Love, Blood, From the Wilderness | YELLOWJACKETS

4

    My car was practically all packed up. I did a head count on everything, checking my list twice as if I were Santa Claus himself. The last few days had been extremely stressful, with Jack at school and trying to work whilst packing and messaging back and forth with Tai.

    I still wasn't exactly sure what her plan was in terms of figuring out who sent the cards, but I trusted her blindly, needing to grasp onto the hope that she would be able to find who did this.

    We said goodbye to Julia today. I told her we were going to visit my parents for a few weeks and she understood and wished us well. Jack was especially sad.

    As I made sure that everything was in order and that we had everything we needed to go, I realized that Jack hadn't even come out of his room yet.

God, this was the part of parenting that sucked. Having to reassure your child when you weren't even sure what was going to happen yourself.

    I made my way upstairs and peaked into Jack's room. He sat on his bed curled up, hugging his knees, his brows furrowed.

    "Hey buddy," I came in and sat on the bed next to him, "What's going on?"

    "I don't want to leave," he pouted.

    "You don't want to see your grandparents?" I asked.

    "No, but... We never go anywhere and you're packing for a long time...," he fidgeted with his fingers.

    "I know buddy, but... We have to take care of your grandparents for a while," I lied, "and they really miss you."

    "But... I'm gonna miss school and my friends and Julia's not even coming with us," he whined.

    "I'll tell you what," I told him, "We'll find you an after school program to go to in New Jersey okay? And I'll play xbox with you whenever you want, I'll never even complain about being player two."

    He just shrugged. I wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tight.

    "Listen," I said, "I know it's scary and... And it's hard leaving the people you know and love behind, but this is only for a little bit, Jacky, don't forget that."

"But we never leave here," he whispered.

"I know, but sometimes... Sometimes change is good and we have to step outside of our comfort zones, right?"

God, I was such a fucking hypocrite.

I heard a horn blare outside and assumed that it was Diane here to say goodbye.

"C'mon, bud, let's get your stuff and go to the car. Maybe we can even pick up some pizza for the road, yeah?"

I ruffled his hair and his lips curled into a small smile. I would take the small wins, I thought.

Jack followed me downstairs, wrapped my knit, cream coloured cardigan around my myself tightly, like armour.

I was so obsessed with all shades white ever since college. Creams, ivories, pearls, chiffons, it was all my house, office and wardrobe was made up of. The lack of colour represented cleanliness. I couldn't wash the stain that the Wilderness rubbed on me, so I tried to surround myself with order. White was also the colour of peace and tranquility, things that my past and my brain were deprived of. I thought that maybe if I could surround myself in purity and sanitation, that I would be able to erase the pollution that I was made up of.

I grabbed the keys to the house and to the car on the counter and took one last look at my final moments of peace. I exhaled loudly and Jack hugged my waist, because it was all he could reach.