The following days without Stone both flew and dragged in the strangest of ways.
Billie felt pretty good in her body, barring the occasional headache and some remaining nausea. Not having a hangover everyday was a joy but the distraction of staying sober was a constant dampener in the back of her mind.
She spent the day working on the jobs that needed doing the most.She finished and delivered a bunch of small jobs that only needed polishing and setting and she cleaned her studio space and watered her poor thirsty plants. She found herself taking a few extra breaks and trying to drink more water which seemed to help, but that night she lay for hours in the dark, wishing for sleep.
The next day started a little late but she finished fixing the church piece and talked to Nathan, the sexton at St Barnabas, about the install. He promised to arrange for everyone who was needed, to be there the following Wednesday.
She paid a bunch of bills and quoted for a couple of new jobs that she hadn't been in the headspace to juggle and popped down to see Jamie, who said surprisingly little about Stone's extended visit, only remarking on his good taste in books and his charming manners.
All of this was well and good and Billie felt an unexpected amount of relief to begin getting back on top of things but the evenings were excruciating. She could only work so many hours in a day, and if she was honest she was craving a drink badly, especially at the end of the day when she was alone in the apartment. She watched some crappy tv and then called Cass.
She refrained from mentioning anything other than that she'd been working on getting sober. Cass suspected there was something behind it but Billie was suitably convincing that she was just tired of being a mess and that falling behind in her work had been the main catalyst.
'Well, frankly, it's nice to talk to sober Billie again. I've missed you a lot. You scared me Bill.' Cass's voice cracked a little and Billie could hear the strain that she usually hid under banter. 'I know you've been in the deep end, but I could really use my friend back, you know?'
Billie felt ashamed and spent the best part of the next hour or two catching up on what was happening for Cass. It was actually really nice to not think about her own problems for a while.
After she got off the phone she thought about calling her dad but couldn't quite rustle up the courage. Will was strongly intuitive and she always struggled to hide her feelings from him. She hated to tell him half truths which meant she avoided talking with him more than she wanted to. She knew it was a coward move but thought she would just call and leave a message tomorrow when he was at work.
She moved around the apartment feeling lost. She wasn't hungry so she made herself a cup of tea and then stood at the living room window, watching the city lights, trying not to think about anything, but found herself coming back to the two men who had both left her so precipitously, one terribly and permanently, the other both recently and indecently.
Back and forth her mind bounced. The feelings were complex and overwhelming. Her mind and heart shied away.
The pain. The desire. The confusion.
The thing that had driven her to drink in the first place. How the fuck was she supposed to do this sober? Her view of the city blurred as tears ran freely from her eyes.
Tim.
My love...
His beautiful face rose up before her. Eyes so blue with love that she'd felt she could drown. Not dark with lies like those last weeks. Broad shoulders and flaxen hair like Apollo himself. Lips still soft with love not hard with bitterness.
Where are you?
How could you leave me like this?
I'm so sorry, don't be angry with me, I'm just so tired of being alone.
Her thoughts were an agonized litany.
How many times had she stood at this window and looked unseeing at this view? People said that time would dull the pain but it still cut her like a razor.
How could he?
Why did he?
There were no answers for her, so she spun on the carousel, around and around, until she was sick and dizzy and begging for any kind of relief. She missed him so much it took her breath away.
That bitch.
What about me then? Fucking another man in in our bed.. liking it. Wanting more. Craving both men at the same time. Who exactly was she betraying?
Billie had never missed Tim's body so much as that first morning after Stone left. She'd been frightened that the feeling of new territory under her fingers might make her forget Tim, but she had dreamed of him that night, as they used to be, with everything well between them and she'd woken heartbroken all over.
Yet it wasn't Tim she'd been dreaming of last night but Stone, with his smoothly calloused fingertips and sharp white teeth and the dissonance perturbed her deeply.
Billie's hands clenched into fists and all she wanted was to hurt someone badly.
But it didn't do her any good.
There was no one she could destroy with her rage. The one person she wanted to hurt and hold more than anything was gone from this life, leaving her with a jar of dust and the heart of a ghost.
Almost no one saw her. Johnny. Her father. Jamie. Cass. Danny. A handful of names tying her to the earth, more than some people had she guessed, but some days it seemed like barely enough.
She moved through her life like a wraith.
She talked and walked and ate. People spoke to her. They went on like normal but she felt like they were on opposite sides of a watery barrier that warped and muffled everything around her, isolating her from the world.
Her thoughts looped. An endless parade of blame and guilt, anger and sorrow, jealously and rage, until all she wanted, was to be numb. It seemed like the only relief outside of dying herself.
Then he had arrived. Stone.
She'd seen him with Johnny before and in the audience quite a few times. She'd seen him watching, but they all watched.
When she was up there, they all watched and wanted her.
She moved them. The music moved them. She made them forget their troubles. By baring her soul, she took them away for a moment or two, from their own blues.
But when the music was over, nobody really wanted her. Not really. Some lusted after her, some romanticized her, knowing something of her personal life.
Billie Sainte-Claire.
Poor widowed Blue.
She hated the sympathy. It made her nauseous, and she despised herself for not being able to escape the cliche, yet it was the only thing that brought her solace. Those few moments when the music took her and she let it pour out of her.
Then he'd seen her. She felt like he was the first person in so long who'd actually pierced that watery veil. Stepped through it really, taken hold of her elbow and yanked her from the depths. Held her until her skin warmed and her spirit thawed. Lit a fire for her.
Billie groaned and smacked her cup down on the windowsill, leaving it there as she turned away toward the bathroom.
She scrubbed her teeth aggressively, threw her work clothes in the hamper and stood under the hot shower until her skin turned red. Then she dried herself, turned out all the lights and crawled into bed naked, between cool sheets, where she lay again, waiting for sleep.
___________
Stone called Billie on Wednesday morning. She was sitting in the sun drinking a coffee when the phone rang and she knew before she picked it up that it would be him.
'Hi'
'How'd you know it was me?' he sounded happy.
'Good guess. Whatcha doin?'
'I'm just about to head over to Litho for the morning but I was wondering if you wanted to have some lunch today?'
'With you? Or just in general?' she teased
'This isn't a randomly generated dietary survey. With me smartass.' she loved his Northwestern drawl.
'Sure, anywhere in particular?'
'We could go to a park somewhere?'
'Volunteer?'
'Perfect. I'll bring the food. See you at one?'
'I'll meet you there at the tower, I could do with a walk.'
'Billie?' his voice was suddenly soft.
'Yeah?'
'Thanks for answering the phone.'
Oh. Well. Her heart thumped. She was silent for a moment.
'I did promise.'
'See you later.'
And he was gone.
______________
A/N
This chapter was written to the song Hey You by Phil and Tilley
