What am I now? What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charlotte just got home from her singing lesson and she's exhausted. Her mental health issues and autism causes her to mask most of the time, leaving her drained when she comes home.
Charlotte got diagnosed with autism when she was 10. She would probably never have gotten diagnosed if her best friends mom didn't notice the signs. Oh yeah, her best friend, Lex, is also autistic.
Speaking of Lex, it's time for their daily call.
They used to see each other every day in school but Charlotte recently moved an hour away so now they call or FaceTime once a day at 17:00 (5:00pm) exactly, if they haven't said anything else. Since both of them hate when things don't have a set time they make sure to always call at exactly 17:00 (5:00pm).
"Hi C!" Lex beams as Charlotte answers the call.
"Hey" Charlotte answers pretty tiredly. She dosen't have to mask around Lex.
"What's up? Bad day?"
"Yeah, dads been pretty shity lately and I have to mask in the new school so it been hard" Charlotte answers truthfully, she hates how much she has to hide and mask and knows Lex will understand.
"He hasn't done anything to bad, right?" Lex is hyper empathetic and always makes sure others are okay.
"No, just the usual. Everything has to be his way you know" Charlotte sighs.
"Mm, okay. But you have to promise to call or text if anything happens. Me and mom will pick you up. Our house is always open for you" She reminds Charlotte that she's safe with her and her mom.
"I know, thanks."
"Hey how's singing? I saw your YouTube channel has been taking of recently." Lex asks as she sensed that they needed to switch the subject.
"It's been grate, Kay has been helping me a lot" Kay is Charlottes music teacher, shes been working with Charlotte since she was able to speak.
"That's amazing, any new songs that you've been trying to put together?" Lex always wants to hear the songs Charlotte writes. She's her biggest supporter.
"Yeah... I just can't figure out the last lyrics." Charlotte sighs.
"Maybe I could help, let's hear it!" Lex insists.
"Yeah sure, let me just go to my keyboard" As Charlotte grabs her phone and gets her keyboard ready Lex waits in anticipation.
"Masking all the time, I'm never me
Always giving 100, Perfection is all it takes" Charlotte begins while plying a melody and supporting chords on her keyboard.
"Walking through school, Faking my confidence
Not feeling like me, I'm a ghost
A mask with many names
A smile outwards, A mess inwards
I can't let them know" She continues.
"A bundle of joy, A ray of sunshine
My names through out life
A energetic soul, A helpful person
No one would ever know
I'd never let the mask slip."
"I'm a professional perfectionist, And a professional wreck
Laten nights with tears, Long days with smiles.
Shining my sun, And hiding the dark
I'm a shipwreck on the bottom of the sea
No one will ever find" Charlotte hesitates for a moment, she hasn't written more than this but goes with the moment and improvises.
"Masking all the time, I'm never me
Always giving 100, Perfection is all it takes
I'm drowning in a sea full of dark.
My only friend, the pain I know
When will it end?"
"Walking through school, Faking my confidence
Not feeling like me, I'm a ghost no one will ever see
But isn't that what I want?"
"I'm never me, but I want to be
I wish people wouldn't be so mean
I'm not that different, can't you see?
I'm just like you, at least when Im fake
When will it all end?" She ends the song with a beautiful piano outro, letting the notes flow through her.
"That was amazing C!" Lex is really impressed by Charlotte, she always have been.
"Yeah, thanks it's not that good. I just improvised the second half" She explains.
"You improvised that?!" Charlotte nods carefully.
"You're right, you're not just good or amazing. You're the most talented girl I've ever seen!" Lex supports Charlotte.
"Thanks, hey how's theater go-" She gets cut of buy a scream form her dad.
"Hey sorry I have to go, I love you bye!" Charlotte rushes to turn of the call before her dad enters her room.
"Charlotte Aira Angelica Spring!" Oh shit, he's mad.
"A B?! In English! I thought i said only A's if you wanted to continue singing. Schools the only important thing! Signing's just a stupid distraction!" He half screams.
"I- I know, I- I'm s-sorry. It's just, you know I struggle with spelling and writing" Charlotte has also been diagnosed with dyslexia, after her teachers noticed her writing and spelling was below average they told her dad she needed to be tested.
"Yeah yeah" Charlotte's dad says mockingly.
"I never see your struggle when you write your stupid songs" Not true, she struggles a lot while writing, not just in school. But she has her ways of getting around it, half the kids in her class dosen't even pass English and she gets mostly A's even with her dyslexia.
"But I do s-struggle" She protestes.
"One more B and I'll take away your singing lessons and all your instruments!" He walks out, whispering something, intending for Charlotte to hear but not wanting to say it out loud.
As he closes her door she brakes down, she really dosen't want to lose her music, it's what's keeping her up float, what keeps her from falling completely. But she doesn't know how much longer she can keep up her grades in school, it's really hard.
Her thoughts start to spiral, it's been happening a lot lately. She's falling again.
YOU ARE READING
Meant for something more...
Fanfiction15 year old Charlotte struggles a lot with her mental health and home life but no one really know except her best friend Lex. They've been best friends since 4th grade. One day she gets the opportunity of a life time. To open for on of the worlds bi...
