Love & Paint

Prologue

Everyone makes it seem like you'll have everything figured out after college. 

You'll spend thousands and thousands of dollars to go to a place that will give you all the necessary tools and knowledge to walk right into the job of your dreams. You will rise to the top and have all the money and success you could ever possibly dream of. You can have everything you desire for your career as long as you have a resume, a portfolio and the ability to network.

Long story short... that is a load of bullshit. 

Here I am at twenty-three years old, working as a waitress at a "fine dining" restaurant to where people take their snobby dates in an effort to radiate their power and wealth by showing they can afford a seventy-five dollar filet mignon. This, however, usually only results in a bill that costs their entire paycheck, and a generous "you can keep the change" tip that's actually a lousy five dollar bill.

I went to school with a dream to be an artist. Little did I know that going to school and being forced to create things with nearly impossible deadlines made me lose my creativity and passion for doing the thing I once loved most. The other thing is, everyone I went to school with is too damn good at it and maintained that passion all the way through. I dread every thought of picking up a pencil or paintbrush now. So now I'm here, as an underpaid servant to people who can't cook their own meals, while I try to either get that spark back in my life, or find a new path to take.

I'd like to think I'm a good artist... really good, in fact. Even though I know I shouldn't, I'm constantly comparing myself to others. Like I said, my classmates were all fantastic artists; their skills and ideas just seemed to come so naturally and effortlessly to them. They never seemed to burn out, whereas I felt like there was never a moment where I wasn't burnt out.

Maybe that means I never would've made it as an artist anyway. I wouldn't have what it takes in such a competitive industry. I think I could still enjoy it as a hobby one day and take on small projects here and there. One of my favorites is a huge jellyfish drawing I did for the hospital near my home. I've walked through that hospital many times, but still haven't been able to locate it, since, there are what seems like hundreds of wings that are completely lined with artwork.

But enough of that, let's talk about the many other shitty aspects of my life right now. You're probably thinking, "Oh my God, Sabrina. You're such a whiner, stop complaining about everything and acting like a little bitch." And honestly, you're right. I am a whiner, I know I have it a lot better than others, but let me just whine a little bit longer so I don't bottle up all my feelings and end up snapping and yelling at a random little kid with a sticky, food-crusted face and fingers trying to touch my phone while I play Pokemon GO on a park bench... not that that... actually happened or anything. Anyway...

I also just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years, who was a piece of shit the entire time. Gaslighter, sexual coercer, emotional manipulator... you know, that type. I know I should've left a lot sooner, okay? I'm dumb; I know that now. So now here I am, free as a bird- single for the first time since high school, just now with much more emotional trauma.

I'm sure moving to a place like New York City or Los Angeles would help to give me a lot more job opportunities as an artist, but my family lives here in Phoenix, and I am also terrified of change. Also, I am terrified of bankruptcy. So, I have a small apartment here in the city, which I honestly really love. It's not fancy (even though it pretty much costs an arm and a leg); it's extremely small and a bit shabby, but to me, it's home. My favorite part is the view of the city I get at night. The lights of all the massive buildings twinkle like stars, and the streets are full of buzzing life and excitement. I can hear the whooshing sounds of the light rail, the bubbling joy of laughter as people walk home from spending way too much money on drinks, and car horns from people who think that honking will magically make all traffic disappear. I adore it.

I think my parents are worried about me. They think I need to get out and make friends, but the truth is, I think I'm mostly happy. For now, at least. I like spending my nights in my bed overlooking the city, with a good book and my cat, Miso, curled up on my lap.

So, for now, I will continue on as I have been. Nothing is gonna change that, right?