The boys stories

Eddie angst (sh & od warning)

(One shot AU)

"Awe shit!" I looked at my phone after my alarm went off. I was still exhausted but I had to get up. It was my time to go, I told myself it was but I never thought I would really do it until the boys kicked me out. They had replaced me with smashing after a night where I got in a huge fight with Josh. I apologized but he didn't forgive me. The other boys didn't really know what to do so they just went along with Josh.

I couldn't stand life without them. I just- I just couldn't handle it. I didn't know what to do and I didn't have the motivation to make anything for my channels. Nothing sounded interesting to me. Nothing did.

I felt like absolute shit. I couldn't eat without throwing up or forcing myself to throw up. I was extremely weak and I didn't have any energy. I was basically just existing without a purpose, and I didn't really care. I wasn't helping myself by trying to get though the suffering but I did anything, just like I always do. I did a few things that made me feel better. Self harm and getting high were the only things that made me feel better. They basically saved me besides sleeping which I wasn't really able to do anymore because i'd drown it my thoughts if things got too quiet.

I hated this. I didn't feel myself because I wasn't. I was someone I thought i'd never see again, just this time he was different. This Eddie had been around before just a younger and not as ill as I am now. He hated how that him was and I hate myself as I am now. I didn't want to be like this but everything that was going on made me like this. And all I tried to help it, I just made it worse. Like I always do. It was a habit I carried ever since I was a little kid. Trying to fix something but just ending up making it worse. but this time because this Eddie was back I couldn't handle it. So I was going to get rid of him. Once and for all and get rid of me so he couldn't come back.

I knew what I was about to do was a good thing and a bad thing but I didn't really give one singular fuck in the world. So I went into my bathroom, grabbed some shity anti-depressants I had bought a long time ago and a razor blade I had broken off a razor. I sat on the bathroom floor and continue to think about what I was going to do. I agreed that this was a good idea. I sat with my back agents the bathtub, I picked up the razor blade after pulling back my sweatshirt sleeve. I slowly pulled on the razor watching the blood drip from my arm. I looked at the floor that had a small amount of blood, I told myself there needed to be more. I continued to do this until I felt lightheaded and nauseous. Once I did I grabbed the pill bottle that had the antidepressants in it. I swallowed them down with some of the sink water I had put into a small cup before cutting myself.

I was dying. I felt free. Then the pain started to kick in.

"Oh God please no!" The pain got worse and I didn't know why. "I just want to die!" I wanted the pain to stop. "LET ME GO ALREADY!" it was taking me over. "IM SORRY!" I wanted to die more then I even did after feeling this pain. It wasn't from the cuts. It was from my guilt.

I died with guit, and no one would even know.