Shadow And Smile

chapter 3

I couldn't stop looking at Shane; she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her long, dark hair cascaded over her shoulders, and her eyes sparkled with an intelligence that captivated me. When class started, I opened my diary and began recording every detail of my life. It was my way of coping with the loneliness and the constant bullying.

During lunchtime, I ate alone while listening to music. The cafeteria was bustling with chatter and laughter, but I was in my own world, trying to block out the noise. Suddenly, someone purposely knocked over my lunchbox. It was Kyle, the school bully, and his gang. He sneered, "Wow, you are so poor. Even your clothes look old and garbage-like. Eat that food like a street dog because you stink." His words cut deep because they were partly true. My family struggled financially, and my worn-out clothes and lack of hygiene made me an easy target. Everyone kept their distance from me because of my smell.

Feeling humiliated, I moved to a seat where no one was sitting beside me. When class finally ended, I gathered my stuff and left quickly, not wanting to face any more ridicule. I walked home, listening to music to drown out my thoughts. As I walked through the park, I suddenly felt a rough hand pull me back. It was Kyle again. He pushed me hard and taunted, "Oh, a homeless guy who begs for food. How pathetic." His friends laughed along with him. Anger surged through me, and before I could think, I punched Kyle in the face.

The retaliation was swift. Kyle’s two friends grabbed my arms, holding me in place while Kyle punched me in the stomach and face repeatedly. I fell to the ground, and they started kicking me over and over. I curled into a ball, trying to protect myself, but the pain was overwhelming. Just when I thought it would never end, someone shouted, "Stop!" Kyle and his friends ran off, leaving me battered and bruised.

Through my tears, I saw Shane running towards me. She knelt down and hugged me while I sobbed uncontrollably. Her presence was comforting, but I felt ashamed. "I'm okay," I said with a fake smile, trying to hide the pain. She helped me stand, and I limped home, each step sending waves of agony through my body. When I finally got home, my mother saw me and gasped. "Why is your uniform so dirty? What happened to you?" she asked, concern etched on her face. "I slipped on the road," I lied, forcing a smile. I went straight to my room and cried until I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up feeling hungry. I dragged myself out of bed and went to the kitchen to cook breakfast for my family. After eating, I cleaned the front yard and the kitchen, trying to distract myself from the pain and sadness. By the time I finished, I was exhausted. My mom had left for work, and my siblings were at school, leaving me alone in the house. I decided to go outside for a walk and ended up at an old, abandoned mine.

Sitting there, the memories of all the bullying and pain came flooding back. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I was so tired of smiling, so tired of pretending everything was okay. I noticed a blade lying nearby and, in a moment of despair, I began to slice my arm. The physical pain was a distraction from the emotional agony. Just as I made the fourth cut, a girl grabbed my hand and slapped me hard. It was Sheila, my friend. "Don't do that! You’ll only make things worse," she said firmly. She bandaged my wounds and hugged me tightly as I cried, pouring out all my pain and frustration.

Sheila stayed with me until I calmed down. "Do you want to come to the park with me?" she asked. "No, I don't have any money," I replied, feeling embarrassed. "Let's watch a movie at my house instead," she suggested. Since her parents were not home, I agreed. We watched a movie together, and for a while, I felt a bit of normalcy returning.

After a while, Sheila went to the bathroom. When she came out, she was wrapped in a towel, her hair wet from the shower. She took my hand and led me to her room. "Sit here," she said, and I obeyed, feeling nervous. She started dancing slowly and removed her towel, revealing her body. I closed my eyes and asked her to get dressed, feeling confused and scared. She kissed me deeply, and we ended up on her bed. It was my first kiss, and everything felt surreal. She wanted me to touch her, and I hesitated before eventually stopping and leaving the room. I knew Sheila didn't see me as more than a little brother; she was 16, and I was only 15.

I walked home, my mind a whirl of emotions. The days that followed were a blur. Each day seemed to blend into the next, filled with the same pain and struggles. But I clung to the small moments of kindness, like the time Shane helped me or Sheila’s comforting presence. Those moments gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, things could get better.

Months had passed, and I had been longing to tell Shane about my feelings. Today was the day I would finally do it. Early in the morning, I took a bath and put on my school uniform. I told my mother that I was heading to school, and she handed me my allowance of 30 pesos. Before leaving, I grabbed my savings jar and was delighted to see that I had saved up 500 pesos. I used the money to buy chocolates and a bouquet of roses for Shane.

I took an early ride to school and arrived at 4:30 am, eager and anxious. I waited for Shane, my heart pounding with anticipation. When she finally arrived, the first rays of the sun casting a warm glow on her, we walked together into the classroom. I turned to her and said, "Shane, can I have a minute of your time?"

"Yeah, sure. What's up, Jeon?" she asked with a curious smile.

Taking a deep breath, I began, "Shane, I have something important to tell you. Since the first day of class, I haven't been able to take my eyes off your beauty. Over time, I've fallen in love with you." I handed her the roses and chocolates, my hands trembling. "Shane, will you be my girlfriend?" I asked, my voice shaking with nervousness.

Shane looked at me with a mixture of surprise and compassion. "Oh, Jeon, I'm so grateful for your effort and your sweetness. You're a wonderful person, but I can't be in a relationship right now. My family is very strict, and they wouldn't allow it. Besides, I see you as more than just a friend; to me, you're like a sweet brother. I'm really sorry."

Her words felt like a dagger to my heart. The months of effort and anticipation crumbled in an instant. Fighting back tears, I forced a smile and said, "Ah, thank you, Shane, for everything you've done for me."

With that, I walked away, trying to maintain my composure. My heart was heavy, but I knew I had to respect her feelings. Even though I felt broken inside, I was grateful for the friendship we shared and the moments of happiness she had brought into my life.