When it All Feels Impossible

Chapter One

When it All Feels Impossible - CH1

TW- Suicidal/depression

Andy was tired. She was just so tired. She was tired of losing people, she was tired of hurting. It’s been blow after blow these last several years.

Ryan dying in her arms. Sullivan and her drama. Her dad died from saving her and the people at 19. Dean died from an explosion. Jack had injured out. Theo resigned. And now she was attending Morris’ funeral.

Andy sighed and looked around her 19 family. They all looked devastated and while she was too, she felt like she could’ve done better. She kept thinking about how Travis said Hughes should’ve been on the call with them. That she may have been able to talk Morris out of his tent before the propane tanks exploded. She didn’t know how to help them through this when she was a struggling mess herself. She has been struggling since becoming captain. Her mental health was all over the place.

It seemed like hours later when they were wrapping up Morris’ funeral and Andy snuck away from the group. She walked through the cemetery for minutes before reaching the gravestone she was looking for. 

Ryan Tanner

Andy teared up. It had been years since she watched her best friend die in her arms, shot by a child too young to know the damage that had been caused by his actions.

“Ryan… I don’t know what the hell to do anymore.” Andy started, a tear falling down her cheek. “I finally got captain, but I can’t even be happy because everyone is leaving, we’re in budget hell right now and I can’t figure out a solution.” Andy gulped, trying to swallow back a sob she could feel forming. “Ry, I wish you were still here. I- I can’t keep this up anymore.” Andy admitted. “I told Robert after he got arrested that I felt brittle. That I felt like a strong wind could break me.” Andy paused. “I- since I left Robert I’ve felt so fucking horrible. I felt like a fucking idiot after a couple of weeks and by then I felt like I couldn’t fix what I had broken. Robert deserved so much better than how I treated him, and I am so glad he’s found happiness with Ross.” Andy paused and let out a sob. “Ryan, you know how in high school I went through that dark period? The time when I was so depressed, so self-loathing that I couldn’t handle things anymore and resorted to harming myself?” Andy let the question hang in the air for a moment while letting out another sob and sinking to the ground, not caring that her class A’s were getting dirty right now. “I started to do it again. The self-loathing that turned into self-hatred that turned into self-harming.” Andy brought her knees up to her chin. “I’m so ashamed. I don’t get why I’m so fucking weak when I finally have what I’ve wanted since you helped me to realize it. That I wanted captain. That I wanted to lead 19, not because I thought it was my legacy or thought that I should take over for my dad, but because you knew I was good enough for a promotion. You gave me the spark I had up until this last year, Ry.” Andy let out another sob. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t fucking know what to do.” Andy’s sobs took over and her body was shaking uncontrollably. “I can’t keep going. I…I know I’ll be considered a coward. Considered a horrible person. Considered weak but I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t take the constant blows anymore. I’m done, Ry.” Andy shook her head. “I’m just done. I can’t do it anymore. I just want to go back to my apartment and fucking end it.” Andy said, sobs continuing to rack her body.

The team, Theo, Jack, and Ross had seen Andy turn and walk away even though she thought she had been slick. Robert and Jack looked at each other, knowing that she had gone to Ryan or Pruitt’s grave. They decided to go to Ryan’s first and when they saw Andy they breathed a sigh of relief, glad they knew where she was and that she didn’t just wander off. That relief however disappeared the moment they heard what she was saying.

Everyone looked at each other. Shock reflected on each of their faces. Vic was the first one to recover. Vic turned to the group.

“Alright, I really don’t think all of us should go over to her right now but…” Vic got cut off.

“Oh, shit.” Andy had stood up, turned around, and saw all of them watching her. “I- Um…” Andy’s mouth opened and closed, not knowing what to say.

“No.” Vic stopped her, walked closer to her and waved off the rest of the group, silently asking them to leave the two of them alone. “We need to talk.”

Andy nodded and Vic led her over to a bench. It was silent between the two of them for what seemed like forever when Vic finally found her voice.

“Andy… I don’t know how we missed the signs. I don’t know how we missed you struggling. I don’t know how I missed the signs when I was the one who noticed Beckett was thinking about killing himself those short few months ago.” Vic watched Andy cringe. “Andy, when we did the hotwash and a critical incident stress debriefing I said that nothing had to be held in. Even I broke down.” Vic paused and risked grabbing Andy’s hand. “What made you think that you couldn’t break down in front of us? Let us know what was going on. We’re family, Andy. you can always trust us.”

Andy sighed and ran a hand over her head. “To be honest, since I’ve been back at 19 it feels like everyone had their own connection with someone and I didn’t know if I could turn to anyone. Since becoming captain, I felt like I needed to be a rock to everyone but then the blows kept coming.” Andy sighed again. “Jack injured out. The mayor screwed us over with the budget and then Theo came and resigned. Just to try to help. I just… all of those events have brought me to a breaking point but ever since Ryan’s death I’ve been a mess. Yeah, I’ve had some good times, great times even, but I was only able to actually enjoy being captain for like two hours before I got thrown into leading everyone through the floor collapse.” Andy told her and tears started to fall down her cheeks. She thought she would be out of tears by now, but they kept coming.

“Andy, let’s head back to the station, okay? We can talk more there.” Andy just nodded, took Vic’s hand and headed back to the van that she, Vic, Travis, Jack and Maya had gone to the cemetery in and didn’t say a word to anyone as she got in. Vic led her to the back of the van where she was sat between her and Maya. Both Maya and Vic held her hands. Not knowing what to say, but both wanted to show that Andy had their support.

It was 15 minutes later that they arrived back at the station.

“Everyone go get changed and meet in the lounge,” Ross ordered. Everyone nodded and they all went to get changed. Andy was the first one to get changed and was in the lounge first, deciding to sit in the recliner under the TV.

Andy sighed and ran a hand through her hair. As she did Jack, Theo and Ross walked in. They stood by the piano. Watching Andy curl up in the recliner with a blanket while waiting for the others to come in.

Maya, Vic and Travis sat on the couch near Andy. Robert and Ben sat on the other recliners and Beckett stayed standing.

No one knew what to say. Andy was looking down, scratching the back of her hand roughly when Vic saw and reached out to try to stop Andy from harming herself. Andy’s head snapped up.

“Sorry. I’m sorry.”

This was going to be a one-shot, but I want to dig deeper into Andy’s thoughts and emotions, and I don’t think writing a long-ass one-shot is the way to do that. Thank you for reading.