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𝚂𝙼𝙰𝙲𝙺. the sound of my hand against his face echoed through the hallway, as i was filled with something further than anger; resentment.
"khyia, what the fuck bro" he said grabbing his face that showcased a look of perplexity.
"jaysic, you show me everytime why it isnt you. why you aren't good for me, i try to ignore it each time. i can't keep holding onto history, i can't keep hoping you'll one day do good by me. the constant state of nodus tollens because i believe one day you'll maybe be for me and all the hurt will make sense."
"khy, i try i swear i do. but im going to let you go, if thats how you feel i can't change that. ill never intentionally hurt you khy i swear, im just broken"
youll never intentionally hurt me? after the 1st time it stopped being a "mistake".
"you're so broken that you broke me too, bye jaysic."
"khy come on just forgive me" he pleaded.
"bye jaysic" i said closing the door in his face as the slightest tear fell down my face. no more tears left to cry. i was numb, a fuck to give was not apparent.
i sat down on my couch and grabbed my phone from beside me to call my best friend back. the phone rang 3 times before she picked up.
"hey khykhy, ok so i was thinking- wait are you ok?" she stopped herself midway through her sentence at the sight of my red eyes.
"hey mymy, im ok. im content, i broke it off with jaysic. these are more so tears of joy." i responded quickly laughing, and rubbing my eyes.
tears of joy was a stretch entirely, but ive never been one to spill my true feelings to others. not even my best friend of 15 years.
"well you're free, free to do as you please now. im here for you, ik you like to lie about how you feel. im always open ears khy, okay? you never have to keep anything from me."
"ik my, i love you. ill call you back later."
"i love you more, see you later."
beep.
This large apartment that I used to share with the person I believed to be the love of my life felt practically empty now that I was by myself. Still, it was satisfying. I yelled as I stood up and looked around the home.letting all the emotions out.
i connected my phone to my surround sound speakers and blasted SOS by SZA.
"i talk bullshit a lot, no more fuck shit im done. damn right, im the one. damn right, im the one!"
i sung at the top of my lungs letting my feelings override as tears flooded my eyes, no not the sad kind. im up! im real up now. fuck a nigga!
my pug, ryah; ran to me and started scratching my legs with her little paws. i crouched down and picked her up. "where have you been ry" i said petting her.
placing her down and she bolted to my bedroom and i trailed after her. i opened the bathroom door, my eyes connected to the men self care items on the opposite side of the sink. i walked back to the kitchen, grabbed the black garbage bags and stuffed every last thing out the bathroom and threw it away. while smiling. to the left, to the left; or whatever beyonce said. then i went to my room, and threw away every trace of him, i wanted his existence eliminated from my brain and it felt good.
clothes, shoes, underwear shit even jewelry. i dont give a fuck! i need it all out.
jaysic and i were high school sweethearts, when we got to college jaysic began to change. as most people do when they age, i just didnt think he would. he turned from lover boy to a straight up player. he was a chronic cheater, once even bringing a bitch in my crib.
today i found out he went on a trip with a girl, which he told me was a "work trip". the girl texted me and said "hey girl, my name is leeci. i stumbled across your page in my boyfriend's following. @jays!c, then i saw a picture you posted of him. he just flew in yesterday and i saw a message from you, i hope this isnt weird but how do you know each other?"
i knew this time that this would be it. my heart is tired.
when he walked into the apartment, i heard the suitcase rolling. so i walked out my room, and stood in front of the hallway, blocking his entry to the house in order to confront him.
As soon as I finished throwing the things in the bags and got up, my mother called.
"hey khy baby, are you ok? jaysic keeps calling me over and over saying you blocked him?"
"yea im fine ma, we just broke up. he cheated again! before you ask im fine, i dont care"
you ever just dont wanna bother anyone with your feelings? so you decide to keep it in; talk to yourself.
"well its ok not to be ok, ik you're my stubborn girl forever though. let me block him too, dumb ass bout to break my damn phone. shit" she said tapping away on her phone. i laughed at her and all that cussing, like a bad ass lil kid.
"you know yo daddy a fuck stupid bitch or jaysic or whatever his name is up! one call baby"
"ik momma, chill. im ok!" i pleaded to her in laughter.
"okay i wont hold you any longer, i know you probably got a facial or sum shit to do. mommy loves you the most! goodnight baby please get some rest!"she said waving into the camera with a big smile causing me to do nothing but smile back.
"its almost 11 something, no one is getting a facial right now ma. i love you too, night & i will."
im my fathers first born child, and my mothers only child. she had me when she was 16, so we grew up together. she's my first best friend. my dad was in and out of jail until a couple years ago, our bond now stronger than ever.
when i hung up the phone i grabbed the full black garbage bags and placed them outside the door, for someone to hopefully steal. then i laid down in the king size bed alone, wrapping my hands around my body pillow tight. then went to sleep expeditiously.
oh how things can change so fast. i'm done crying, girls don't cry.
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