Grin And Bear It

5 | Teenage Dream

Everyone filed out of my car into the house. Kara was the first to split off before even a word came from my lips. She squeezed past me through the front door to run up the stairs for her room, probably to get ready. I scowled holding the door as everyone else took her lead, leaving me behind. The large manor always felt the same. Too big for comfort.

As a child I was very lucky. My parents worked hard to get where they are. My dad was a doctor before we left Mexico but my mom was just about to start her schooling. It was a long process and we almost had to go back multiple times. We didn't really have anywhere to go back to at the time though. I didn't know this until I was much older. They never showed me the struggle they went through to become citizens in the states.

I looked around now feeling this pressure. An old weight I'd long forgotten since Kara came into our lives. I always wanted a sibling. The moment I was sentient enough to feel lonely I wanted someone else to spend my time with. When I met Alex he and his sister filled that void. After Joshua died I was back to being alone again.

They lived with us for a short period then but they rarely interacted with us. Neither of them were the same since that day. I grasped at straws to make them feel better. Only being eleven I didn't know how to help someone through grief though. Alex seemed to appreciate my efforts but he was older and understood a little more. Nona was only eight and all I managed to do was make an enemy of her.

That's really when it started. The hatred she held in her eyes for me whenever she met my gaze. It was one of the last times they were at our house before they went home. Mom took us to the park as a farewell. As usual she followed along like a doll, doing as she was told in an old dress that seemed to strangle her now. She didn't say a word, didn't interact with anyone, and wandered off to the swingset dragging around a dark cloud over her head.

I only wanted to push her on the swing. We used to see how high we could get each other and find out who could jump the farthest. She yelled at me, it was the first time in a long time her voice went over a whisper. I stopped like she wanted. She sounded scared.

When I grabbed onto her to slow her down she jerked forward dragging me with her. I heard the pop before I felt her little body against my own. She let go of the swing's chain and fell back knocking us both to the ground with a thud. She screamed and yelled and the tears leaked from her eyes as she grabbed her misaligned shoulder. I didn't mean to hurt her. I only made things worse when I tried to help, I always made it worse when it came to Nona.

"Ma, we're home." I called through the house trying not to sound defeated as I shut the door behind me, "I brought the guys."

I turned around to drop my keys on the table by the entrance. I paused to frown at the statue of the patron saint bowing her head at me with her hands steepled between us. Her lidded eyes cast downward with an uninterested frown. I felt judged the moment I stepped in. She knew everything I did, I never said it outloud but I thought it every time I looked at her face.

I felt ashamed.

"You deserve it." She told me everytime.

She got meaner the longer I aged. Maybe it was just the world that grew cold. Or maybe it was me. It didn't matter because I knew the truth. Yet it escaped me at the same time, just out of reach in the dark recesses of my mind. Denial was a lifelong habit I needed for survival.

I walked through the entrance hall to find mom and Alex talking at the bottom of the stairs. I assumed Tyler and Desmond followed the smell of steak and corn cobs to the back yard. Dad must've already started grilling his tortas. He took any excuse to grill and mom loved getting to decorate the yard for the smallest festivities. That's why my friends liked my parents more than they liked me.