A Different Outcome

⚠️Chapter Five: There Must Be Dark Before Light

TW FOR SELF HARM AND DISSOCIATION

Loki POV || THE NEXT DAY

When I wake up and Thor is not there, and I am alone in a hospital bed, my mind goes to a dark place. 

I'm assaulted by images of the Void, Thanos chaining me to a rock, torturing me, laughing as I whimper and cry out for Thor, Mother, even Father, Sif, my children, even Heimdall to save me. I'm reminded of when the mind control was lifted, and I was left to realize what I'd done, after Hulk smashed me into the floor. 

"Mr. Odinson, breakfast is in fifteen minutes." 

I jump at hearing the human speak. She is leaving before I can even see her. I bite my lips at hearing the misgendering. I tell myself, "Get over it, don't be a quim about it. Come on."

But try as I might, after having Thor with me nearly all day the day before, it stings to be reminded very few truly respect my gender identity. Beginning to feel overwhelmed, I climb out of bed, swaying a bit before I stare at the wall, clenching and unclenching my fists. My gaze moves to the window, where I can see very thick glass, too deep to break. 

Out of morbid curiosity, I pick up the papers on the desk. My eyes scan the words, some jumping out to me. Dissociation, panic attacks, trauma, passive influence.

I set the papers down, my mind spinning and struggling to make sense of the new words. No, I know this. I really do. Or...or maybe I don't.

I hear buzzing, and I hasten to the window, suspicious and using my magic to check for possible Stark technology until I see the source: two small bees on the windowsill, mating. Intrigued and amused, I lean against the desk, resting my head on my hands, watching the two get at it. 

The male bee, slightly larger, dominates the smaller female bee. I watch in morbid fascination as the male bee climbs on top of the female bee, little legs scrambling. For what, I've no idea. In a surprise turn of events, the male bee begins to get aggressive, and before I can stop him, he's dragging the other insect along, despite her protesting. She gets more and more upset, even buzzing, but he ignores her. I follow them, gasping when he hurls her off the desk, ignoring her incessant pleas. Gritting my teeth, I smash my hand right where the male bee is sitting, twirling his antennae. But he vanishes in a glimmer of green seidr. I gasp and stare at the female bee, who is also vanishing in the same manner. 

Across the room, I spot a mirror. I teleport over, panting as I stare at myself. A wide eyed frost giant stares back at me. I grip the counter, hoping to quell my shaking hands as I analyze my own reflection. Red eyes bore into mine, terrified. No, no, no. That is a monster. That is a monster!

Hearing myself hyperventilate, I look down at my hands, my exposed arms. Blue. I'm blue. The monster...it's real. I truly am a frost giant.

I summon my seidr, closing my eyes. When I open them again, the magic is already fading. Whimpering, I try again. "No, no, NO!"

Hitting my fist on the counter, I try again, and again, and again. But I still turn back to my frost giant form, no matter how hard I try. With a scream, my seidr destroys the mirror in front of me. The counter cracks, water shoots from the faucet, and glass flies at me. I grab large shards, the sharp edges drawing blood from my hands. 

A hand grabs my arm, and they are flung away by out of control glimmers of green. I press the largest glass shard against my neck, right against a vein. The human stands up, hands raised in a pathetic gesture of peace. He presses something on his ear. "I need backup! Room 10 is-"

I kick the human, and suddenly, I am surrounded. The silver haired human, dressed in a suit and wearing a little headset in his ear, resumes his raised hands in surrender. "Loki. We mean no harm. Drop the glass."