could come to an end. maybe we can now be what we were never once were before...
     
    
   
but i scrolled down your profile.

and to my dismay, i saw an appreciation post for the man who has the closest proximity to your heart today. he's doing the things only i was able to do for you. and he's even calling you "love". he's being flexed as your lover, even your family and friends know. and, and... and i can do nothing again. nothing, but keep this distance between us.

i've always wanted to bring us back. but because i was misguided, i fell into the arms of someone else shortly after you said goodbye and finally shut me out. and though i came running back to you after, searching for the one person i've truly wanted from the start, i couldn't bring myself to bleed on you from the break-up i had just cut myself from.

and so i waited to heal. but then you met someone who was already waiting for you. and though that ended quickly and yet again, you and i were on regular speaking terms, i wasn't fully in my best state. i couldn't even be romantically available for anyone else for that matter. on top of that, i was a fool to think that i couldn't be vulnerable around you when all this time i've known you, that's what you wanted me to be like for you.

fortune favours the bold. but back then (and perhaps until now), i wasn't bold at all.

and so, i lost you again. and then i lost you to someone who lives out of the country. he can never reach you in person. but ever since you both started dating, no one has ever reached you closer than he can.

and i'm out of your life for a very long time again.

i've stopped writing about you. but i haven't stopped singing the songs i wrote for you. the plans i made for us have yet to reach its deadline. i haven't the slightest idea if we shall meet again but if we actually do, i hope i stop being a coward around you. be it romantic or platonic.

i plead the heavens for your continuous safety from daggers the world may throw, rosalina. you were in my prayers when i went to that sacred place i told you about. and though you're not on my mind 24/7 anymore, i still continue to pray for you whenever i think of you.

you've always liked this kind of purple. and i always liked giving you roses. so i hope you accept this one day, when i finally find a way for you to see this.

49w ago.

i'm scared to enter your life again. maybe this is because you don't post about your stuff anymore but some time ago, i've noticed that things are quiet when i'm not around you. i'm scared that maybe, maybe i am the reason why bad things are happening to you. for some twisted and unknown reason, maybe i am the magnet of negativity in your life and me being there for you is pulling all this bad things toward you.

maybe i'm just being too hard on myself too.

but either way, i still don't know the answer. and evidently, it's not the right time to be in your life again.

i don't wish for you to break-up. especially since it looks like for the first time since you started dating people, you finally found someone who treats you like i do. and hell, i don't know, maybe better.

i still wish you well.

and i hope you still always keep in mind that you are loved.