Maybe one day...

Anna 2

July 1988

You walk through the ward, in a hurry.

You're trying to get there on time despite the fact that shift time started at least half an hour ago.

You curse yourself.

You turn the corner going up the stairs.

You freeze.

You want to take the lift,

but then you think that you're not consuming enough,

that you had to eat more that morning because otherwise you would have fainted in the hall like the day before.

Then the sound of doors opening wakes you up.

As if it were waiting for you.

You go up.

Shaking your head,

you press the button to go up

and wait, you see the doors slowly closing.

Then a hand reaches between the plates.

-Sorry- he says as he enters.

You stare at it.

You remain speechless.

He does not seem to have recognised you.

He turns smiling and then understands.

He swallows and you see his awe.

-Hello- greetings

-Hello- he says

-You look well- you say smiling at him,

trying to mask the pain that like a blade has reopened your heart.

Suddenly you are back to three months earlier.

-I can't say the same about you-.

He whispers.

He looks at you.

He scrutinises you.

He stares at your bare arms full of faded cuts.

-You've lost weight- he adds slowly

-I am fine-

You lie.

He grimaces slightly.

-That's not true Anna-.

You roll your eyes in frustration.

-What do you want me to say?

That everything is going wrong? That I faint in the operating room? That I cry every night? What, what do you want to hear?

You shout angrily and he seems affected by those words.

As if you had slapped him in the face.

-I'm sorry- he says instead.

You nod.

-You chose her and not me, there's nothing to be sorry about-.

You mumble waiting for that vehicle to take you to the top floor.

-I fucked up-.

You smile.

-You did it- you whisper.

-It was the wrong time- he says placidly.

You don't dare breathe.

You know the tears are stinging your eyes.

You know that if you open your mouth you won't stop.

-You want to start again? -he asks looking at you.

Tears run down your cheeks

-No, Anna please- he adds stepping closer and wiping away your tears as he had done a million times.

-Please- you sob.

Trying to take a step back

-Please- you repeat as your breath fails you.

-I'm so sorry- he whispers holding you close.

And you collapse into his arms.

-Please let's start again, let's try again, give me this chance- he asks against your ear.

-You killed me- you stutter.

-I know.

Please let me make it right this time-

-All right- you just say.

He looks at you.

His green eyes as shiny as yours.

Then he leans down and kisses you.