Why Didn't I See The Signs

Chapter 1

I've sat here for hours contemplating living. 

I've opened my eyes multiple times throughout the day and then forced myself to sleep to drown the thoughts. I go back to sleep. And, finally after sleeping for so long I'm restless and then I'm staring at the walls.

 I look at my phone and see that it's 2:38 and think of him.

 I wonder if he's happier now that he's not here. 

And, now I'm crying or more specially weeping into my pillow because I don't want my mother to hear me. 

I've been forced to sleep on our couch in the living room as I'm no longer trusted to be alone in my room. My mother says it's because she doesn't like that I'm constantly in there in the darkness alone, but I know it's because she's worried. 

So, now I've been forced to spend my nights on the couch where she can discreetly check up on me and I'm assuming make sure I'm alive. But, no matter where I am it wont change the past and for that reason I'm sitting here wiping tears off my face looking at the one picture I've allowed myself to keep. 

Looking at your beautiful features and smile is still the only thing that can make me smile. 

I miss you so much. I miss you so much that it's hard to breathe at times. It's hard to eat. It's hard to shower. 

It's the simple things in life that are so hard to do when the thought of you crosses my mind. How can I possibly sleep when I only ever dream about you. And, then if I don't sleep the nightmares are even worse because you're never there. 

You're never there to save me. What am I supposed to do now that you're not here and I'm afraid of being alone. You know that I hate being alone and yet you're gone. Why did you have to come into my life and make it so amazing and great and then leave me. 

I miss you so much Rowen. 

I miss you so much that it feels as if someone is choking me, the feeling of my throat closing, and it being harder to take a full breath. And, now the panic is setting in and the tears are streaming down my face at the thought of your smile. 

The smile that changed my being, the smile that ignited something so deep in me that now all I can hear is the pounding in my ears and the tightness in my arms and legs. 

Then the thoughts are interrupted. As I see my mother's figure come across the room as she shuts her bedroom door and then silently she hugs me.

And, then I'm crying even more as she clutches me in her arms. "It's okay baby, just cry it out, you're alright", as she gently pats my head and then I'm reminded of you stroking my head, and telling me it's alright.

I'm reminded once again of your gentle and loving nature. I'm reminded that I've lost my best-friend, the only person who's grasped my soul. 

And, if I thought I was crying badly before it's so much worse now. So bad that I feel nauseous and exhausted. I can't tell how much time has gone by, but it's been enough that my eyes can't produce tears and it's hard to even shut them. And then I tell the woman who's birthed me the words no mother wants to hear.

"Mom.. I don't want to live anymore, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm saying this to you, but I'm in so much pain, so much pain and I don't know what to do because it won't ever leave. You know this, you know I've been in so much pain and I've been struggling for so long. And now that Rowen's gone, I can't do it" and in that moment we stared at each other and then I saw the tears form in her beautiful aged face.

And then she wept.

As soon as her silent tears fell I couldn't look at her. And, now I'm crying for a multitude of reasons.

I'm crying now because I've failed in every aspect of life. I've failed to be a good daughter, failed at being normal and not this shell of a person, failed at holding on to you. I failed in every regard and now my emptiness is being given to my only family. I've failed in so many regards, and I've reached a point of being so sad that now I wonder if she misses how I was then.

How different times were then and how happy I was.