Imposter

ch 11 : Regret

I closed the door of the bathroom with my shaking hands . My hands were shaking as if I was shivering from the cold . It was too cold and I can't - can't . There was no warmth nothing which could give me solace . Nothing!! There was nothing!!!!

I leaned against the door and slid down on the floor with my shivering body . My white shirt was painted red and smelled so foul - so so foul . Everything was going so slowly slowly as if time started going slowly to take joy in my miseries. But so does every one .

But my heart was booming in my chest . I wasn't able to take breath comfortably. It was hurting badly. I took a sharp breath but my breath got stuck I felt like the stone was sitting on my chest. I again tried to take breath but instead of going into my lungs it changed into hiccups.

Like a coward I was . Couldn't even contain my emotions. Stupid stupid emotions. Which are of no use . Nobody cares !!!

No one cares!!!!!!!!

They are useless!!!!!!!!!!!

Then why -why- why- why - why - why

I looked at my hands , my palms , my fingers which were shaking violently

I looked at the creases of my palms and fingers they were also stained red so so so red.

Looking at them made me so anxious. I did something so bad so so bad . I did that . It was all my fault - my fault.

Something triggered in my mind. Urging me , the sound was mild but could be heard.

I folded my fingers into a firm fist. then I started banging my fist furiously on the white tiled floor and kept banging until the urge mild down or give peace to my bloody heart . Then I kept my head also on the floor and laid semi half on the floor. But my hiccups and banging my fist didn't stop.

" I won't won't won't won't " I Kept chanting these words again and again in a low whisper , lowly whispering. The blood was seeping from my palm that was giving me relief . It felt like a rubbing ice cube on my burning chest.

I raised my throbbing head and wiped the sweat from my face making my wounded face a little more crimson than it already was .

" I won't" A whimper slips from my busted lips . My bloodied hand went in my hairs. Then tug them hard . I tugged them so hard that they could be torn from my head .

But there was nothing that could stop me.

Only one word was chanting in my head it was "I won't" . A loud scream left my mouth . Everything was unbearable it all should have stopped. I again tug my hair so hard that it could stretch the roots of and look upward.

I need something sharp so so sharp . I scrambled off my feet and searched the drawls . I couldn't find anything. I couldn't . There was nothing so sharp .why I don't get anything on time Or my mind wasn't working. This damn mind isn't working.

I banged my fist into my head .

I grab the sink tightly making my knuckles white and cried the pain of agony . My voice was rough and my throat wasn't helping me . It was sort of jam . After a while my mind again wandered around the bathroom. Again I started searching for something sharp .

Closing and opening several drawls . I found nothing.

And in the middle drawl I found a nail cutter. "Nail cutter" It will also do.

I put my hand in front of me . Bloodied red crimson hands . I steadied my shaking hands . put the sleeves up of my hands . My wrist was full of scars .

A flood of memories came into my mind .