Luka & Izzy

Eleven: Why are we so afraid of trying to start over?

When we break the kiss, I look at him, just look.

So beautiful, so perfect, such a handsome man.

Unlike Noah.

In truth, I'll never be ready to change.

Maybe I could hide our relationship for a while. At least until I find out what and how.

"Luke, how about hiding what we have for a while, at least long enough for things to settle down, especially with the court and Beth. I promise I'll talk to her and Katy. I suggest thoughtfully to Luke.

Is this really it? Is this what I want? To hide? What am I, five years old? I thought that once you're of age, you don't need to hide anymore, but how wrong I was.

Life teaches me something new every day.

" Well hurry up, I don't want to hide for long, I want to show the world that you are mine, if you don't tell I will, one way or another they will both find out. " Luka answers and kisses me playfully on the lips.

How does it feel to have someone who cares about you?

Who has all the time in the world for you?

Who gives you all the attention you want? Who loves you unconditionally?

That's what it's like.

Luka is.

But... somewhere inside me, a little part of me wishes it was Noah.

Will I always feel like this?

Is it even fair to Luka?

To think of Noah when I'm with him?

I don't think that will ever change.

It is hope that dies last, and it is dreams that we keep wishing for.

"Yes, I promise. "But in my heart, I am squeezed because I am not ready.

For all this.

I feel like I'm on the open sea and I'm splashing and splashing and suddenly a huge wave comes crashing over me, sweeping away everything I know and changing everything I know and have known.

And I was there when Paris happened.

The word Paris is like a stinging word that still hurts.

I think that with time the wounds do not get smaller, the pain does not get less, we just get used to it.

I feel like I'm lying to Luke and it's not upsetting, I'm lying to say I'm going to tell, I've lied about never having fallen in love.

I remembered the day I came to the hospital, after Noah, that I had fallen together, that they still had work to do with me.

The news was too big.

It is one thing when someone tells you that someone is gone, but it is another thing when you see it, when you really see what has happened.

When you're there in that moment, for weeks after his death, that scene kept turning for me, and I didn't dare close my eyes because I knew that if I did, I'd see him.

Cold.

Between the white sheets.

His blue eyes closed; they stopped shining.

"What's wrong, Izzy? "Luka says, shaking my shoulder a little.

I was lost, lost again in my own thoughts, in painful memories.

"Nothing. "I say in truth, I am numb to everything.

To all the pain I have experienced.

And at the same time, I'm beating myself up for getting involved with Luke, for letting myself go through all this.