Shadow

The world before my eyes is shrouded in fog. The swathes weave themselves into an infinitely dense net and I can only see the outlines of my surroundings. Something whispers from afar, calls my name and seems to speak my language, but I don't understand it. I think I am on a path whose beginning and end I cannot recognize. From a distance, I hear a hiss, then a soft tap and rustle. My legs start to move, I have to find the exit. The further I walk, the less certain I am about the nature of this place. Where is left? Right? Up or down? Every now and then the fog takes shape. A wolf pouncing on a flock of sheep. A hole that opens briefly and then closes again. A burning house that collapses and is rebuilt; hundreds of deep red shrimps bursting out of the interior and causing the house to explode. And then the tapping behind me again. Voices in the fog around me, excitedly discussing something and then a scream that clears the fog. Me, on a path, and around me nothing but darkness, no objects and no nature. Everything is dead. I am alone.

It's as if someone has placed iron bars on my back and is pressing me to the floor when I feel the presence. Something is behind me. And even before I turn around, I realize that the whispering has disappeared.

It has no shape. It looms over me like a large moving blob. No sounds emanate from it. I run and the thing chases after me. It takes on different shapes, sometimes leaning far over me or seeming to run under me like a puddle while it reaches for me with thousands of arms. I run, run away; from a shadow. A clenched something of pure darkness that sits in the deepest corners of my mind during the day, only to sink its claws deep into my flesh at night; then, when I am most defenseless, when I least expect it, it tries to grab me. I don't want to be easy prey, so I run. It has no face, its entire form is absolute blackness. What gets sucked in never comes out. Is there any point in running, or was I already lost the moment it took up residence in my head?

I had welcomed it like a friend, wanting my thoughts to be smothered in a haze of blackness, and it had feasted on me. Every disappointment, every rejection, every failure had fed it. But not because it was malicious, but because I had accepted it as part of who I was. Voluntarily.

I run and take a look behind me. It has disappeared. My heart is racing and my breathing is irregular. "It's over, you've escaped," I say to myself, closing my eyes. When I open them again, I stare into the grimace of darkness. Without actively realizing it, I succumb to the shadow's embrace, I lose control of my body and fall. Fall into the darkness around me. Where is left? To the right? Up or down? This ravine has no bottom and I fall.

When I wake up, I know that I must have reached the bottom of the gorge. Nothing seems to be able to break the calm I feel. Underneath me is my bed and behind me my desk. And in front of me is the door. It is open. Completely open. Why? Why is it open? It should be... closed. I never sleep with the door open. And suddenly I realize that I'm alone. Trapped. The shadow lies on top of me, hugging me, getting heavier and heavier with every second, squeezing all the air out of my lungs. I struggle for breath. How could it accompany me into this world? Wild thoughts emerge and I realize I'm panicking. I fight against it, push it away from me, flail my arms wildly, but it doesn't move a muscle. No, on the contrary, it absorbs the energy I give off to become even bigger, because I don't move at all. I am paralyzed. My fight against the shadow was pure imagination, an illusion. I want to scream. It's a scream into the void, a scream that doesn't reach anywhere, that was never sent out, because I can't feel my body. The mattress has become soaked with blackness and I scream. The door is open. Why can't anyone hear me? Help me! Can't you see how I'm fighting against it? Another scream into the void and then I give up. The shadow is right to take me into its embrace. It's not worth it. I am not worth it. No one is coming to help me. After all, I have invited the shadow to me, welcomed him as a friend. It is he who will help me, who will take me with him, who will show me a life without suffering. I no longer fight against it.

Silence around me. Nothing happens, even though I was ready to follow the shadow everywhere. The pressure on my chest releases and I breathe freely. I open my eyes and there he is, sitting on the edge of my bed, wide-eyed and gasping for air himself. "Did you have a nightmare?" he asks, "You kept opening and closing your mouth and eyes." "Yes... no, there was this shadow on me" I say and look around the room. Everything as usual. "A shadow? You screamed so loudly that I woke up." "I'm sorry" I say. He climbs into bed with me and kisses me. I lie with my back to him. We lie like that for a while and I think he's already fallen asleep when he puts his arm around me. I start to breathe heavily. Panic rises inside me and my thoughts fly around. Fog. A path below me and a whisper from the distance, a burning house collapsing and being rebuilt; hundreds of deep red shrimps bursting out of the interior and causing the house to explode. His arm begins to sink into me and envelop me.

I don't have a boyfriend, I live alone.