Citizen Erased

Part one (its a one shot)

"Hey Foster!" Keefe shouted, running over to Sophie from down the hall of their high school.

"What?" Sophie questioned once Keefe was walking beside her.

"I was talking to Fitz and Biana earlier and we thought it would be fun if we all went over to the laser tag place after school. Just you, me, Fitz, Biana, Dex, Tam, Linh, and possibly Marella," Keefe responded, giddy. He slipped his hand into Sophie's. She could still hardly believe that they were actually dating.

"That would be cool! Just one thing... I've never played laser tag before," Sophie said softly.

"Wait. You've never played laser tag? C'mon, Foster. Really?"

"Well... yeah. Remember, I was in the foster care system for most of my life. I never had a family or friends to do that kind of stuff with."

Keefe looked down, adverting his gaze. "Oh. Right. Sorry. Hey, but now you have a family and friends to do awesome stuff with. And we'll teach you the rules. It's pretty simple and really fun."

"Well, I'm excited to finally have a chance to shoot lasers at my friends," Sophie joked. Keefe looked up and grinned at her, a genuine, loving smile that made Sophie have to smile back.

The first bell rang, and they were off to class.

___________________________________________

The Hunt
~~~
Trucks were his favorite thang. Every Sunday, before the week began, he would drive his customized red truck out to the woods and meet up with his long time friend Dick. Pulling up to the gravel parking lot in front of the forest he spotted Dick, who was waving excitedly at James's truck.
"James RuPaul! My papi chulo! How I've missed you~" He cried flamboyantly. "How is your cazzo lungo?"
James sighed and said "You know I don't know italian Dickie boy."
"Ti succhierei come una birra fresca." Dick said, licking his lips. "I'm just hungry."
"Well you can have all the meat once we are done hunting."
"Oooh I will~" Said Dick. "Anyways, I brought a friend with me. He is quite the hunter, in fact that is his name."
Dick gestured behind im and out stepped Hunter. Hunter was quite majestic, his short 2016 Justin Bieber hair rustled in the wind.
"Are you wearing a fucking cardigan to hunt?" Asked James.
"It matters not what I wear, but what I serve."
James chuckled and said "I'll have to see it to believe it" he smirked. 😏
Hunter smiled and clapped James on the back in a manly hetero way. "You're on!"
As the three entered the woods and walked to the deer stand James suddenly turned around and said "Alright alpha males, let the hunt begin."
The two men behind him laughed and said "Sure. Let's have a mandate"
"A mandate is not what it sounds like, two men are not going on a date , Although that sounds fun." James said. What a smart guy.
"I prefer a Man Date. The true definition is a man forcing someone on a date. Like a real alpha male." Hunter said, wrapping his cardigan around himself as a breeze ruffled his hair. He still smelled faintly of a pumpkin spice latte from starbucks.
The Three alphas walk farther into the woods. Setting up their deer hunting stuff. So manly and hetero. Suddenly out of nowhere a body tumbled into view in front of them.
"Geoff Dandy?" Exclaimed Dick. "Humpty Dumpty? Did you fall off the wall?"
"I heard you were taking some friends to hunt, and I decided to join in."
"Fuck off Phat Heisenberg. I know about you and your need to call all little girls 'little bear' . It's very disturbing."
Geoff looks down "But can I still hunt with you?"
James looks down at him. "Fine but you have to scout in front of us."
"Gladley, I scout for new prey all the time."
Geoff runs in front of the gaggle of guys, ecstatic that he could join. Geoff was so happy that he waddled at a much faster pace than anyone had ever seen before.
Hunter and James watched as Geoff galloped across the forest floor, scaring all the prey away.
"So James... How long have you been hunting?" Hunter asked.
"Since 2012. I usually hunt with my three hunting bulldogs."
Hunter let out a laugh. "I've been hunting since 2015. What are your dog's names?"
James grinned, as he always loved to talk about his dogs. "Their names are Axel, Maverick, and Maximus." Hunter nodded.
"What manly names. They must have been chosen at the Healthy Masculinity Convention."
James watches as Phat Heisenburg trips over a log before responding. "Yes they were. I felt that they needed some divine masculine energy."
Hunter said "I see. One of the people at the convention was the announcer, her name was Lakeday. She had a pug or something that she named an old man's name."
"It was Harold or something." James responded.
"Hey you two~ I think Geoffy found something!"
The two men turned around to see Dick in his flamboyant and hip swishing glory.
The two head over to a pile of leaves that Geoff and Dick were standing over. In that pile of leaves was a man. He was groaning in pain and holding his back.
"Obama was a handsome zaddy." The man said. He was a strange man. He stood up and with him was a walker. The walker was a camo walker.
"Hey guy, I heard there was a fruity hunt today."
James frowned and said "No only Hetero Alpha Males can hunt with us. Except you old Dickie boy, you can hunt with us"
Suddenly a horse came out of nowhere and was chasing Geoff. Geoff ran over Dick, breaking all his flamboyant bones. No more hip swishing, and no more feminine frollicking.
"AUGHHHUHUHUHUHHAHGUHAUGAUHUAG!" Cried Dick.
"Oh no. Not Dick's flamboyant hips." Said Hunter, a cardigan still wrapped tightly around his frame.
Dick smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, my hips are resilient. I'll be a backup dancer for Shakira in no time."
James sighed and said "Ugh you know im sexy. Don't call, just text me. Bitches slow, can't get on my speed. They stare because they know I'm the I-T-G-I-R-L. They know I am that girl."
Hunter stares at James before saying "Oh my Venti! You are so wise."
Hunter and James step over Geoff's fallen body and go over to help Dick. The two of them carry Dick's mangled body back to Jame's red truck. As they load poor Dick's broken body into the trunk of James's car Hunter is startled by something.
"James... Why is there a grandfather sofa in the back of your truck?"
James turns his neck to face Hunter, he uses his terrifying large hands to push Dick further into his truck.
"You know, one of the reasons I crane my neck so far forward is because I am quite tall in stature, leading me to have to look down at all the people I talk to."
"I heard from one of your past AP World Mechanics students that you glide across the stage at presentations. Tall, sad, and silent. A true ninja."
James sorts and laughs "Neh Heh Heh." He finishes putting Dick into his trunk and says "Anyway I have two woodworker friends of mine. They are like the elves of santa. If Santa was a lumberjack. I was going to give the sofa to them."
"Well I think Dick's hips can wait a bit. Why don't you introduce me to your elves?"
"That sounds Lovely. Just follow my truck."
The two cardigan crusaders pull up to the Lumberjack basecamp. In the distance they see two short men. Maybe boys. Hunter didn't know.
"Westopolis! It hasn't been the same without you. It's been better." James said, walking towards a short, grey haired, manboy.
Westopolis replies with a "You think your the shit because your tall James RuPaul, but despite my small frame, I will fucking Patrick Suayze your ass." (referring to this strangely gay fight scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNxoVXIEHVY)
The Two men(?) stare at one another for a bit before throwing their heads back in laughter.
"Oh boy it's been so long since Speigenheimer and I have seen you." Westopolis says, patting James on the back.
Speigenheimer walks over to the three men, giving a small glance at Hunter before turning to James and Westopolis.
"Who's Mr. Wish.com Justin Beiber?" Speigenheimer asks.
"Oh fuck off man, you look like a dildo dipped in beard trimmings." Hunter retorted.
Speigenheimer chuckled 🤭 "You know you don't mean that. Do you recall last New Years Eve when you smothered me in Vaseline? You seemed to think I was quite a specimen then."
Hunter Deere laughs. "Don't be silly Speigy. That was before your neck compression incident. That horrible accident not only made you a turtle, but gave you the most horrible IBS known to man."
"Wait, are you a...homosexual?" James RuPaul asks, looking shocked to his very core.
"Oh no no," Hunter says. "I am a man of Venti and will give myself to no other man."
"I've never been very religious," James Rupaul replies, seemingly forgetting about the dying Dick in his car. He appears captivated by Hunter's aura.
"You should come to church with me sometime," Hunter says. "We're very open to newcomers. Let me tell you, you don't know what it is to truly be until you've eaten the body of a man."
"A man?!" James Rupaul exclaims, appalled at the idea.
"Jesus," Hunter clarifies.
"Oh, yes of course, I look forward to it," James says.
"Next Sunday," Hunter says. "It's a date. A mandate." He gives James a playful wink and James cranes his parallel-to-the-floor neck away so Hunter does not see the inexplicable hetero blushing.
"Guys, you know Dick is still dying in the truck, right?" Speigenheimer says. His words seem to pull both men out of their heterosexual thoughts.
"Oh right," Hunter says, turning towards James's truck. "Let's go to the hospital now."
"Wait!" James says, grabbing Hunter's arm just as he was about to head to his car. Hunter looked back, wistful eyes wide with surprise.
"Wait. Do you want to bring Dick to the hospital with me? If you have time, that is." James gave an awkward laugh, "If you have time that is."
Hunter let out an airy laugh. Smiling, he responded, "Of course! That sounds lovely."
~
"So how long have you been going to church Hunter?" James asked, as the two made their way up the steps of an old church.
"Since the priest took me to church alone, he has a special place in his heart for me."
"Bro, I think you might have been molested. But it's ok because samesies."
Hunter threw up his hands dainty, as if he were a backup dancer for Louis Armstrong.
"OMG trauma twins!" He exclaims.
"Yasss!" James cries.
"This explains so much about you! Is this why you are always scouting for little boys?" Hunter asks.
"You know it!" James says, grinning proudly. "Always continuing the cycle."
"Finally someone who truly understands me," Hunter says. "Homosexual intercourse is always ok with the church if it's non-consensual."
"The more I hear about church the more I like it," James says. The two heteros walk through the benches. They are early so there are only a few people present, silently praying before the mass starts.
James RuPaul marches up to the altar, and Hunter Deere follows, curious as to what he is about to do. James stops in front of the priest, who looks up at him from a book.
"If you would, good sir, point me in the direction of your finest altar boy." James RuPaul says, with an eager grin on his face.
"I'm sorry," the priest says. "Our altar boy service is only offered once a month. The next will be in two weeks. It keeps the police off our trail."
"The what?" Hunter asks, in surprise. He had no idea the police would act on such a thing. However, James continues talking with the priest, taking no notice of Hunter.
"Ah yes, I see," James says. He was a reasonable and patient man, after all.
"I'll put your name down on the list, Mr..." the priest starts.
"RuPaul," James finishes.
"RuPaul?" The priest cries in surprise, then lowers his voice. "If you don't mind me saying sir, that is a very homosexual name."
James takes a step back, utterly shocked at the priest's words.
"I don't normally tell people this," James says quietly. "But...I lost my father to homosexuality."
"Oh my," Hunter says.
"I'm so sorry," the priest says.
"I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it," James says. "But it is a bit of a sore spot."
"Of course," the priest says, putting a hand to his heart.
"You know, these days some people even say it's...genetic," James says, bowing his head even lower than usual in shame.
"Me oh my, may I say what a hunch you have Mr. RuPaul," the priest says.
"Oh, well after watching the Hunchback of Notre Dame as a child I was immediately fascinated by the Frollo/Quasimodo relationship, and thought I should use it as inspiration to groom my victims."
"Oh so you're both Frollo and Quasimodo then?" Hunter asks, intrigued.
"Yes sir," James says. "I am a man of many talents."
The priest looks up at James's beady eyes and says, "Mr. RuPaul...has anyone ever told you you greatly resemble a polar bear? It's something in the shoulders I think."
"Or perhaps those large hands that greatly resemble paws," Hunter Deere adds.
James was offended by this statement at first, but after Hunter Deere agreed, he figured it must be a compliment. He blushed.
"Oh, well I never thought of myself as one. Perhaps I should do some soul searching."
"Soul searching is for women and the gays, just go to hetero camp. I have another priest friend there, he is quite short in stature, and has a side gig as a lumberjack child." the priest says.
"That sounds educational," James says. "Perhaps I will give it a try."
For some reason, James was extremely excited at the thought of going to a camp surrounded by men questioning their sexualities.
"Maybe I'll go, it can never hurt." Hunter says. This excited James even more.
"Oh would you look at that? Mass is about to start," The priest says. "It was lovely meeting you Mr. RuPaul. Please take a seat now."
The two heteros walk to a bench, close to the altar where the little altar boys were in full sight. As the service continued, and the priest continued talking for what felt like hours, the two men whispered amongst themselves, planning for the altar boy service in two weeks.
"You said that that one's name is Jerome?" James asks Hunter.
"Yes," Hunter replies.
"I like him the best. Very petite and submissive looking. Could fit directly into my man paws."
"Must be the wistful look in his eyes." Hunter muses, hand stroking his beard in thought. "I personally like Felix, the muscly one. I prefer my little boys to have a bit of meat on their bones, Much like you James RuPaul. You look like that Felix all grown up and hunched."
"Hmmm. That Derick boy looks absolutely scrumptious. Look at his fearful face, looking right at us."
"The boys might have caught on James." Says Hunter, looking down swiftly.
James also averts his gaze, with much difficulty. Suddenly everyone stood up and began to hold hands. James looks at Hunter, and then at Hunter's regular sized lady hands. They stand up, and entwine their fingers together. James's hands engulf Hunters, Hunters hands were practically lost underneath James's 8.5in by 7in hands.
Together they start to sing. James does not know the words to the song, so he only "moos" along.
"James," Hunter asks, nervously. "What the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm a manatee, Hunter," He replies.
"If you're a manatee, I'm a wolf pup. Awoo!" He cries.
"Gentlemen," The priest says, eying the two furries. "Please save it for the altar boy services."
Hunter licks his lips, salivating at the thought of Felix. He figured he may need to steal some of the first communion wine to keep himself in check. Hunter makes a move toward the altar. Suddenly two large otherworldly hands grab around his slutty man waist, not nearly as flamboyant as Dick's but close. The hands pull him back, putting Hunters back flush with James's stomach. He bounces off.
"James?" Hunter gasps, looking up to see James's beady eyes staring back at him. There was no color in the eyes, his pupils were fully dilated, looking hungry.
"Stay here," James says. "With me."
"Always," Hunter says, and suddenly they start stripping.
"I've never wanted a little boy, like I want you," James says.
"ALPHA MALES! PLEASE! MIND YOUR MANNERS!" the priest shouts at them, not noticing how flushed he was. "God is watching."
The two lovers quickly put on their clothes.
"This is far too consensual for church," The priest says, shaking his head in fake disgust. He is too afraid to admit he likes it.
The altar boys look at the three men, eyes wide in fear.
"Sir, does this mean no more play time today?" asked Jerome.
"You're safe for today kitten whiskers. But daddy will play with you later." the priest said, stroking the poor boy's head.
The four altar boys get down on all fours much like Westopolis on all Hallows Eve on the stage of a high school that shall not be named.
"Crawl off stage to your parents now," The priest says.
"Yes sir," The boys say in unison.
James and Hunter sit through the rest of mass, which is not nearly as gay. James RuPaul thinks deeply about what just happened.
How homo. He thought. He dreaded succumbing to his fathers illness every day. But I am not a homosexual. I only like women and underaged children.
~
James surveyed his hard werk. He spent all week on a new truck muffler, it was made of the finest vibranium, comparable only to his dick when he overdosed on Viagra that one time trying to convince himself he loved his wife.
It had been two months since he had gone to church with Hunter Deere or as he liked to call him Hunter Deary. He thought about him often, but had not allowed himself to see him since, fearing for his hetero status.
"James!" His wife calls. "Time for supper!"
He sighs, wearily and walks to the kitchen.
"Better be a good meal, woman." He grunts. "I've been working all day while you've been at home."
"I have a job," she starts, but he silences her with a large hand. He hated the thought of her being a working woman instead of in the kitchen where she belonged.
"Where's my Tennessee Whiskey? It better be smooth." He says.
"Right here, James." She says.
After he's drunk a whiskey or two, and gotten proper drunk, his wife asks the question she's been wondering for months now.
"James," she asks. "You are straight aren't you?"
He straightens up, his hunch disappearing ever so momentarily. He gives her a fierce hetero look.
"As a board, darlin'" he says intensely.
"Well it's just.." she starts, cautiously. "You've been talking about that Hunter Deere character a lot. I just wondered..."
"He's a friend," James says.
"You moaned about sucking marshmallows out of his asshole last night," She says.
"It's what us men do." James replied, giving her a beefy eyed glare.
"Are you sure?" She asks. "I can get an exorcist if you so desire."
"I don't," he says firmly.
"James darling, I'm really worried about you. You haven't hit me once this week. It's a new record."
"I wanted to give you a little break," he says. "That belt whippin' seemed to take a toll on you."
"Well I appreciate that, but it's not just that, you're starting to jerk off to the Jesus funko pops we have around the house."
"Well, I-uh, I thought that was a woman. The long hair confused me." He stutters. "You know after that mule kicked me in the head I ain't been the same."
"Well if you thought it was a woman then that's ok, just make sure you check underneath the robes next time."
James nods and gestures to his wife, silently asking for a whiskey refill.
"Lets just sit down to eat. And by God, unnamed wife of mine, if my dinner is even slightly lukewarm..."
She nodded and headed back to the kitchen.
"Oh how I hate RuPaul' house of horrors." She said bitterly.
Suddenly out of the corner of her eye she sees the shadow of James. She hadn't even heard him, just saw him glide towards her with an angry smolder.
"James! What in Venti are you doing?" She cried.
James mooed and said "My dinner's not warm enough. I told you to keep it warm for me."
"I'm sorry James! But you were out later than usual, and you didn't tell me so I started dinner when I normally do!"
"That's no excuse, woman. You should know better by now." He rumbled.
He raises his massive, humongous, jaw droppingly large hands and is about to hit a home run with his gargantuan hands, when he hears the front door open and sees Hunter walk in.
"James?" Hunter asked
James drops his 8 by 7's and crain's his bridge shaped neck towards Hunter.
"Hunter! What a surprise! What are you doing in my house?"
Hunter lets out a laugh and says "I was on a run and heard you yelling. Did she let your food get cold?" He asks, gesturing to the unnamed wife.
"She did. I was about to teach her a lesson before you walked in."
"I saw. Those man paws of yours are so attractive." Hunter said, gazing at them longingly.
"Would you like to hold them again?" Asked James, holding out one of his child snatchers. Hunter lets his normal sized hands be engulfed by James's hands, and they stare at each other. Hunter's wistful and long lashed eyes stare into James's predatorial beady eyes. Suddenly Hunter blushes and looks away.
"Your um... lady partner is watching us James." Hunter says, embarrassed.
James startled at this and shifts his hunched body towards his wife.
"What are you doing standing there!" He barks "Go back to the kitchen."
His wife glares at him before going back to the stove.
James turns back to Hunter, leaning father to whisper in his ear.
"You. Me. Tonight. The Beautiful Game strip club."
Hunter nods and reluctantly releases James's humunganormus hands.
He gives one last look before walking out the front door, leaving James alone in all his hunched over and homo glory.
~
James's red truck pulls up to the strip club later that night. He sees Hunter lingering by the entrance. They wave and walk in together.
"So what's good here?" Asks Hunter, surveying the crowd of people.
"Well Geoff is always a classic. He kinda just stands there gripping the pole." James points to Geoff Dandy "And Westopolis and Speigenheimer are a twin act."
Hunter nodded and pointed to a corner of the room.
"And who is that? He seems to be a bit old for this line of work."
James looks over to where Hunter pointed.
"Oh, that's just Hon-y. Pronounced Honey. He's retired but after quitting his teaching job he decided to get a hobby."
"That makes sense. I'll probably end up doing that when I retire. That or become a women's hand model"
James shoots a rodent-like smile at Hunter before leading them to a pole in the center of the room.
"Now this here is the club's best and youngest worker. His name is Jackson Pepperoni."
"He has a bit of a Tim Burton look about him." Hunter remarks.
James stares thoughtfully at Jackson before agreeing with Hunter. The two spent the rest of the night talking with one another under the flashing neon lights. Before they knew it, it was already morning, yet the both of them felt more energized than ever before.
"Let's do this again sometime James." Hunter said. "I quite enjoyed our man date."
James smiles down at him. "As did I."
The two set off in different directions. James walked back to his truck and hopped in. He drove back to his house and lumbered inside, humming quietly to himself.
"Ol' Dirty Bastard, go in your jaw, shimmy, shimmy, ya Got the semi in the hemi, go and gimme, gimme, ya Pugilistic, my linguistics are Jeru the Damaja And I rap it pornographic, bitch, set up the camera" James rapped. Ooh la la was his favorite song by Run The Jewels, and he liked to listen to them as he chased children down the street.
He took off his puffy dark blue trauma inducing coat and underneath was a red RTJ2 t-shirt. He had taken a chest pic of him in that shirt and posted it on instagram in 2016, not realizing that a few years later some of his AP World Mechanics students would find them and get raging PTSD from knowing what his tits looked like. He snorted as he got a notification that one of the photos was bookmarked.
"I love children." He said, thinking about the one time he cornered a student in a closet and watched as they picked up an oven mitt.
He turned his head toward the kitchen when he heard his wife call his name.
"James! Don't forget, you have church today."
James smiles to himself again and licks his lips. He imagined Jerome's wide and fearful eyes, and couldn't wait to see him again.
~
James was thoroughly exhausted when he got to church, having just stayed up all night. However, he was never too tired for Jerome. The moment mass ended, he rode that boy like he was a bucking bronco at the county fair, only Jerome had not the strength nor the will to buck James off him.
After an hour and a half of passionate rape, James was rudely interrupted. The door to his private room, soundproofed to mask the screaming, was kicked in. James was appalled as he dismounted the boy to see that there was a police officer with his gun pointed at him. James quickly threw his ungodly large hands, still wet, up in the air.
"James RuPaul," the police officer says. "You are under arrest."
"No there must be a mistake," James says. "I've done nothing wrong."
"What is that on your hands?" The police officer asks. "And where are your clothes?"
"They, uh-," James stutters, but can come up with no answer.
"Hands behind your back," the officer says. James does as the officer says.
The officer starts to cuff James' wrists when he cries out in surprise.
"By god man! Your hands are enormous!" The officer exclaims.
"I know," James says, winking at Jerome who is curled up in the corner in fear.
"I've never seen such large hands in my life!" The officer continues. "It's like two rotisserie chickens at the end of your arms!"
"They're 8.5 by 7 inches to be precise," James says. "Seven inches also happens to be the length of my schlong. Isn't that right Jerome?"
Poor Jerome merely whimpers and then curls up tighter in the fetal position.
"Come with me," the officer says, pulling James out of the private room.
James sees that Hunter has been arrested as well!
"Hunter!" The man with the surname of RuPaul cries. "No! My man child! My rain after the storm! The feminine paws to my overexpanded ones! Your milkshake brought this boy to the yard!"
Hunter merely looks at James with his usual wistful stare, ever so distraught.
James and Hunter are dragged out of the church, along with the pastor and a few other good Christian men.
"Who could have done this?" The pastor cries. "Our ploy was fool proof! Airtight I tell you! How in God's good name could our child diddling ring be discovered?"
That is the last thing James heard before he was forced into the police car. He is driven to the station, and just a few minutes later he is handcuffed to a bench next to Hunter.
"The police officer said it was an anonymous tip," Hunter says, quietly, his head bowed in defeat. "I wonder who it could have been."
"Someone awful," James grunts. "I wasn't even done. I still have all this pent up energy, with nowhere to go."
"No child for it to go into you mean," Hunter says, solemnly. "I understand."
The two men and their pent up energy stare at each other. Tension hangs in the air between them. Two best friends in a room. Will they kiss?
Perhaps they will.
James finds himself hunching even lower than usual so his head is level with Hunters. He leans in for a kiss, but just before their lips meet, a man walks in.
Hunter and James quickly move away from each other and stare at the strange man. He has an overjoyed smile that always looks too happy for the given occasion. His expression looks as though he's about to laugh, but really no one thinks anything he says is funny. He is balding badly, the light reflects off his large bald spot, making both men on the bench squint as it shines in their eyes. He wears a button up shirt, and has his hands behind his back.
"Hello boys," the man says. "I am Cormac Brandy."
~
"Cormac Brandy?" The two men in the bench repeated, in sync.
"Yes," Cormac says. "But you, like most young men I know, can call me Mr. Brandy."
"Who are you?" Hunter asks. "Why have you come to visit us?"
"I'm the one who reported you to the police." Cormac said, a sleazy grin appearing on his face.
Hunter looks from Cormac to James, but James does not share Hunter's shocked expression. Instead, he looks at Cormac with strapping fascination.
"Wait," James gasps. "I know you."
"James RuPaul," Cormac coos. "How could you have forgotten me?" Somehow, Cormac's grin grows even wider.
"You were..." James's beady eyes grow wide. The entirety of Hunter's reality is shaken to its very core as he realizes that James does in fact have white in his eyes. "The Diddler."
"What?" Hunter asks, caught entirely off guard by this nickname.
"That's what everyone at my elementary school called him," James says. "Because everyone knows what he did."
"It's true," Cormac says. "I did indeed diddle a great many children, including your friend here, James RuPaul. One of my favorite youngsters."
"You followed me to middle school too," James says. "You changed jobs just for me. And there was a fan club for you at my high school, even though you didn't teach there."
"I didn't want all the older kids to forget about me completely," Cormac says. "But yes, I did tell a certain young man that I would leave him alone as long as that club remained at your high school. To my knowledge it's still there."
"Why did you call the police on us, then?" Hunter asks.
Cormac sighs, sadly. "I'll only tell you this because you both are about to go off to jail for a long, long time," He says. "But pedophilia just isn't as easy as it was back in the day."
He looks off into the distance angrily.
"Parents now teach their children to stay away from people like me," Cormac spits. "The diddling industry has taken a serious, serious hit. I was having enough trouble as it was without the...competition from my local church.
"Your system was genius. As the pastor said, positively airtight. And you were stealing all the little boys right out from under me. Well now, without you, those little boys will need someone to help them, and I will be right there in their time of need."
He smiles evilly.
"If it was airtight," James starts. "How did you find out about it?"
Cormac is silent for a moment. "It doesn't matter," He says, after a pause. "The only thing that matters is that I have regained my turf. And I intend to keep it for a long, long time."
With that he turns on his heel and walks out of the room.
~
James dials his home phone number. Most people these days don't have a home phone, but he didn't want his wife to have her own cell phone so he bought her a landline. What a considerate husband.
"Hello?" The unnamed wife answers the phone.
"Woman? Is that you?" James asks.
"Yes. What do you need, my King?" she replies, ever resigned.
"I appear to have gotten captured by the authorities. I need you to bail me out."
James hears a sigh from the other end of the phone.
"No James." the wife said. James was silent for a moment, utterly shooketh.
"What did you say unnamed wife of mine??" He growled.
"I won't bail you out," She said. "You're a homosexual."
"I'm-I'm not!" James cried.
"What were you arrested for, James?" She asked.
"Molesting some children," James said.
"Male children?" His wife asked.
James does not answer.
"Male children?!" She asks, much more firmly this time.
"Well, yes," James admits, sheepishly. "But it was non consensual! I promise!"
"I don't believe you," She says.
"It's the truth, woman!" He yells. "Now bail me out! Now!"
"Say my name," She says. "And I will bail you out."
"Your...your name?" He asks.
"Yes, my name," she says. "If you cannot say it, I will file the divorce papers as soon as we get off the phone. Now tell me, what's my name?"
For the life of him, James could not remember. He knew it was said when they were married. He was sure it was said in the goodbye to her father, after she had been sold off to him. But... alas nothing came to him. He had so often referred to his wife as "woman" or often many more derogatory names that her name had become superfluous. He should have asked her, but most of the time when he was around her she just screamed. Now, it was a side effect of the beatings, but even before they had married she would scream upon seeing him. That was in fact how they first met. He was in her neighborhood, wife shopping, and her father offered her up. He looked upon her for the first time, puffed out his pecks, gave her his most dashing smolder, and waved at her with an enormous man paw.
She had thought he was a chupacabra.
Her scream was absolutely blood curdling.
"Mrs. RuPaul?" James finally guesses.
"I'm going to city hall now, and filing the papers." James' wife sounded like she had expected that answer. Without another word she hangs up the phone.
James sadly puts the phone back on the receiver, sadly. He was not sad for his marriage, but his freedom. He was now stuck in jail. Only Venti knew when he would be out again.
"Don't look so blue, Mr. Pear," Hunter says, nudging James.
"We're never going to diddle another boy again," James whined.
"Yes we will," Hunter grins. "I made a special phone call to the Beautiful Game Strip Club."
"The strip club??" James cries. "How would that help? Do they bring us children?"
"You'll see," Hunter says. "You might want to step away from that wall, though."
James does as Hunter says, and just a few moments later the wall explodes! No, not explode. Something has been thrown through it! Something massive! What could it be?
"Geoff Dandy??" James exclaims. "What in Venti?!"
Just then, Speigenhemer and Westopolis appear before them, still in their work outfits.
"We're here to save you," Westopolis cries.
"Come quickly!" Speigenheimer yells to them.
"Are the police coming for us?" James asks, running hand in hand with Hunter toward the two strippers.
"Oh no," Speigenheimer says. "We've ordered them all lap dances, they should be distracted for a while. I just really have to take a shit."
"Well then we better hurry!" Hunter says, with much more urgency than before. "I remember last Thanksgiving, when Speigy took a post feast shit. I don't think I've ever been the same."
The four men get in the car, and put Geoff in the trunk. They all ride off into the sunset.
~
Speigenheimer was sitting on the toilet when he heard the rest of his friends drive off. He tried calling for them but alas, they could not hear him through the doors of the gender neutral bathroom.
"Guys! Guys!" Speigy cried. "Wait for me!"
Speigenheimer couldn't even run after them because he was still dropping another bomb into the Jail's unsuspecting bathroom. Suddenly the door to the gender neutral bathroom was kicked open, Speigenheimer's eyes widened in surprise as they focused on the police officer who was now gagging from the horrible smell that came from the bathroom.
"By God! It smells horrible here!" cried the police officer, covering his nose and mouth. "What the fuck did you eat!?"
Speigenheimer stutters, not able to find a proper excuse for his nuking of the toilet. The police officer stumbles away from the bathroom and pulls out his walkie talkie.
"Hey guys I'm going to need some backup. There's a middle aged male stripper taking a massive dump in the gender neutral bathrooms." the officer nodded, "That's right, across from the police therapy office."
Speigenheimer finishes his business quickly and knocks out the officer. Speigy runs through the halls, looking for the hole that Geoff had made during James and Hunters escape. Once he finds it he jumps through the hole and begins to sprint in the direction of the tire marks. Speigenheimer follows the tracks back to The Beautiful Game club, where he sees Geoff and a tall balding man talking in hushed tones. He is curious as to why Geoff would talk to anyone other than his little bears, so Speigenheimer decides to crawl like the altar boys James and Hunter liked so much, and crawl so he could hear the conversation between the two groomers.
"Good job Geoffy. You did what most men couldn't." Cormac said, leaning a little too close to Geoff. Perhaps because of Geoff Dandy's short stature Cormac thought that Geoff was a child, and that's why he was so close. Geoff nodded, and glanced around nervously.
"Are you sure this was a good idea though? If James finds out I'm the one who ratted them out he's gonna kill me with those hands of his."
Cormac gently stroked Geoffys bald head.
"Hush little baby don't say a word, and never mind that voice you heard." Cormac said, kissing the top of Geoff's head. He found that it was not unlike kissing a bowling ball. Not that he had done that much.
Speigenheimer stood there in shock. Cormac Brandy and Geoff were in cahoots? And not only that they seemed to be...together? Was Geoff Cormac's pet???
"I must tell James and the others," Speigy whispers to himself. He quite liked the idea of James slapping the living daylights out of Geoff with his massive rotisserie chickens.
Speigenheimer quickly scurried off to one of the private rooms, where extra services were often performed. He found Hunter Deer performing a certain service on James RuPaul. Westopolis was in the corner, eyes wide as saucers watching the two men. His little boy's stature was shaking with fear.
"Oh! God!" Spiegel shouted. "Please Hunter, get off Mr. RuPaul!"
Spiegel was overwhelmed with the urge to claw his own eyes out, and nearly did until he remembered the important information he had to share.
"James! James! You'll never guess what I just heard! Geoff Dandy, that traitor! He was talking to Cormac Brandy! He gave us away, and had the police called on the church gang!" Speigy cries.
James's face morphs into an angry polar bear face, as Hunter dismounts him. James gathers up his clothes and puts them back on.
"You interrupted us," James grumbles.
"This is important information," Speigenheirmer says. He looks to Westopolis, but he is still staring, traumatized, at where James and Hunter were. James nodded and sighed.
"We lost several good altar boys because of him and that Cormac fellow. He will not get away with this." James rumbled.
Hunter nodded at this and opened a drawer to his left. He pulled out a large dildo from it.
"NO MORE!" Westopolis cried, anguished. "PLEASE I BEG OF YOU!! DO NOT USE THAT DILDO! PLEASE!!! I BEG OF YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!" He fell to the floor crying, hands clasped in front of him begging.
"I won't use this on you," Hunter said. James' frown somehow deepened at the revelation, as Westopolis sniffles, but gets back to his feet. "But it has given me an idea."
"What is it?" Speigenheimer asked.
"Well, one of the many things going through my head when I was on James," Hunter started. Westopolis let out a wail, and continued sobbing. "Was that I am quite good at this. Don't you agree, James?"
"Yes," James answered far too quickly. "Very good."
"So I would think that while we fight in the shadows against the evils that are The Diddler and his associates," Hunter continued. "We would need somewhere to hide and lay low."
"I agree," Speigenheimer said.
"So in the meantime, James and I should work here. At the Beautiful Game Strip Club." Hunter said.
"What a good idea!" Speigenheimer exclaimed. "However, I must warn you: the training process is quite thorough and intense."
"Training?" Hunter and James asked in unison.
"You train for this?" James asked, followed by a "neh heh".
"Of course!" Spiegel said, seeming insulted. "We are not some run of the mill strip club! We are. The. Beautiful. Game. We are...gourmet. You will need to go through training if it is to be believed that you are true strippers."
"Okay," Hunter agreed. "Let's bring Dick as well. He could be in danger now. Geoff has already trampled him once."
"Yes, good idea." Speigenhemer agreed. "You will all need new names and will need to wear heavy makeup to conceal your appearance."
"Ok," James said. He was nervous about the upcoming war against The Diddler, and the good altar boys that might be lost in the process, but more than any of that, he was excited to be spending so much time with Hunter Deere.
~
"Okay, the first part is the dancing," Westopolis said, his voice quavering as he looked at the three men. It was not Dick who made his voice waver so, but James and Hunter who just the day before had performed an extraordinary act upon one another, which they had no shame about doing in front of him.
"I am very good at dancing," Dick said. Having fully recovered, he did a small hip swaying motion to demonstrate. Westopolis thought it was quite good.
"Very good!" Westopolis said. "Now the real trick is doing that, on a pole."
"Da bambina davo lap danza." Dick said, confidently marching up to the pole. He did a graceful spin on it. "È per questo che i miei fianchi mantengono la loro fluidità imperterrita."
"You know we can't understand Italian Ol'Dickie Boy," James said, playfully.
Dick winks back at him.
"Now for the most difficult part," Speigeheimer said. "The oral art exam."
"Oh, so we talk?" James asked, somewhat nervously. He had found that when he talked he often sounded like Eore from Winnie the Pooh.
"No, no," Speigenheimer laughed. "Different oral things."
After many an oral art exam, all three men passed. They were now certified strippers, and ready to take on whatever The Diddler would throw at them.
~
James and Hunter decided to work on neighboring poles. As they danced they paid no attention to the people gawking at their less than fully clothed bodies. James gallivanted across the stage, waving his man paws as gracefully as possible.
"Who's that hunk of pear?" he hears from someone in the crowd. Hunter hears this too, and angrly growls like a wolf and pounces on the person who dared to ask about his favorite vehicle of lust. They fall to the ground and wrestle around for a solid five minutes before James steps in. He takes his king sized cumbersome brobdingnagian hands and pulls the two men off of each other.
"Calm down my little wolf pup." James rumbles. "I have eyes for you and you only."
Hunter stares up at James's gopher-like face and smiles.
"Thank you my manatee."
The two middle aged men, one happy and one sad, grinned and walked back to the poles hand in hand.
James suddenly gets a call from Speigenheimer, saying that Cormac has finally made a move. A shipment of altar boys to be was raided an hour ago. Right after Westopolis had successfully gone through negotiations with a few local churches, Cormac had drawn together his forces and ambushed the trade deal.
"We need to fight back. Those altar boys were going to fight for us. Use the remaining altar boys to distract Cormac and his allies, that should give us the time we need to ambush him." James said.
"We will need young females to distract Geoff," Hunter added. "He always enjoys calling them little bear and tying their hair back so it doesn't get in the way."
"Of course." James says. "Speigenheimer, send for the youngest strippers from the Ladies Beautiful Game Club. All of them have an interest in soccer, so they should be able to entertain Geoff."
"I have an interest in soccer as well," James says. "I have seen them perform. Their ball skills are quite impressive."
"Let's be honest," Hunter adds. "We've all done that to try and feel straight. Young girls are the closest we'll ever get."
"Of course," Speigenheimer agrees. "That's why I married my wife. She is 6'2"." He gleams with pride.
"Did you think she was a man or something?" James asks.
"Yes," Speigenheimer says, proudly.
"Got it. Anyway, send for a handful of boys and girls to be anonymously sent to Cormac and his gang." James said. He looked down at Hunter, staring at him with loving eyes.
"We'll traumatize your children one day Hunter. They will see us holding hands in a park and wish they never saw it."
Hunter throws his head back and guffaws, simultaneously flicking back his Justin Bieber hair.
Suddenly he spots two boys. One with short red hair and the other with shoulder length black hair.
"Mmmm how delectable." Hunter says, signaling to James.
~
Lenny and Ralph were running for their motherfucking lives.
"Go get that one!" James cries to the others, pointing to Ralph. James gets on all fours. "He's an asthmatic!"
"I'm going for the one who runs like a man! He reminds me of you James!" Hunter cried.
"No!" Speigenheimer protests. "I prefer the flowy hipped one! He's like a young Dicky Boy!"
"Like hell I'm letting you guys get that Lenny boy first!" Cried Westopolis. He had played college soccer in his youth, so he was better at running than most of The Molesters there. That's what they liked to call themselves.
James finally caught up to Ralph, and tackled him to the ground. Ralph screamed like a dying goat.
"Is that the same outfit you were wearing last time you caught me at sports camp?" Ralph cries. "The same cardigan???"
"Yes," James says, proudly. "I haven't changed cardigans in the past seven years."
"Good you got one!" Westopolis cries, triumphantly. He takes his shirt off, revealing a swole physique. Stripping required a vigorous workout routine. "How are you planning to diddle him?"
James thought for a moment, pinning Ralph as he squirmed to get away.
"You know, I have something else in mind for this one..." James said.
~
"NOOOOOOOO" Ralph screamed.
James had placed Ralph atop his lap. His large hands caressed the boy's legs.
"NO NO NO! LET ME GO!" Ralph cried out, struggling uselessly against James's horrid hands.
"Neh Heh Heh!" James laughed, clearly enjoying the struggling boy in his lap.
Ralph jabbed his elbows into James's stomach, causing James to release him in surprise. The little boy stumbled away from James's hunched figure and managed to crawl towards a door. He fumbled with the doorknob and looked behind his shoulder. James was on all fours again.
"You're a surprising little boy. But you won't get away!" James said, flashing his signature gopher grin.
Ralph screams and frantically starts banging on the door. 😧🥱😵😲
"Huaugh huaugh huaugh." James laughed. It was a full bellied laugh, and it shocked the living daylights out of Ralph.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood Hunter Deere in the flesh. He was holding the limp and sobbing form of a one Lenny Stork.
"James! Having fun now, are we?" Hunter said with a smile on his face.
"Of course!" James replied, his gopher smile shifting into a more predatorial polar bear one.
"Well I caught the other one. Lets play a game~" Hunter said, a whimsical grin on his face.
Lenny and Ralph shudder and look up at the two homo-sapiens.
"P-Please don't diddle us." Lenny stutters out, "We heard about you from our friend Jerome! We don't want to be ridden like a bucking bronco!"
Ralph nods and says "We heard all about those 8 by 7's! I don't want those things anywhere near me!"
James walks over towards Lenny and crouches in front of Lenny's huddled form. James peers at Lenny before leaning in and whispering in Lenny's ear.
"Jerome got only HALF of what you're about to receive." He said, a patient smile gracing his scruffy features. James takes both of his hefty and vast hands and places one on each side of Lenny's face. He leans in and places a kiss on top of Lenny's forehead. Lenny flinches back but James's large hands keep the poor boy from getting away.
"Hey you homo hobo freak what the FUCK are you doing to Lenny?" Ralph cries, now in the clutches of Hunter. James turns and giggles.
"We lost our favorite altar boys, so now you two will replace them." James says. Suddenly there is a knock on the door, and a hooded figure steps into the room.
"Who are you?" Asks Hunter, shifting into a defensive stance.
The hooded figure chuckles and says "you can call me Vesperfur."
~
"Vesperfur?" James says, turning away from Lenny's shaken form. "As in Vesperfur, the CEO of Spoons Across America?"
"Indeed. At Spoons Across America we strive to promote both big spoons and small spoons. But that's beside the point. The council of Middle Aged Men In Madness has heard word of the...Kerfuffle that you and Cormac Brandy have started. I'm here as a messenger, here to tell you that we will back you in your war against Cormac."
Hunter sports a confused face before asking "Why would the council join in and help us now?"
Vesperfur sighs and looks down sadly, seemingly mimicking the infamous hunch of James RuPaul. "Well the thing is Cormac used to be one of us. He was a rising star in the school of Diddling, all honors and everything. But Cormac wanted more, he broke off from the tutelage of the council and began his own journey. James RuPaul is quite familiar with some of Cormac's earlier personas."
James nodded before whispering a fearful "The Diddler."
"What kinda fucked up cycle of molestation trauma is going on here? Ever heard of breaking the cycle?" Ralph interrupted.
"Shut up stupid child," Vespurfur snapped. Ralph quickly sat submissively, his natural posture. Vespurfur snapped his head toward James. "Do you not discipline your altar boys?"
"These are not altar boys sir," James says, sadly. "My dearest Jerome was taken from me. These are meager replacements."
"Well you ought to discipline them," Vespurfur snapped. "I used to be in the military." He walked over to Ralph and stroked the side of his face.
"You know what they called me in the military?" Vespurfur asked Ralph. Ralph was crying too much to answer. "Vespurrrrrrr."
He began purring for Ralph, like a cat.
"You too are a furry?" James asks, smiling excitedly. Of course his smile was that of an overexcited gopher.
"Of course," Vespurfur says, licking his hands like a cat, then smoothing his white hair back. "I find making furry noises is the best way to force a small child into submission."
"I must utilize that more in the future," James says. He was already thinking about the possibilities once he retrieved his ever so misplaced Jerome.
"You would be surprised what you learn at the school of diddling." Vespurfur says. "You're a Diddler, James RuPaul."
"Wot?" James asks, in a sudden British accent. It takes him back to the days his AP World Mechanics students would argue over who was more british. One of them reminded him quite fondly of Ralph. He had diddled him and diddled him well. It made him sad, looking back. When so much was so simple. Beat his wife like the lead batter at the World Series here, thrust a child there. Now everything had become so complicated.
"Yes, a Diddler," Vespurfur continued. "It's like a title you get once you follow a certain lifestyle. Samurai are samurai because they fight with honor. A diddler follows not their mind, nor their heart. Nay, they follow the will of their dick."
Hunter strokes his beard thoughtfully. "That is quite wise. You're like a tall white yoda."
"Yoda?" James asks. "That little cryptic green shit in Star Wars?"
Hunter nods.
"Star Wars was such a poorly made movie. It's less exciting than when Speigenheimer talks about his bathroom schedule." James says. He looks back down at the two boys, carding his hands through Lenny's locks of hair. He begins to caress Lenny's head, only needing one hand because his man paws were large enough that just one of his child snatchers engulfed Lenny's head. Lenny was shaking so much with fear that he reminded James of a vibrator.
"James dear let go of that poor child's head. He's going to be even more traumatized when I play with him during my annual January Writers Retreat." Hunter said, a playfully yet nefarious smirk making its way onto his bearded face. Lenny looked up at Hunter, still vibrating. "Though it's so hard to choose, the other one looks simply scrumptious as well."
"Why don't we save diddling these little boys for another time," Vespurfur suggests. "We have a war to fight. Boys, are you on our side?"
"Will you diddle us if we say no?" Lenny asks.
"Yes," All the men say in unison. The two boys look at each other before responding.
"We will help you," Ralph says, bowing his head shamefully.
James takes a boy in each hand, and pulls them up by the shoulders so they are standing.
"It is up to you," James says. "To distract Cormac and Geoff. They are looking for more altar boys. Take this cross." James hands them each a cross, which the boys take. "Convince them you are with the altar boy shipment. These crosses have trackers on them so we will be able to find their secret layer."
"Yes sir," Ralph says. That was his favorite phrase.
"Go on now," James says, pushing both boys out of the door, his large hands covering the entirety of their backs. "The power of Venti compels you."
Lenny and Ralph walked over to the large shipping crate, which they knew was filled to the brim with altar boys. They hold the crosses as they walk over.
"We could run you know," Lenny suggests.
"I don't want to see Master RuPaul chase me on all fours again," Ralph says, solemnly. "Let's just do as they say."
"Why are you so submissive? What did James do to you?" Lenny asks.
"He made me sit on his lap," Ralph admits, after a pause. "There is no fear like it. I was so close, I smelled the reek of his seven year old cardigan." Ralph winced at the thought of it. "I tried to fight, but there is no escaping the newly knighted diddler. I must do as he says. Forever."
The two boys have reached the shipping container. Without another word, they hop in. There were quite a few altar boys with them, nearly all of them were huddled up by a wall, or lying on the floor sobbing. Just as they had closed the hatch from which they came, a bellowing, carrying voice seemed to surround them.
"Little ones," The voice boomed. "Oh, my little bears. Do you hear this? How my voice carries? I can get louder if I need to. Fear my loud booming voice."
A large figure waddled toward them.
"Does he think that will scare us?" Lenny whispers to Ralph.
"That's Geoff Dandy," Ralph says. "One of the men Master RuPaul and the others were talking about."
"We are on our way," Geoff booms again. "To our top secret headquarters: The Balls of John Walls' Halls."
The boys around them gasped in fear. Lennny and Ralph said nothing. Soon James RuPaul and the others would know where the headquarters were.
~
James paced back and forth worriedly. He couldn't bear to be so far away from Lenny. Oh how he missed Lenny's horse like laughter and long pullable hair. Hunter noticed James's distress and walked over, grabbing one of James's large altar-boy-groping hands in his lady hands.
"Don't worry my manatee, Speigenheimer is tracking the boys. You will be reunited with your beloved Jerome and Lenny."
James whines and says "I don't think I can bear to be so far apart from my pookie. I miss his fearful eyes. I love him so much, and hold no interest at all for his companion named Ralph."
Hunter nods at this and turns his head to see Speigenheimer and Westopolis sashay into the room. They both wear triumphant grins on their faces.
"James! Hunter! We've tracked the boys to a discrete location in Andrews Cavern. It's called 'The Balls of John Walls Halls'." Speigy says, a piece of toilet paper sticking out of the back of his pants. Thankfully the paper looked clean.
"Spectacular. I soon can be reunited with my dear Lenny and Jerome." James says, looking down at Hunter. Hunter nods and says
"Alright, let's go get our boys back."
The four men look at each other and grin.
"Cormac Brandy won't know what hit him."
~
"NO NO NO NO NO!" raged Cormac. His plan was ruined! Geoff Dany had found trackers on two of the boys and had sent the boys to Cormac's special dungeon. Cormac looked down at the huddled figures of the two boys, both had gone a little green at seeing Cormac in his loungewear.
"Sir- Do you think maybe you could put on some pants? Or at least a pair of underwear? I'm going to go blind if I have to see you in just a silk robe." Lenny says to his Lord and Master.
"Hey, be nice to your Lord Daddy Master." Ralph says to Lenny. That was all Lenny called Cormac.
Lenny flusters at this and looks away from Cormac's...Natural...form.
"SHUT UP! YOU TWO RUINED EVERYTHING!" cried Cormac, pointing angrily at the two boys. Cormac resumes his frantic pacing, muttering worriedly.
"I can't believe that idiot Geoff didn't realize sooner. I'm so not in the mood to face off against James either! His gigantic hands for weapons will eviscerate my entire army of stolen altar boys! He'll diddle my forces down to nothing!"
The two boys looked at each other. Ralph, the more charming and quick-witted of the two, began to devise a plan. Ralph glanced at the open window by Cormac's frantic form.
Suddenly out of nowhere Lenny lunges towards Cormac and grovels at his feet.
"MASTER CORMAC! PLEASE LET ME GO I'LL DO ANYTHING!" cried Lenny.
Cormac looks down at Lenny's begging form, intrigued.
"Well little Lenny...I appear to have a problem...of sorts...down here" Cormac says.
"I'll suck you magnificent man noodle! If it means I get to leave!" Ralph cries. Cormac stops in his tracks and looks at Ralph. He considers the idea for a few moments. Lenny or Ralph? Who would it be?
"No!" A carrying voice cries. Geoff Dandy's large figure lumbers down the steps to the dungeon. He wobbles into the light. "That little bear is mine."
Ralph screams, and struggles against the chains. He is chained to a wall, wrists handcuffed and bound behind his back. He wears nothing but a shimmering golden thong. Lenny on the other hand, is fully dressed, and bears no chains.
Geoff lumbers closer to Ralph, and Ralph begins once again to sob.
"Please," He pleads. "I just wanna go home."
"It's okay," Geoff says, and kneels to the ground with Ralph. He pulls Ralph in for a hug, which Ralph is powerless to struggle against. He just keeps sobbing harder. "Oh, little bear." Geoff rubs Ralph's back. "Don't cry. It will all be okay."
"Stop, please," Ralph whimpers. He did not particularly enjoy the feeling of Geoff's body pressed against his own in an embrace.
"Shhh," Geoff shushes Ralph. "There's nothing to be scared of. It's all just fine."
Ralph seemed like he was starting to asphyxiate.
"Augh, ah, ah, ah," He breathed, eyes wide as saucers. He seemed to be having some sort of trauma response.
"I know what will make you feel better," Geoff says, gently. He finally lets go of Ralph, and Ralph seems to nearly collapse with relief. "Come upstairs, both of you."
He detached Ralph's chains from the wall, and instead hooks them up to a heavy metal ball, so that he can't make a break for it, and escape. He allows Lenny to walk normally. The two boys, as well as Cormac, follow Geoff upstairs.
"Where are we going?" Lenny asks, bored.
"You'll see," Geoff says. Upstairs is a strip club, not unlike the Beautiful Game, but with many more methods of restraint. Chains, handcuffs, rope, and various other kinky devices line the walls, alongside a myriad of poles.
Ralph whimpers in fear. Without thinking, he starts to try to run, but is held back by the metal ball. He hopelessly hip swishes in place, making no progress in getting away from Geoff and Cormac.
"Look at those hips go!" Geoff cries, delighted at the sight. "Oh! Oh yes!"
"He will be a natural at this!" Cormac cries, his voice cracking with excitement. His voice seemed to crack at every other statement he made. It was almost as if he had the vocal cords of a pubescent teen, in a very non-pubescent body.
Ralph collapsed with the effort, at last, leaving Geoff to pick him up into a standing position. Dragging the metal ball, Geoff led Ralph to one of the poles. Lenny sat comfortably and undiddled in the corner, watching.
"There ya go, little bear," Geoff says, placing one of Ralphs trembling hands on the pole. Geoff gets off the stand, and sits in a chair, watching Ralph intently.
"W-what?" Ralph shakes. "What do I do?"
"What do you think?" Geoff asks. "Dance!"
Ralph meagerly began to move his hips from side to side, mimicking the beat of the music. Madonna's "Like A Virgin" was playing in the background. It was Ralph's favorite song. Too bad it would now be ruined by the memory associated with it.
"That's not dancing!" Geoff groans. "Drop it down!"
"What?" Ralph asks, appalled.
"Drop it down on the pole!" Geoff cries.
Ralph drops it down, the pole between his legs, Ralphussy popped out back, like so many Speigussies before him. He stands up.
"Oh yes!" Geoff cries. "Yes! Yes!"
Ralph continues to dance, doing a quick spin that causes Geoff to moan with satisfaction. He then does a loop around the pole, which gets his chain tangled. Geoff only seems to enjoy it more.
"Now twerk!" Geoff yells.
"No! Please!" Ralph cries. "Stop this madness!"
"Do you want me to give you back to James RuPaul? Let him do as he pleases with you with those wife-beating-home-run-scoring hands of his?" Geoff yells.
Ralph solemnly shakes his head. He does not want to upset Geoff. But Ralph would rather be with James than the horrid Geoff Dandy any day.
"Then twerk for me boy!" Geoff cries.
Ralph pathetically begins to twerk.
"Harder!" Geoff commands. "Faster! Like you mean it! That's it! Yes! Keep it going! Just like that! Oh! Oh!"
Ralph continues twerking, as Geoff watches, positively overjoyed at what is before his eyes.
"Now bark boy!" Geoff commands. "Bark like you want it, baby!"
Ralph knew better than to question Geoff's commands now.
"Arf! Arf!" He cried.
"No, the other type of bark!" Geoff commands. "And don't you dare stop twerking!"
"Woof! Woof!" Ralph barked in response, trying to channel his inner Hunter Deere.
"The other one!"
"Bow wow! Bow wow!"
"The! Other! One! Boy!"
"Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" Ralph continued past two barks this time, so he figured he must have pleased Geoff.
In fact, he was so focused on his combination of aggressive twerking and barking, that he didn't notice Geoff Dandy lumber over to him, until he was a mere few feet away from him.
"Did you just say you like it ruff?" Geoff asked. He grabbed the boy, stopping both the twerking and the barking simultaneously. Instead, the only thing that escaped Ralph's mouth was a shriek.
"Wait for me! Wait for me!" Cormac cried, voice cracking with more excitement than usual. "I want to ride too!"
Just as Geoff got Ralph onto all fours, and Cormac had reached the two of them, it seemed for Ralph that all hope had been lost. That was, until a loud, booming, earth shattering, shock inducing, could-wake-the-ancestors-from-their-graves laugh echoed throughout the John Walls Halls, shaking the very ground beneath them.
"HUAGH! HUAGH! HUAGH!" It rang.
"It can't be..." Cormac said. "He wouldn't dare face me again, after the way I diddled him...it's not..."
James RuPaul opened the door to the club. His pear like figure was silhouetted in the sunlight, as one skinny, long arm held the door open.
"James RuPaul," Cormac sneered. James walked in, his footsteps making ripples in the floorboards. He stops as he sees Ralph on all fours, Cormac and Geoff beside him, poised to mount.
"Hey!" James yells. He pulls out a giant hand, and points an overly long finger at them. "You get away from my little diddle bug!"
~
Lenny was delusional. He thought that he had been safe from the tortures of Geoff, but in truth Geoff had drugged him. Lenny was in fact in the same predicament at Ralph, perhaps in a worse situation. Cormac had taken a strange liking to Lenny, and since Cormac was dressed in only a robe, he had Lenny sitting on his bare lap.
"What's that uncomfy hard thing?" asked Lenny, placed atop Cormac's legs.
"Oh don't worry about that my little kitten, daddy will make it all better." Cormac moans out.
Lenny looks up at Cormac, eyes wide and fearful.
"Please don't send me to Geoff Dandy! I see what he's done to Ralph!"
Cormac lets out a "Heigh Heigh Heigh!" His laugh was one of a pubescent teen. Probably because he only hangs out with Pubescent teens.
"Oh master! Please laugh again!" Lenny cried out. He loved Cormacs laugh. It brought so much joy and submission. sensation to Lenny.
Suddenly, Cormac leapt up, throwing Lenny off his lap to the floor. Lenny lifted his head and watched Cormac excitedly run to Geoff who was standing next to Ralph, forcing the little boy onto all fours.
Poor Ralph. Lenny thought. Though, he couldn't feel all that bad for Ralph. When they had first met, Ralph did have a nasty habit of forcing balls through people's legs himself.
Still, Lenny found himself holding his breath as Geoff Dandy lifted a leg to mount Ralph. But wait! Just in time! Ralph's own master James RuPaul had come to rescue him!
Just then, Lenny felt the drugs again. Cormac must have given him more to keep him still. He passed out again.
~
James, hunch ever so prevalent, ran over to Ralph's side. With his enormous child snatchers, now being used as child savers, he punched Geoff off Ralph. Geoff had nearly fully mounted, hurriedly determined to get an orgasm or two in before the fight began. He found that the younger the child, the quicker it came. Or rather, the quicker he came.
Nonetheless, he was never given the chance before James punched him with his newly renamed Child Savers. Geoff was knocked out instantly, and fell to the floor. Cormac started to run at James, but he was met with meaty THWACK! as James finally hit that home run he had been saving up for his wife for so long. The sound sent shockwaves throughout John Walls Halls. Cormac was nearly decapitated. Teeth and blood flew out of his mouth. He too, collapsed to the ground, unconscious.
Thomas laughed. He was an altar boy. Yah..
"Oh my god!" Ralph screamed in horror. He was only more submissive toward his master now that he knew what he was truly capable of.
James turns back to Ralph. He sees the chain, and metal ball. Putting his thumb in one link of the chain, and his pinky in the other, he pulls apart to his full 7 inch capability. His fingers were so strong, from the abundance of testosterone and the physical training of diddling children for years, that each had its own six pack. He thrust his hand mightily, and the chain came apart.
He kneels down to Ralph. "Okay my little diddykins," James says. "Daddy has to finish the fight right now, but Vespurfur will take you and Lenny home. I'll be back soon."
Ralph silently prayed that he was wrong and wouldn't make it back. But Ralph knew in his heart that with James' years of wrestling down children and wife beating he had the training to make it through this battle. James ran off into the battle, and Ralph was quickly grabbed by Vespurfur. Vespurfur hoisted Ralph into the air, and gave him a piggyback ride to his truck. When they finally reached the truck, instead of putting Ralph in the back seat, he opened the drivers door for the both of them. Ralph got a glimpse of Lenny unconscious in the backseat.
He placed Ralph atop his lap, however this time Ralph was facing Vespurfur, and straddling him. Ralph no longer had any energy to fight, so as Vespurfur drove home, Ralph bounced happily and daintily on his lap.
~
Once they got back from John Wall's Halls, James placed Ralph down on a bed to rest after the traumatic experience he went through. James had no intention of ever sleeping with Ralph, as he did not want Ralph at all. James, tired after all that bitch slapping, decided to take a nap in the getaway truck. He opened the truck door to see a zoinked out Lenny. James shrugged and snuggled in close. He wrapped his arms around Lenny's little boy body and pressed a kiss on the top of Lenny's head. Slowly he drifted off to sleep.
Speigenheimer and Hunter were in the other room discussing the next course of action against Cormac.
"Even though James nearly decapitated Cormac Brandy with his massive killing machine hands, Cormac is still alive. He will recover Speigenheimer, and when he does, who knows what he'll do to try and destroy us and the church." Hunter said, pacing back and forth.
"Calm down Hunter Dearie. We have time to plan for his next attack, he's gonna need several months to recover." Speigy says, ever the calm gnome.
Hunter sighed and nodded. Suddenly he hears the faint sound of a truck leaving the garage. Hunter sprints towards the sound and throws open the door, only to see a happy Geoff Dandy in the front. The red truck shines in the darkness. Hunter spots James' face in the backseat! He is banging on the window, crying for help. Geoff and Cormac had the windows reinforced with vibranium just for James.
"Help!" James cried. "Hunter! The Diddler gyatt to me!"
"James!" Hunter cries, missing his gyattless hubby already.
Hunter sees the confused and shaken form of Lenny, resting atop James's stomach. Lenny looks at a panicking James, deciding to go back to sleep instead of becoming stress relief on the way to Cormac's. It's better to be asleep when things happen.
"JAAAAMMMMMMEEEEESSSSS!" Hunter cries, tears streaming down his face. "COME BACK TO ME!"
The red truck drives out of sight, and Hunter continues sobbing. "My little sugar pizza," He whimpers. "Well, not so little. My gargantuan sugar pizza. I ordered him in an XL."
"What is it?" Westopolis asked, wearing only tighty whities and a sleeping cap. Ralph was trailing behind him, the two of them hand in hand. Ralph quite liked Westopolis' sleeping attire. Ralph was obviously drugged and delirious, otherwise he would never not ever hold hands with an almost naked NOT SWOL Westopolis.
"I lost James! Cormac kidnapped him!" Hunter cried. "Cormac is a mastermind at hiding. He could be half way across the world by now!"
Just as Hunter said that he got an Instagram notification on his phone. Hunter clicks on the notification and it takes him to James's Instagram page. There, amongst the many hunting bulldog photos was a new one. It was a picture of James sleeping next to Lenny, with the caption "The start of a new relationship." James was somewhere tropical, with a warm ray of sunlight hitting his face. Hunter stares at the photo in shock.
"We need to find him and find him now. Cormac has obviously brainwashed him." Speigenheimer says, separating Ralph and Westopolis. "What could have possibly happened to make him post that?"
~
"YOU HAVE A GYATT!" Cormac yelled, affirming James. "HUNTER DEERE NEVER TRULY APPRECIATED YOUR BOD! I THINK YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SCRUMPTIOUS! LOOK AT THAT BOMBOCLAT!"
"Let's take a pic together!" James says. He liked validation, and was easily swayed. They took a selfie and James posted it to his Instagram.
"I've never seen such a unique looking man," Cormac says, gingerly running his fingers along James' outline. "Pear body. Hunched upper back. Parallel to the floor, bridgelike neck. Sad, Eeyore-like face. Gopher grin. Beady eyes. And of course those long, skinny, Gru-like limbs, my goodness."
Cormac was very hard now.
"You're the first person in so long to notice my body," James blushes. "And not just my hands."
"Your hand size is the least interesting thing about you," Cormac says, sweetly. "Size doesn't matter to me."
"You have no idea how much that means to me," James says, tearing up a bit. Why did Hunter never speak to him like this? Why was he even with Hunter? All he had ever done was introduce him to the world of altar boys, and that was only a few. Cormac had a truckload of them arriving tomorrow. "Can I stay with you? Forever?"
"NO!" Lenny cries. Staying with Cormac, Geoff, and James seems like hell to Lenny.
"Yes you can," Cormac says to James, ignoring the young boy. He had no interest in Lenny, nor had he ever.
"I lust you," James says, gazing longingly into Cormac's eyes. He was never big on love, only lust. No one had ever truly understood that before. He had been afraid to say it to Hunter for ages.
"I lust you too," Cormac says. And for the first time in his life, James RuPaul felt seen. He felt understood. He felt homo, yet...whole.
Perhaps he really did have gyatt, as Cormac said. Only it was coming out the top of his back instead of his ass. No matter, he was unique. One of a kind. Cormac knew that.
And with the background noise, some might call it theme music, of Lenny screaming his head off and attempting to claw his eyes out, the two men share their first consensual kiss.
~
Hunter stared at the map on the table before him. After five years of watching his beloved James and that dirty bastard Cormac, he had changed from the happy go lucky and care free man to a more angry and reserved man. He had searched and searched, not stopping to take a break. Speigenheimer, Westopolis, Vesperfur, and poor Ralph had taken a lot of abuse from Hunter. He had tried normal abuse, but he did not have the skill, training, or hands of his beloved. He was weak. He was a failed abuser, and that broke his heart nearly as much as losing James.
The halls of The Beautiful Game Strip Club were no longer safe. Hunter had begun to sob on the pole in the middle of the room. Over the years Hunter had to surfer through seeing the countless photos of his beloved James and that dastardly Cormac Brandy together on Instagram. Pictures of James kissing Cormac on the cheek, and them gazing into each other's eyes surrounded by children. Hunter looked into one of the many mirrors in the strip club, and saw what was only a shell of his former self. His usual Justin Beiber hair was no more, instead it was shaggy looking, and his beard was not well kept. He was beginning to look like Chris McCandless at the end of Into The Wild.
Seething, Hunter grabs the first thing he sees and throws it at the mirror, intending to shatter it and rid himself of the horrible image in front of him. Sadly, he had grabbed a dildo, and just like with James, it bounced off. Hunter howls in frustration. Speigenheimer cautiously walks in, wearing a very serious face.
"Hunter. There is someone here to see you. He says it's urgent." Speigey says.
"Who is it?" Hunter asks, shooting a glare at the balding man-boy.
Speigenheimer shakes his head and simply gestures towards the door. Hunter frowns and walks past Speigenheimer without another word. Hunter tries to smooth his hair back as much as possible and walks into the waitroom of the club. What he sees shocks him.
"Lenny?" Hunter asks, mouth agape.
Lenny nods, hands shaking. The years had not been kind to him, life as the foot-rest for James and Cormac had not been easy or comfortable. With a shaky breath Lenny begins his story.
"After Geoff Kidnaped me and J-James we were quickly taken to some tropical island. We were blindfolded, so I didn't know where we were at all. Cormac started putting something into Jame's drinks. I don't know what exactly was being put in his drinks but it was changing him. He's so much more pasty now, and I never once saw him eat. He walks silently, much more than he did, he glides across the floor. I-I think Cormac turned James RuPaul into a vampire."
"A vampire?" Hunter asks, "Like in Twilight?"
"Cormac loved the books and movies, he wanted nothing more than to be Bella Swan, with James as Edward." Lenny says, eyes shining with the memories of the role play he was forced to witness. "The only way you can combat Cormac is to become a Werewolf. There is a ritual you can do for a quick transformation. Please Hunter Deere. Become the hunter you were meant to be."
Hunter nods, face set with grim determination.
"Let's go get my Nessie."
~
"Intermission is over," Geoff said, in a monotone, melancholy voice. "The musical will resume." He then waddled sadly offstage. Lenny, along with the crowd of altar boys all groaned collectively. In the back, he thought he might have heard screaming and loud sobbing. These musicals really were awful, however the altar boys much preferred them to being diddled. So they did not start a mass revolt and quieted down. The curtain opened, and standing on stage was Cormac in the worst wig ever. He had missed the days when he had hair, and playing Bella Swan often brought him back.
"Edwarrddddd," He sang. "Where are youuuuuu?"
Just then, James RuPaul jumped out of backstage onto a massive tree onstage. Their production budget was quite high.
"Hello there my spider monkeyyyyyyy," James sang, as he perched on a branch like a predatory bird. Since becoming a vampire a few years ago, Lenny had been simultaneously shocked to his very core and horrified at how many positions James' new agile body could take. Before he had been stiff, hardly moving except to flap his arms up and down like wings whilst his sleeves were over his hands like Ariana Grande. Now he had the same pearlike hunched figure with a concave gyatt, but moved like an agile young vampire.
"I know what you areeeeeee," Cormac belted.
"Say it," James sang.
"No," Cormac sung back, tucking his wig behind his ear in a spastic and unnatural manner.
"Say it," James sang.
"No," Cormac replied, this time biting his lip vigorously.
"Say ittttttttttt," James belted a final time.
"VAMPIREEEEEEE," Cormac belted, harmonizing with James. A Tech Crew Altar Boy then opened the skylight to the Tropical Strip Club, and a beam of sunshine shone down on James' pasty skin. That was the only thing that hadn't changed since he had become a vampire. When the altar boys talked amongst themselves, they all agreed they were grateful for that. Had he gotten any paler he would have been translucent, and they did not want to be able to see his internal organs whilst being diddled.
James' pale skin sparkled like a thousand diamonds.
"This is the skin of a killer," He sang. "Bella, you are my pillar."
"It's beautiful," Cormac said. All altar boys were thankful for the few lines of spoken dialect. The men's singing voices sounded like cats experimenting with anal.
"I can suck both blood and dick," James sang. "As a vampire, I can be nice and quick." To demonstrate, James ran a circle around Cormac. He was so fast he was a blur.
Cormac then began to stutter and blink so aggressively that a few altar boys with epilepsy fell into fits of seizure. This happened nearly every time Cormac did a Bella Swan impression. A few of the medic altar boys rushed to their side.
Just as Cormac and James moved toward one another, the most dreaded part of the musical, when Bella and Edward decided to go at it doggy style on stage, all whilst glistening in the sunlight. It was not a part of the books or movies, and was added in as a reminder of what could happen to the altar boys if these musicals did not go smoothly.
Just as the two men got into position, Lenny saw it. The door to go out to the skylight had not been fully closed. A Tech Crew Altar Boy must have not done his job. Only the most submissive and broken altar boys were allowed the skylight position. If a rebellious altar boy, with a will to live still in him were to do it, they could easily escape. Lenny looked over at it. Five years of horrible captivity. Between being used as a footstool, watching altar boys disappear around him whenever James was in need of a midnight snack, and watching this god-awful musical once a day, Lenny couldn't imagine it could get any worse. He would rather try to escape and face the consequences than continue this life he was living. Lenny tiptoed over to the door, and checking one last time to make sure James and Cormac weren't watching, (they were not, they had decided to improv today and transitioned into a healthy combination of 69ing, reverse cowboy style, and some position Lenny assumed they must have invented involving a lot of spanking) Lenny made a break for it.
Instead of turning left, toward the stairs that led to the skylight, he turned right, and ran. He saw the boat with which they had arrived on this island. He ran to it, and hopped on. He started it and began to drive away. There were other boats on the island, he knew, but the two men would not dare stop their play, this segment alone would last at least 45 minutes. Both men were incredibly horny.
Lenny got out a map and a compass, and began to look for how to get to The Beautiful Game Strip Club. He had to find Hunter Deere and the others. Only they could save the altar boys and take down Cormac once and for all.
~
Donald Knuts had been with Cormac since the beginning. He was the prized altar boy, and had the best voice. Donald didn't know freedom as he had been kidnaped at birth by Cormac. Cormac had raised Donald, giving him the best tutors for singing and human anatomy. He had perfect pitch and knew just where to hit Cormac in all the right spots. When Donald saw the little boy that had come to the island with James he knew that he had to help him. Donald watched as Lenny scuttled away from the musical. He followed little Lenny to the beach, and watched as Lenny boarded a boat.
"Hey!" Donald, or Church Boy Donny Knuts, as everyone else called him, cried out.
Lenny whipped around to face Donny, eyes wide with surprise.
"Please let me go! I might actually die if I have to witness another musical." Lenny said.
Donny nodded and said "Of course I was going to let you go sweet summer child o' mine. I just wanted to give you something before you left. Use this in your battle against Cormac."
Donald pulls a Speigenheimer and reaches deep into the back of his pants. With some difficulty he pulls out a glowing purple dildo.
"This is a magic dildo. It's how I've stayed alive next to Cormac all this time. It makes it so that no one wants to diddle you." Donald hands the dildo over and Lenny looks at it, shrugs, and pockets it.
"Um, thanks I guess." Lenny said. Donald smiled. He had never been thanked before, the only time he got close to getting thanked was when Cormac was still young and spry. After a night of fantasy role play Cormac had dismissed Donald with a "Mmm you can go blow job boy. Your services were acceptable tonight." The rest of the week Donald Knuts was absolutely euphoric. His lord daddy master had complimented him.
Lenny starts up the sea vessel and boats off into the distance. It was a treacherous Journey. He boated across the Sea of Sodomy, climbed through the Blow Job Caves, hiked into the Morning Wood Forest, and emerged into the city of Sin. From there he hitch hiked across the country. He had no money on him so he had to rely on the kindness of strangers to take him back to the Beautiful Game Club. Sometimes the strangers were not as kind and Lenny had to offer other services, as he was a poor lost boy. Much like Peter Pan's child army of little boys.
Lenny finally had made it back to the good old corn state. He thanked the driver and headed into the Beautiful Game Strip Club.
~
"Lets go get my Nessie"
Lenny nodded. He looked over at Ralph and saw that Ralph looked very happy and completely un-diddled. And that was indeed true. Ralph had lasted the five years completely diddle-free.
"So what's the first move?" asked Speigenheimer, looking between Hunter and Lenny.
"Well Master Hunter, we need to start the ritual right away," said Lenny. He led them to an empty room in the club and took a look around. Lenny breathed in the smell of home.
"First I'm going to need chalk and white paint. Lots of it." Lenny looked over at Westopolis "Go with Speigenheimer and get the Chalk and Paint." Lenny looked over at Ralph, "Ralph you've read the twilight series, you know what that abomination of a vampire girl Renesme looks like. Go find a kid that looks like her and bring her back to the club." Lenny finally turns to Hunter and says "You stay here with me, I'll explain the things you need to do during the ritual."
Everyone goes their separate ways, and after a few hours they all come back with the needed materials.
"Alright Hunter, just like I told you, stand in the middle of the circle and once I finish the prayer start howling." Lenny said. "Ralph. Good. You have the ugly little bugger, bring her here." Ralph does so and Lenny begins to chant.
"Spider Monkey gleam and glow, let the hunter's moon shine. Make the clock reverse. Bring back what once was James RuPaul. Heal what has been hurt, change the fates' design. Save what has been lost, Bring back what once was James RuPaul."
As Lenny chanted, the painted on ruins on Hunters skin began to glow, and he started to shift into a wolf.
"AWOOOOO! AWOOOO! AWOOO!" cried Hunter, throwing his head back.
Once the light began to fade Lenny threw the little girl into the circle of chalk with Hunter. Wolf Hunter saw the little girl and turned back into a human.
"Renesmee! Where have you been, Loca?" Hunter said, fully embodying Jacob from Twilight.
The little girl trembled in fear and ran out of the club.
"The ritual was a success. We have enough manpower to fight back against Cormac Brandy." Lenny said. His job was done. Soon he and Ralph would be free from this madness. These middle aged men in madness.
~
The group of men as well as the two boys traveled Lenny's journey in reverse, just like in the Barbie movie when transitioning from Barbie Land to the real world. Only on the island there were not Barbies and Kens, but priests and altar boys.
This time, while braving the journey, all men along with Lenny were protected by the aura of the magic dildo. When come upon an unkind stranger, Ralph was the one who was offered up for services.
Finally, they came upon Lenny's boat and all of them rode back to the island.
"Are you ready, my vanilla daddy master?" Ralph asked Hunter. Hunter was visibly anxious, getting even paler than usual.
"It's been so long," Hunter says. "After all these years, I'm going to see my Nessie."
They finally reach the shores of the island, and they all get off the boat.
"Does everyone remember the plan?" Speigenheimer asks, quietly. Though he was talking quietly, his popped Speigussy spoke volumes.
"Yes," Everyone says in unison. They did not all really remember the plan, but they simply wanted to get away from Speigenheimer before he started explaining it to them while intensely scratching his ass under his jeans.
"Let's go," Speigenheimer says. They all run away from the boat and into the theater. Lenny had informed them that this was the usual time for the play, which would leave Cormac and James distracted while they entered.
Lenny and Ralph blended in with the other altar boys, and went to sit in the audience. Westopolis sat in the back, as he could easily be mistaken for a young boy at a distance. Speigenheimer hid in the gender neutral bathroom, and Hunter went backstage, ready to go onstage.
Just as James and Cormac sat on a piano bench together, tenderly plunking out notes in a way that came across as neither romantic nor even comfortable, just like in the original twilight films. Just as in Breaking Dawn Part 2, Hunter stepped out onto the stage as Jacob. He saw his Nessie. He imprinted on him. Young vampires were called newborns. Hunter liked the sound of that.
Just as Jacob did, upon seeing a newborn Nessie for the first time, Hunter dropped to his knees, his lust overcoming him. James turned around, and sees his beloved.
"Hunter," He breathes, in disbelief.
"James," Hunter responds, getting to his feet. He ran to him and tried to pick him up and spin him as Jacob did to Bella in New Moon. "Where have you been loc-" But James was far to heavy for Hunter's skinny figure to pick up, and though Hunter strained, he only managed to pick James up a quarter of a centimeter before he crashed down on him. The two men fell to the floor.
"What are you doing?" Cormac cried, outraged. "James! My Edward! Get off of that bearded lady!"
Hunter yearned to protest that he was not a bearded lady, and was in fact a man, but he could not breathe with James on top of him. James finally listened to Cormac and Hunter quickly scrambled to his feet.
"How are you here?" James asked. "I thought you were gone forever."
"I tracked you down for years," Hunter confessed. "I've lost myself, the Beautiful Game Strip Club has gone to ruins, all in the search for you, my love."
"But..." James says. "You did not appreciate me for who I was. I can only lust, not love. And you could not compliment my gyatt."
"Because you have no gyatt," Hunter says. "But I accept that about you. I also accept that you are only capable of lust."
James turned and started to walk away.
"I will be like an uncle to you now," Hunter says, stopping James in his tracks. "As you grow, I'll be more like a brother. Then when you are of age...a lover."
"That is severely fucked up!" Cried a philosopher altar boy.
"How beith it that you are ableith to beith a pedoth to a full grown manith?" A Shakespearean altar boy added.
James did not listen to the cries of protest from the altar boys.
"I will be with you, Hunter." James says. "Forever."
~
Cormac was having such a good day. First he woke up beside his hubby of five years and after a morning zumba class he was ready to face the day. In the afternoon he swam with his lovely James and watched as James' horrendous feet pic by the beach. He took James to see his play production of Hunchback of Notre Dame and for lunch they had altar boy with a side of booze. In the evening he and James got ready to act out their twilight musical. Once all the stage crew altar boys were in place, and all the civilian altar boys were seated, Cormac and James began their performance. They sat together on the piano and played away. It was going wonderfully until James turned around to see Hunter Deere in the flesh. Their reunion was disturbing and angered Cormac greatly. Cormac stood up, walking over to Hunter.
"Hunter Deere, as I live and breathe." Cormac said, flashing a fake grin. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"
Hunter gathers James in his arms, struggling a bit.
"I've come to take James home." Hunter said.
Cormac turned to James, a normal sized hand outstretched.
"James. My man with a Gyatt. My gopher faced lover. My long armed, door leaning, beady eyed, pookie. I lust you, and always will. Don't let this bearded lady sway you."
James looked between Hunter and Cormac, unable to decide. Cormac took out a bag of blood and threw it at Hunter. It exploded on impact and Hunter watched as James's eyes went from normal dark brown(?) to all black. James growled and fangs emerged from his slight buck toothed mouth. James Lunged at Hunter, ready to feed. But Hunter was now a werewolf and because of the ritual his reflexes were faster. He jumped out of the way and with a howl he morphed into a large wolf. The two Twilight wannabes begin fighting. It was a violent one. Many civilian altar boys' lives were lost due to the wreckage. Team Hunter, Cormac, and Geoff, barely made it out alive.
Finally, when the dust settled, and Vesperfur had confirmed it was safe to approach them, the group slowly crept towards the two lumps that were Hunter and James. When they got closer they realized that the two lumps were in fact not James and Hunter. Just James. Hunter was trapped beneath James and was gasping for air. It took the whole group to get James off of Hunter.
Hunter was back in his original human form, and he scrambled away from James, his lungs felt worse than Ralphs.
Cormac rushed over to James's body, shaking him.
"James! James! Get up you oaf!" Cormac shreeks.
James wakes up slowly, beady eyes opened and then immediately closed. He groaned and rubbed the back of his head with one of his rotisserie chicken hands.
"What happened?" Asked James. He looked around at everyone.
~
"What do you remember?" Hunter asked.
"None of the last five years," James said. Every altar boy gasped. "I remember being kidnapped...but nothing else."
"Well, you're a vampire now," Hunter said.
"The fuck?!" Jamaes exclaimed.
"It's true," Cormac says, stepping closer to James.
"Ah!" James yells, upon seeing the grinning, badling Diddler.
"You are my hubby. Don't you remember?" Cormac asks.
"No! I don't!" James cried. "I'm in love with Hunter Deere, and no one else!"
The crowd of altar boys gasped again. Finally, a drama/rom-com they could get on board with. Very PG-13.
"You..." Hunter started. "You love me?"
"Yes," James said, looking at Hunter with his beady eyes. They were, in fact, so beady, one could probably not tell what emotion they were trying to convey. James knew it was love though.
"No!" Cormac protested. "You don't love James! You lust! And you lust me!"
"I do not!" James cried, utterly shocked that Cormac would even suggest such a thing. "You diddled me! It would be fucked up for us to fall in love!"
"He tricked you!" Hunter said. "Forced you here with the altar boys. You had no choice!"
"That sounds about right," James says.
"Wait," A voice in the crowd says, rising above the murmurs of the common altar boys. This was no ordinary altar boy, but marching up to the stage, with a burst of courage he had never felt before in his life, was Donald Knuts. It seemed he had reached his breaking point. "It was Cormac all along?"
"Yes," Hunter and James say in unison.
"Altar boys!" Donald calls. All altar boys stand up in unison, as if eagerly awaiting this moment. "Band together! This is the last time we allow the oppression and diddling of Cormac Brandy!"
There is a cry of agreement in the crowd. Knuts takes another step toward the stage.
"ALTAR BOYS!" He yells. "CHARGEEEEE!!!!!"
All the altar boys scream and run at Cormac Brandy. Cormac Brandy screams out of fear and tries to outrun the crowd. He runs to the boats, and hops on one. He drives away. The altar boys find Cormac and James' honeymoon yacht, which was big enough for all of them to fit on. They chase after him, the rest of them in tow, in a speedboat..
On the radio, Knuts speaks to the gang. "Where do you think Cormac is going?"
"We know exactly where he's going," One half of the twin act says.
"The Beautiful Game Strip Club," The gnomey other half finishes.
~
When they arrive at the Beautiful Game Strip Club, Cormac seems to be enjoying himself, dancing alone on one of the poles to "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun". Donald Knuts is the first to walk in, he was asked to scope out the scene. When he sees Brandy, he lets out a violent war cry and charges at the old man. The altar boys outside hear the cry, and so many of them try to charge the building at once, that it is completely destroyed. The building falls to ruins, incapacitating Cormac. Once he is on the ground, the boys start beating him with their small but mighty fists. After an hour of this, and many an altar boy using him as a trampoline, Cormac Brandy takes his last breath.
"Cormac Brandy is dead," Hunter Deere says, turning to his hubby. "Let's go get married, pookie."
~
The wedding was grand. James and Hunter had forced every single altar boy to come to the wedding, as well as the trusty gang of strip club employees. After the Beautiful Game Strip Club was destroyed, James and Hunter opened a new club. They called it Viagra On Legs. Hunter stood at the altar and watched as Ralph the flower boy laid a path of lily petals. James walked down the aisle, he wore a beautiful floor length white gown.
"Is the bride pregnant?" asked one of the civilian altar boys to another.
"No, I don't think so. I think that's just his stomach. I would ask Lenny though, when the two of them were kidnaped Lenny had been taking a nap on Master James' stomach."The other boy replied. The two boys looked to the front of the room and continued to watch the ceremony.
"James, do you take Hunter Deere to be your lawfully wedded husband?" The priest asked. He had been freed from prison to marry the two, and looked much happier now that he was surrounded by all the altar boys he had lost. He winked at Jerome and Felix, who were chained to two poles. They were James and Hunter's dessert. Just like a wedding cake, James and Hunter would take turns feeding the boys to each other.
At the couple's first dance, Ralph was asked to dance between them. He bounced around, trying to get away from whatever was poking him on Hunter's side, onto James' stomach, then back to Hunter. He bounced around like a pinball until Cardi B's "WAP" ended. Once James was done with Ralph he grabbed Lenny and provided to grab his face with both hands and nuzzle each other's noses together. He placed a kiss upon Lenny's lips. Lenny screamed but it was no use. He was pulled into a brutal makeout session with James. He almost passed out from lack of air. James slowly took his shirt off. Hunter followed in suit. Together they slowly danced with Lenny squished in the middle of the two shirtless men. Lenny was facing James. They then let Lenny go, out of his misery. They then do the garter tradition on Ralph. After they've done that, they then force Ralph to do it to the bride. Ralph reaches up James' skirt and grabs it. They got bored after a minute or two, and moved back to Lenny, is what Ralph told himself. Really he was eternally under James' massive skirt that had to house the entirety of his being. James got bored of Ralph again and decided to feel Lenny up. Diddle station was the only place Lenny was going.
"Oh lenny," James said. "Come do anal with me. I want to top for once. I've had practice with Cormac. And I brought a bag of marshmallows."
"Nay!" Lenny protested. "Ralph is much better for that."
"Oh yes, you're right," James said, grabbing Ralph, who was sobbing on the floor after the garter thing. James went back to his old ways, and pulled a Jerome on Ralph.
Hunter saw that Lenny was feeling left out, and decided to join in on th fun, forcing Lenny to go with him. He started a foursome but really it was only a threesome because Ralph was left forgotten. Ralph managed to escape the wedding, fully clothed and only a little of his dignity gone. Although, it could very well be all a dream, and Ralph was really still under James. Those seven inches in him...forever.
Lenny stayed in the embrace of Hunter and James. Squished between them in Viagra on Legs Strip Club. Dick, or his full name, Dick Fettuccine-Alfredo Carbenera Leenintowahofpizuh Pizza Dahandting Mafia Godfather Al Pacino made pasta for the after party. All were happy

THE END