To Live or Not To Live: That is the Question. (GxG)

Chapter 1

04:37AM, thats the time, I stay awake wondering what Id do with my life after today. Today on the 7th of June is the last day of high school, everyones excited but not me, I finally had friends, I finally had a friend group, and was not someone who was just everyones friend but at the same time no ones.

Were allowed to go home early once were done with whatever paper we have, which I do, most people stay though, to savour the last moments to be shared with one another and when its time to go they all walk together, I of course want to stay too, after all six years of learning, sharing memories, fighting, causing drama, with the same set of people and having to leave almost so abruptly hurts in some way.

But I cant stay, I still feel like I dont fit in some how, a floater friend, thats what I am, when their real friends get picked up by their parents, Im the one they come to, so even now which are our last moments we spend together they all seem to have some sort of connection which i seem to lack, so I go home.

Today after the last exam they all plan to sign out on each others shirt and cry and bring their phones and record funny moments together also walk home together one last time, this de-realization I dont like it, six years gone by just like that, I remember 7th grade when I first got to school, I can never forget I resumed on Wednesday, the second week of resumption, my pinafore was long as ever, some referred to it as a jalamia.

The first friend I made was Patricia, she helped me with a lot of my notes I missed for the first week of school, even looking back then I realize that Ive somehow always been left out, the friend groups have always been there since then, because I remember wanting to sit on a particular seat, this seat was on the first row, the closest row to the door the third seat on that line, and everyone shouted telling me not to sit there that it was for Kareemat, Kareemat has always been popular then, so has every other popular person and Ive always just fit in everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Oh how I hated school, i would always wish for the six years to go buy as fast as possible, now it has and I dont know what to do with it, Im not sure sure what to do at all with my life, I dont think I even want to go to University, I tell everyone I want to study law, but thats just because of the money that comes with studying the course, in reality I dont want to do anything, nothing at all. I might just be depressed.

I just want to sleep, eat, be on my phone scrolling through tiktok watching people have the life I wish I had, but yet do nothing to have such life, I really just want to rot away in my bed, checking the lives of my friends from their stories, watching them hang out with their friends. Friends I wish I had those, in fact thats the major reason Im scared of life after secondary school, I have no friends outside school, no real friends, maybe few virtual friends, but those really arent the same as actual friends

So because of all these reasons I go home, not like home is any better, at home my mom has mood swings towards me today she hates me tomorrow she loves me I don't know which is real, I think they both are, on my home I wonder which mom Ill meet when I get home, at times i might meet the one that loves me then later in the night the other one that hates me shows up.

In cases like this I should be able to turn to my dad, but then Im not even close to my dad at all, then theres my brother at times hes a very good brother he always has stories to tell, then other times he would say really mean things and even make me feel insecure a lot of times, he also has no respect towards me whatsoever, at times he even attempts to raise his hands at me.

Then theres my younger sister, just like me brother she always has stories to tell but at times she would randomly get annoying or she might want to be other people, shes close to everyone in the whole wide world and its easy for her to make friends same as my brother, unlike me, who cant even stop a bus if theres more than 5 people in it and musters up courage to return spoilt snacks I buy. I also have elder half sibling but were not all that close, and I only recently just made friends with the third one.

I hope my life doesn't stay like this. In fact at this moment I have decided, I don't think I'm going to college, I already have a degree after all as my parents forced me in the 11th grade to study an online course of programming, because my cousin was doing it and my aunt wouldn't shut up on how useful the course was going to be for her so in the future, I'll just have to hope I can get a job with this.