The thing about nightmares is that you can dwell in them even when your awake. It's an awful feeling. Even as the drugs pumped through her veins it was never enough to propel her out of that inescapable feeling of dread. Was this her eternity? To be in constant pursuit of feeling anything remotely close to happy never actually reaching the destination. None of us get of scot free though she always pondered why there were those whom were personally handed a bit of extra mayhem in life.
She was a believer. The teachings every Sunday summarizing all the ways Satan could persuade you to doubt God and so the preacher would shout, "Not today Satan!" and the congregation would return an "Amen!". In this instance Alitta believed she was playing the devil 1 v 1 and he may have scored a few dozen points on her in the game of life.
Trying her best to never question because God only gave his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. However, she called bullshit on that. I mean really called bullshit. She understood the all encompassing need for people to try to find consolation for themselves and others but were there truly no other ways to rationalize our adversities?
She scrolled her phone watching reels of people living the high life. Some by simply opening their legs. Her refusal to do so and the impending moments after left her with a lifetime of trauma. It was an interesting space to be in. She had friends who used their talents and body parts as a bartering system but none of them were vacationing on yachts or leaving the country to prance around on soft white sand. No, her friends were on the corner of a dingy littered street in their best clothing that had the least amount of stains and tears trying to be as inconspicuous as possible with arms riddled with needle marks.
"Were you one of those girls that you mentioned? The ones on the corner?" He asked, his heart slightly pounding in his chest.
They were half way through their hour long session and Alitta finally shifted her gaze to meet Dr. Graham's for the first time. She shook her head no, "I thought about it though. For whatever reason you tend to develop a certain mentality once you've been...you know." She could never say the words out loud, "some people do anyway," she corrected.
Cocking his head to one side Aubrey jotted down notes before asking, "What mentality do you feel you developed?"
She was quiet for a time. He allowed her to be. They were two months post hug gate and this had been the most open and vulnerable she had ever been with him and regardless of his previous conversation with Chubbs, he believed his offer of affection was working and that helping her was worth the risks that may lie ahead.
"I suppose worthlessness. That...that it's all someone...anyone wants from me. So why not just give it to them and make some money in the process. At least it would be my decision but like I said.. I never got into it."
Aubrey nodded his head in understanding at her logic regardless of how skewed he felt it was, "Alitta...the..." he sighed in frustration at himself, wanting to word his thoughts properly, "Deeming yourself worthless, which you are not mind you and being out on that corner...its an illusion of freedom. A lot of those women answer to something...drugs, a means to fund their habit. To someone and the money they "make" it's funding that persons lifestyle. In those instances there is no true autonomy over oneself. Even the women you say you see living it up on social media. Anything can be made glamours and glittering when you have the ability to edit out all the bad...the shadows. As you said, shadows follow everyone. No one escapes."
Alitta placed her focus on his glittering watch. Even with the shades drawn it shined. He usually made it a rule to not come work overly flashy. He wanted to appeal to his clients. That he was one of them- a human being and that he cared. He wasn't just for the substantial paycheck he earned. "What shadows follow you?"
He lightly cleared his throat and the sound alone brought Alitta back to the present. Again he offered her that smile she loved, the one she liked to pretend only she was capable of putting on his face. She sighed deeply, unsure if it was from the longing she felt that only intensified when he had hugged her or in regard to her present outcome in life.
"Is there anything else you would like to briefly discuss before we finish up our session?" He double checked the hour on his watch to verify there would be time.
Holding his gaze she shook her head no.
He set his notes on the end table and leaned forward taking her hand in his. His chair placement was rather close to the couch, his scent was intoxicating. Her mind roamed to depths that it shouldn't have because of it.
While she seemed distracted he slyly he turned her hands so that her inner elbows had shown and quickly scanned for marks. This discussion he had bypassed her remarks about drug usage which seemed to be a thing of the past as no markings showed. He lightly squeezed her hands and thanked her for her vulnerability and for trusting him with it.
