Fear

19 • Losing Control

I sat alone in my office, mulling over everything, my hands clasped in front of me. Papers were strewn across my desk in disarray, and the coffee that I'd ordered hours ago was still there, cold, but my focus was elsewhere.

Shaky hands reached for a vial of the drug. I called it IPD. I didn't understand it fully, but I considered it necessary-something that held a grip over me yet kept me grounded and prevented my mind from wandering into dangerous territory.

I was scared - terrified, even. Not of the Act, but of what it meant, what it did to me. Fear filled me to my core, and that's what I feared most.

The door creaked open, and Sam walked in, a concerned expression on his face. "Boss."

I slowly lifted my head, my hands still clasped in front of my face and fear consuming my expression. "Sam."

He hesitated, then stepped further into the room. I knew he sensed my fear. "It's time."
I nodded, hesitantly rising from my chair on shaky legs.

We moved to the room behind my office, a small chamber I initially used for storage, but as my fears grew and gradually got worse, I cleared everything out and began to do my own Acts in there. It was a bare set of four walls, not a very big room. Two chains hung from hooks in the ceiling. I knew this place all too well - it was my sanctuary and my hell.

Sam's face was tight with worry as he chained me up. "Are you sure about this?"

I nodded again and murmured, "Turn it up to maximum."

He stared at me, searching my eyes for any sign of hesitation, but I was serious. Finding none, he sighed and finally activated the machine.

The pain shot through my body, searing and relentless. It was like fire and ice at the same time, coursing through my whole body and tearing through my nerves. I bit down on my lip to keep from screaming, tasting blood when I bit too hard.

The pain was necessary - a reminder of my humanity, of my weaknesses, of my past and present. It was an Act intended to suppress my fears rather than treat them properly. My phobias weren't your usual Arachnophobia, Thalassophobia, or Trypophobia.

I feared... her.

"Emily..." Her name slipped from my lips in a moment of weakness, and I hated myself for it, for the vulnerability, for the stupidity.

She was changing me.

I didn't like it.

I didn't want to be changed.

I couldn't let myself fall for her.

I couldn't let myself be weak.

I couldn't open myself up again only to be crushed like I was last time.

She ruined me.

She's the reason why I hate myself.

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Lu- No! Don't even say her name. You don't deserve to say it after what you did to her!

You're pathetic, Tyler. You're so weak and stupid. You're falling in love with another.

What would she think about you falling in love with Emily? What would Lu-
-

The pain continued, each wave more intense than the last. My vision blurred, and I felt my strength waning. The room seemed to spin around me, and the chains cut into my wrists, grounding me in the agony.

"Stop it! Shut up!" I cried, treacherous tears escaping my eyes even though I didn't want to cry. I couldn't help it. I didn't even know I'd said it out loud until Sam immediately stopped the machine.

As the machine finally powered down, my legs gave way, and I collapsed to the floor, the chains the only thing holding me up. My body was a mass of pain, every nerve screaming in protest.

"Boss? Are you okay?" His voice was distant in my mind, consumed almost entirely by a deafening ringing sound. My heart beat in my ears and I felt faint.

"J-Just... g-give me a... minute," I choked out, barely managing to speak, my whole body shaking involuntarily. My eyes rolled back as I threw my head back, absently looking up at the ceiling. Sam held back, knowing well not to cross me.

The voices were cruel, manipulative, and relentless. Their taunting echoed loudly in my brain, and the power of the machine made me delirious and floaty. Yet still, even after the machine stopped, and despite my pleading, they continued.

-
You're so pathetic. You're a loser. She'll never love you!

Stupid, stupid boy.

Emily hates you. You do nothing but hurt her. That's all you're good at. She'll never love you.
-

'You're falling for her... aren't you?'
Sam's voice suddenly cut through the others, louder than the rest. What he said was right, and that terrified me more than anything. The fear threatened to consume me.

I sat there panting as I tried to catch my breath and bring myself back, my mind a haze of exhaustion, pain, and torment.

The last thought that drifted through my mind before I passed out was of Emily. Her face, her voice, and her defiance. She was the reason for all of this, and yet she was the one thing I couldn't bring myself to let go of. Not quite yet.

Darkness enveloped me, but even in unconsciousness, she was there, a haunting presence.

I'm losing control...

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