In Her Wake

Chapter Three

When Esme arrived back at the hospital, she checked in this time instead of sneaking in. The receptionist was actually really nice. Esme knocked lightly at the door, waiting until she heard Juliette call out letting her know she could come in. Esme stepped back into the sterile hospital room cautiously. She found Juliette lying on the bed, her eyes tired and red from tears. She'd been crying? Also, more importantly, where were Shelby and Micheal?

"Hey Jules," she started softly, "I noticed Shelby and Michael weren't here when I returned. Where did they go?" Juliette's gaze flickered away for a moment before meeting Esme's worried eyes. "Finally convinced them to go and grab some food, I don't think I can sit another minute with Michael looking at me like I'll break any second," she replied, her voice filled with exhaustion and a little husky from crying.

Esme wanted to ask about it but if Juliette didn't want to talk about what happened she'd drop it. Esme understood not wanting to talk about it, for the same twisted reason. She'd rather her overdose be just some shitty thing that had happened and nothing more, but it wasn't.

The air was thick with unspoken words, waiting to be released. In that quiet moment, Esme gathered her thoughts and gently asked, "Juliette... why? Why did you do it?"

Juliette straightened up and turned to face Esme, glaring at her. The fire reflected in her eyes, hateful, their usual kindness burning with it. Esme gulped when she saw her straight-on, but she tried to look through it. Juliette was afraid, she was lashing out -Esme did that sometimes. Her hand squeezed Juliette's. Sometimes it feels that's her only line of defense.

"I'm not judging. Swear, I'm just asking 'cause you're my friend a-and I wanna know what's going on. Plus it's not like I have room to judge either way." Esme's eyes traveled down to their joined hands. As they hesitated back up, Juliette's became softer.

Esme pulled up a chair closer to the bed, maybe Juliette would open up if she did. Make her more comfortable if she thought Esme would understand. "I've tried to. The first time I tried to jump, but Emma and Penny stopped me. Emma could've died with me that day... I'll never not feel guilty for that" Juliette frowned, she looked like she wanted to say something but Esme didn't want to talk about that yet. Esme gave Juliette a look she hoped would tell her, 'That's a story for another time,' and it did because Juliette nodded.

"But, I've overdosed too, while not necessarily intentionally, I have. I was in a coma for a few days after that. When I was in the hospital after, Emma fell asleep in a chair next to the hospital bed with their head on the bed and their hand under mine so they could feel if there was any movement. Even when my mom tried to get her to go home and sleep and shower, they refused to leave because he wanted to make sure that I knew that she was there." Esme felt a smile twitch her lips, she was immensely grateful for her friends.

It was surprisingly easy to tell Juliette about it. She wasn't scared or ashamed. Well, in a way, she was. Esme was always scared and ashamed of what happened that day. But saying it out loud didn't make her want to chop her tongue off, which was progress. The push worked because Juliette began to talk.

Esme sat quietly, waiting for Juliette to continue. The silence stretched, heavy with the weight of unspoken words. She could see the struggle on Juliette's face, the way her eyes darted around the room, searching for the right way to express what she was feeling.

"Juliette," Esme said gently, "whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm here for you. I want to understand." Juliette took a deep breath, her shoulders trembling slightly. "There's always been something wrong with me. I can't communicate like all the other kids, or I'm not skinny enough, or it's the way I want to... Nevermind."

Esme squeezed Juliette's hand, encouraging her to continue. "You can say it. No judgment, remember?"

Juliette's eyes filled with tears, but she pressed on. "It's the way I want to love, Esme. I know it's not right, and it scares me. All my life, I've been told how I should feel, and how I should act, and I've tried so hard to fit into that. But it never feels right. And then... and then there's you. And I don't know what to do with all-" Juliette couldn't say it, but Esme's heart skipped a beat.