Life is a chemical reaction

"Life is a chemical reaction",

said Grand Arbiter Albert, the Forty-third - and I have to add right here that they explained that they studied us thoroughly and developed a name to inspire respect and awe based on naming conventions that we gave to our leaders throughout history. Also, they had to specifically develop sounds we can actually hear as they have an entirely different concept of names and verbalization of words, they said. However, they didn't seem to have quite gotten there with their research, as personally, I found that name to be quite silly and phoned in, but who am I to judge, I am not a transcendental being from space. Maybe some transcendental intern had a bad day, his deity girlfriend broke up with him and he just wasn't in the right headspace for "figure out cool sounding name for human contact on Tuesday". Anyway, so Grandmaster Flash further declared:

"Just as any other chemical reaction, it never ends, it just transforms. Matter never just seizes to exist, even when it crumbles to tiny ashes and gets spread through the winds."

I noticed we are getting the dumbed down version. Our great, infinite potential, manifested in front of us, thinks we are stupid.

"And as any chemical reaction, it needs the right conditions. The right temperature, the right pressure, the right molecules to be present. And the better the conditions, the faster the chemical reaction. Life, as it turns out, is what your chemists call an exotherm reaction. From the perspective of the rest of the universe, it explodes. "

They now proceeded with a very complicated way of saying "actually, everything explodes.", it just seems to be relative. Some things just explode very, very slowly. He also basically said "actually actually there is no slowly", but that's where they kind of lost me. The only thing I perceive right now that literally nothing else is on TV.

"Furthermore, the conditions for this chemical reaction to occur are quite rare - your scientists might have gathered that much by now. "

Our human representative does a shy nod, like a sixth grader just got berated in front of class. We did a vote and decided on the President of Denmark of all places, plus a random assortment of scientists and celebrities. I am so sorry future generations who read about this in their history books, but he is not doing a very good job. We are actually embarrassing ourselves in front of the beings. If they asked me, I would have sent Snoop Dogg as front runner. So yeah anyway, we figured we were quite rare.

"So rare indeed, that in about 80% of all possible universes, within one of its cycles, the likelihood of this chemical reaction occurring, without outside intervention, is between 0 and 2. We decided to not tell you how many times that happened in your universe. In addition to that, the conditions on your planet were extraordinarily good. Your lifeform is developing faster than, again, 80% of the times this reaction occurs in different contexts. And the effect is exponential due to the exotherm nature of the reaction. You don't just outrun your peers, you sprint away from them." - I think they are being deliberately vague with the numbers by the way, but I like that we are cool. - "That's why you aren't finding any other lifeforms on far out planets. It is incredibly unlikely that other lifeforms in your universe, if they exist, can send out enough energy into space to be measurable by your instruments. Also, your technology can't observe the particles that other universes consist of yet. The higgs boson was one of them, specifically engineered to be detectable by you. It was one of our probes."

I think they keep the actually interesting information from us to not freak us out. Like restrainedly petting a goat at the zoo. Also, they referred to us as every species batched together, as one lifeform, which was interesting. They are probably disappointed that we didn't send the dolphins.

"The organ of your lifeform that you call homo sapiens, or humans - similar organs rarely are found in lifeforms of other universes - has developed a nervous system that optimizes for what you call curiosity. And it is ever accelerating. However, we want to emphasize that the other organs of your lifeform are similarly developed, some are even much more developed than you are, due the their much higher cycling rates. They just optimized for exponential reproduction instead, or otherwise found a niche in being extremely specified to their immediate environments. And - since the exponential growth of humans - existing together with you. If the human organ of this lifeform doesn't perish beforehand, you will develop a more symbiotic relationship with the other organs of your lifeform, as you will discover many beneficial synergies that you will identify as outvaluing short term destructive exploitation."